Alright, here we go, the touristy bit:
You should start of in the first district, which is surrounded by the Ring, a circular road which was built at the turn of the century exactly where the old city walls used to be. You can take a tram around the Ring which will give you a good tour of loads of nice buildings. The most important include:
The Hofburg, which used to be the home of the royal family, is pretty impressive. In there you can see the crown jewels as well as ... ummm.. loads of other stuff. Our president still has his offices in there somewhere.
Directly opposite of the Hofburg you´ll find the two museums, the museum of natural history and the arts museum, both of which are definitely worth a visit. A bit further on there´s the parliament, which is built in the style of a greek temple (very clever, with the Greeks being the founding fathers of democrazy). Right next to it is the town hall, which is built in a gothic style and sometimes hosts raves (well, once a year when the mayor feels like he has to get some more voters).
Directly opposite the town hall there´s the Burgtheater, the royal theatre, which is dead important (never been in there). Next there´s a building that I´ve been in quite a few times, but I never had a clue what I was doing in there.... errrr, yeah, it´s the university. Once you´ve done that tour it´s time to go into the first district where you can find the places where they shot the Third Man and the most important sight:
The Stephansdom, St. Stephen´s cathedral, which originates from the 14th century. It´s pretty special especially cos of the fact that one tower is only halfway finished. Legend has it that the architect sold his soul to the devil, somehow managed to pissed him off and died before he could finish his work. Or something. Pretty close to it is the Kapuzinergruft, where all the monarchs are buried, well, all the monarchs, but not all parts of them, since their hearts were taken out before they were buried. Weirdos.
The next really interesting thing is Schloß Schönbrunn, which is a nice palace a bit outside the city. It´s story is typically Austrian. When the king back then went to France and saw Versailles, he wanted to build a palace that would be bigger and better and more expensive and everything. Work started and a part was soon finished, but a while after that the money ran out and they had to stop building it. It´s still a nice palace and on a hill pretty close to it there´s this little building called the Gloriette from where you have a great view over Vienna. Of course the Gloriette should have actually been part of the palace itself, but the bloody money, eh.
The Zoo which is quite close to Schönbrunn is also worth a visit if you want to see how people in the 18th century thought animals should be kept, i.e. in place just about big enough to put the poor creatures in.
If all the sightseeing has stressed you out a bit and you want to relax for a while then it´s a good idea to go to the Donauinsel, an island in the river Danube which is the perfect place to lie in the sun and relax. Or go ice-skating in the winter. Pretty close to the Donauinsel there´s the Prater, which is probably the weirdest funfair/theme park thing in the world. It´s not a fun fair really and not a theme park either. You can find loads of rollercoasters and everything you need to have a good time, but in between all the stuff for kids there´s the world´s oldest sex museum and in the evening and night the place is full of prostitutes and gangs of dodgy looking teenagers. Perfect family entertainment! If you´re brave enough to go there then take a ride on the Riesenrad, a giant wheel, which will give you a great view over the city.
Another important part of Vienna is Floridsdorf, which is in the North of the city, across the Danube. Two important places there include a pretty building in the Schwaigergasse, a little street near the centre, where I lived until last October and the Gerngross-Building, where I work. Ummmm, ok, maybe these two sights aren´t really worth visiting, but I just thought I´d mention them.
One thing which is worth going to is the Donauturm, the Danube-Tower, which is the Austrian´s idea of a high rise building, although it´s only about 200 metres or so, not even half of the World Trade Center in New York. Still, it gives you a nice view of the city and you can have lunch in a rotating restaurant. Great.
Oh, I nearly forgot one thing every visitor has to do when in Vienna. Visit the cemetaries! I´m not kidding and this is not only a tip for goths, they are pretty impressive, especially the biggest one, the Zentralfriedhof. Have hours of fun looking for graves of famous people like Falco. The Viennese have a certain fascination with death and the "Schene Leich" (beautiful corpse) is something very important to them. Everybody wants to look good when they die. Also, if you go to a funeral, afterwards you´ll go to a restaurant for lunch, the so-called "Leichenschmaus" (corpse meal). Sounds a bit sick? It is.
Well, that´s Vienna in a nutshell for you there, the only thing left to say is that when you arrive at night and you take the train or the bus from the airport, the lights you see after about 5 minutes are NOT the city with all the skyscrapers (some japanese tourists once thought that) but a factory which stinks like hell. Welcome to Vienna!
