july 19, 1998
"sitting here wishing
i could cry more
and care less..."

everything i do today is leaving me unfulfilled. earlier today, i talked to nathanael and he said he was worried about me. hey, i'm worried about me too. but, as i said in my journal, i dont' really know what to do about it. so, i just deal with it and move on, but sometimes i wonder if i can "roll with it" all my life. i mean, i'm not saying i have a hard life, but i'm not syaing i have an easy one, either.

no one does, if you really think about it. i just hate some things and some people and just stuff all around and sometimes i'm just chalking it all ukp to being scared out of my mind. and i don't understand the fear or what the fear is about or towards, but i'm scared. i just sit and think and think and think and think, and you know what? i get so scared that i don't know what to think anymore, so i get like this, all scared and quiet and worrysome and things like that...

maybe i should just go ahead and tell the entire internet what i'm so scared of...or maybe i shouldn't...i really don't know. i mean...*sighs* what the heck, eh?

first, college...i've tried to talk to people about this, but everyone keeps telling me that i'm irrational and they're all just short of telling me to stop being stupid. i'm scared that i won't have the money to go to college and that no one will give me a scholarship, or i won't get scholarships at all. everyone keeps saying "with your credentials..." sga prez, straight-a most of the time (occasional b), involved in sports, sga, etc., etc., etc...blah blah blah! sometimes it feels like they're just going over my resume and if that's what i'd wanted, i'd do it myself.

plus, the whole fact of college scares me. going away, not having everyone there to just lean on and be with and that scares me to no end. but, i just keep getting told "i'm scared too." i understand that, and i know i must seem really insensitive right now, and i'm sorry. i'm so scared, i am not always sure what is coming from my mouth.

sometimes i feel i'm really irrational, like some people seem to think.

and i have this feeling:

"i just wanted you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied..."
-- Ani D.

p align="center">it's like, i have so many expectations of otherse (and yes, of course, of myself) that just can't seem to be lived up to. sometimes i wonder if i'm expecting too much, or just people are letting me down. maybe it's both, or maybe it's neither and i'm just being stupid and irrational.

that seems to be an answer to all my problems.

that means it probably isn't it.

*smiles*

i'm starting to feel a little better. one of my last concerns is about nathanael...i'm so scared that the feelings i have are going to "wear out" or something. i don't know why i feel this way. and it scares me the most. i can deal with college, and i can deal with other things that will come and go, but i don't want nathanael to come and go.

i'm scared. scared to death.

the last few days, i've not known what to think about my relationship with nathanael, and that scares me too.

myabe it's time for me to go away now....

* soap suds *


TigerLily