TigerLily
I closed my eyes, trying to fight every urge to begin crying. I just wanted to be held. Goddess, how I wanted a hug. I watched you that day. You walked around, head down, hair moving with the chilling wind. You looked so sad. I did nothing but watch you sit down; I continued walking towards you. If only I weren't so scared to tell you...
Tapping you on the shoulder, you turned and looked at me. Can I tell you a story? You nodded, and I felt you truly meant it.
Once upon a time, I began, life was simple. Each day, she woke up, happy for being alive. One day, she fell in love. It lasted for a short while in the scheme of things, but nevertheless, the fall was a hard one. Soon, she found herself, alone, utterly alone, although she finally was held, her heart was possessed. Nothing was the same and she was bruised. Her heart ached. Her body ached. Her soul was shattered. It did not feel as though she were real. Often feeling as a robot, her soul was not her own. It belonged to the one who shattered her.
Why are you telling me this? you asked me.
Why not? Let me finish.
Fine. And you settled back to listen.
The winter was coming. She felt the chills deep in her bones. She still felt like a machine; but now, she was breaking down, too.
What could she do to fix herself? you asked.
She needed to feel whole again, that she could give of herself again.
Why couldn't she?
She felt she didn't even own herself.
Oh. Okay. Continue. Sorry, you said.
No problem. One afternoon, she was given an opportunity to give of herself. But she felt incomplete, still. She sat down, began to think about life. What was keeping her from giving totally of herself? Constant reminders of who she used to be plagued her mind.
What was different about her? you asked.
Everything.
Very specific.
Well, if one gets into a relationship, so many things change.
Oh. Continue.
Thank you. One day, she tried to talk, tried to listen, but she still held back. She didn't want to hurt again.
Understandable.
Be quiet; let me finish.
You stuck your tongue out at me. How I longed to pull you close and warmly envelope it into my mouth. I wanted you then, but more than physically. Goddess, why can't I say the words I want to?
So mature, I said to you. I'm almost done. You settled back even further and watched me.
She did not want to be hurt again, so she spent many days, weeks, just thinking about what could be. When someone else she felt comfortable with came into her life, she felt somehow, whole again. But they were nothing but friends. She wanted more. Was she willing to risk it, though?
I looked up, noticing the contours of your face, the subtle way you cocked your head to listen to me speak. I wondered if you realized the actual point to my story.
So, did she? you asked.
Yes, in her mind. But her heart was still fragile. She was so unsure. WIth that, I settled back to watch your reaction.
You wrinkled your forehead at me. So, what happened? Please finish. Promise I'll be quiet.
I laughed. No, no, it's not that. I don't know the ending.
You laughed with me for a moment, then became dead serious as you realized that I was not kidding. You know this girl's innermost thoughts, but not the ending?
Exactly.
How so? You looked at me expectantly.
Because I am her. I stared at the ground, ashamed for some reason. You lifted my face to yours, but I refused to look into your eyes.
Why won't you look at me?
It hurts.
Why?
I'm sorry. I turned around, my back to you and I began to sob. My shoulders shook under the weight of my tears. Dear Goddess, what have I done? I asked the blue sky of the morning.
You've shown me a side I never thought I'd see. Why does it hurt to look at me?
I shook my head, again and again, feeling my brain shake in my mind.
Don't give me that. You forced me to turn around and look up. Then, you stuck your face in my view. You won't hide from me that easily. What is this about? Please, talk to me.
Do you really have no clue? I asked, suddenly tired. You stopped and watched me for a minute, your hand finding my face, carressing my cheek.
I sighed, ready to turn and leave. I couldn't take this anymore, so I stood up. As if in a dance, you stood a split second after me, then pulled me into your arms, just holding me.
Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you, you said to me.
I looked at you then, pulling away, hearing the words bounce in my mind. So, you understand?
You smiled down at me and quietly nodded yes.
* the first line *