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How to Bathe a cat - The New Method
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both
lids lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids(you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape). CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws
will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power
wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he can dry himself.
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
- DAY 752
- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
- DAY 761
- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must
try this on their bed.
- DAY 762
- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
- DAY 765
- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what
a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
- DAY 768
- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could
invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
- DAY 771
- There was some sort of gathering of the accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.
- DAY 774
- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain
he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter
of time.
Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
- Stray cats will not be fed.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
- Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence.
- Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.
- Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
will absolutely not be given a name.
- Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside house
at any time.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
times.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y".
- Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on
or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
- Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws
on the really good furniture.
- Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen
claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece-impact
plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
- Stray cats will sleep outside.
- Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
- Stray cats will sleep in the house.
- Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
- Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic
lamb's wool pillow.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at
the foot.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers
except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
- Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the
desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9jmdskdm,.
USING IT
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