what do you hear in these sounds?
dar williams

i don't go to therapy to find out if i'm a freak
i go and i find the one and only answer every week
and it's just me and all the memories to follow
down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour,
and we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
when i hit a rut, she says to try the other parents
and she's so kind, i think she wants to tell me something
but she knows that it's much better if i get it for myself
so she says...

oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
what do you hear in these sounds?
and oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
what do you hear in these sounds?

i say i hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
and the promiese to stay and the footsteps that are leaving
and she says oh, i say "what?" she says "exactly"
i say, "what, you think i'm angry,
does that mean you think i'm angry?"
she says "look, you come here every week
with jigsaw pieces of your past
it's all on little soundbytes, and voices out of photographs,
and that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
so tell me, where does the arrow point to
who invented roses and

oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
what do you hear in these sounds?
and oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
what do you hear in these sounds?

and when i talk about therapy, i know what people think
that it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
but oh how i loved everybody else
when i finally got to talk so much about myself

and i wake up, and i ask myself what state i'm in
and i say well i'm lucky, 'coz i am like east berlin
i had this wall, and what i knew of the free world
was that i could see their fireworks
and i could hear their radio,
and i thought tha tif we met, i would only star confessing
and they'd know that i was scared
theywould know that i was guessing
but the wall came down and there they stood before me
with their stumbling and their mumbling
and their calling out, just like me

and oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
the stories that nobody hears
and i collect these sounds in my ears
that's what i hear in these sounds
and oooooooooh, aaaaaaah
that's what i hear in these
that's what i hear in these sounds...

but this page needs to be here.

something i need to talk about, even if it's just me talking to myself...

*sighs deeply*

last summer was a very difficult one for me (the summer of 1997). up 'til that point, i had held all of my feelings inside. i was, almost quite literally, a corked bottle about to burst...and if that happened, i was really scared about where the shards of glass would end up.

one night, towards the end of june, 1997, i was the most down i had ever ever been. i seriously considered suicide. when, where, how...

*shivers* scary even now as i think about it.

i had a friend i trusted beyond belief. since that time, we've grown apart, and i don't speak to her ever again, but i thank her for giving me the ultimatum of "tell you parents or i will."

eventually (within about a week) i talked to my mom...or more or less broke down in front of her. i was bawling and crying, and trying to explain the depression, the mood swings, the anger.

even now, i can't explain it.

i'm not clinically depressed or anything, but i hit a really rough spot and needed to get through it.

i went to therapy for about a month, and then the therapist left for another job. but, in a few weeks, i was realizing what it was i needed from myself, from others, and just life in general.

i'm not saying i am completely better...i still have my down spots, but i think that's just part of life, eh? but one thing i can honestly say is i have not considered suicide since. killing others, yet *grins*, but never myself.

i realize that i have something to offer to this world, and that's something no one else can give. i haven't yet figured out what that something is, but i am not gonna rest til i find out.

i dont' know why i am putting this section up. first, because it's a part of my life that really really has shaped, partially, who i am. i became a lot stronger since then, and grow stronger in my beliefs and convictions and thoughts every single day.

also, to let people know that no one's perfect, or always happy. even the most peppy people have down points.

some people dont' want to admit any of what i've said. i'm a straight-a student, first in my class, student gov't president, athlete, volunteer...they always asked me "what do you have to be upset about?"

and maybe, it's just to let people know that they are not alone.

i'm hoping to put up something here soon, like a message board or form so people can post their own experiances or maybe some words of encouragement.

but, til then, just know...

"if you're worthy to exist, you're beautiful..." -- beka