Clinton/Gov't Jokes

• Whose Money Is It?
• Two Less Days
• Educational Bill
• Clinton in Heaven
• How it really happened
• Quote of the Year
• Politics 101
• Helping out the President

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Whose Money is It?

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

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Two Less Days

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled. The witch is moving to New York. She's taking the turkey with her.

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Educational Bill

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

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Clinton in Heaven

President Clinton died and went to heaven.......or to be more accurate, he approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking on the Gate, St. Peter appeared.

"Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.
"Its me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Let me in!" replied Clinton

"So", pondered St. Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth"?

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you really shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale". I guess I had extramarital sex... but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations'. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several minutes of deliberations St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over".

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How it really happened

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

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Quote of the Year

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:

"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damned thing?"

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Politics 101

A 9 year old boy goes to his father and asks, "Dad, what's politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let my try to explain it this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.' Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her 'the Government.' We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'the people'. Our live-in nanny, we'll consider her the 'Working Class.' And your baby brother, we'll call him 'the Future.' Now think about this and we'll discuss it tomorrow."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy goes to this parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning at breakfast, the father says, "Son, have you thought about what we talked about last night?"

The little boy replies, "Well, from what I can figure out, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

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Helping out the President

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me,Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about a hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

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