august 12, 1998
"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart..."

i don't understand, and i don't get it...

what is going on with nathanael and i?

"for some reason, this is all really hard for me to face, so please bear
with me if i seem incoherent, and ask me ANYTHING you want...

i'm not sure when this feeling i've been having started, whether it was
before i went away to mlw or if it surfaced while i was there, or
something like that...it's like, i just haven't had the same feelings
for nathanael. not that i don't care for him, or love him, because i
do. more than anything -- which is kind of scary.

when we're together, sometimes i wonder if the magic is really still
there, or if we ARE meant for each other...and like i said, the spark
isn't really still there...at least for me.

and i wonder what it is all about.

is any of this making sense?

and i'm so scared to talk to him about it...partially because i don't
want to lose him, and i'm not sure if it's like just a phase or
something, and plus, the comfort of him being there -- and i know that
sounds awful, and i know in a sense, that's really using him.

other times, when i've broken up with a guy, it's always been for
reasons of another person -- yet now, there IS no other person...the thought of
"freedom" in that sense, it intrigues me, but doesn't really thrill me.
it's more or less, that magic isn't there...a lot of his comments really
hurt me, and i get tired, sometimes, of them.

and if it comes down to it, i don't think i'd have the strength to break
up with him. i care about him too much, and sometimes, it really hurts
to say that i love him, because sometimes, it just seems like i'm saying
it because i've said it so many times before, and that i don't want to
hurt him.

him and i went through a period like this, except it was reversed, and i
want to act as i wanted HIM to act at this point, but i dont' want to
hurt him. plus, i don't want him to go through what i felt when he was
saying stuff like this to me.

he's noticed i'm not the same towards him, and it often feels like i'm
staring through him, because i cant' look right at him, because it'll
hurt, it'll reveal too much..."

*sighs* and i wish he were home right now, because i really want to talk to him, but that's not gonna happen for a while...but i dont' even know what i would say to him, even if he WERE home...

and i have a guitar lesson tomorrow -- my last one -- and i haven't practiced in forever, but i dont' know if i really care, because my guitar is screwed up, and i know i won't practice after i quit lessons...

*sighs*

* soap suds *

TigerLily