Heavenly Humor

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God's Email

When she returned she told God, "yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and
5% is good". Well, he thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel, to get another point of view."

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When
the angel returned she went to God and told him "yes, the Earth was in
decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good". God said this was not good.

So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage
them, to give them a little something to help them keep going.

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Do you know what that E-mail said?
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You didn't get one either, huh?

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The Quaker and the Mule

A Quaker farmer had a mule that would not plow straight. It would go off to the right and munch a bunch of weeds, or veer off to the left to lean on the fence, and the furrows showed it. His Baptist neighbor would pass by on the road and laugh and allow as how he knew what would straighten out those rows, "two-by-four upside the head, that'll straighten the mule out, and the rows will take care of themselves."

"No, said the Quaker,"in so far as it depends upon me, I must be at peace with all God's creatures, provoking though they may be." The Baptist went along home, shaking his head and muttering, "a two-by-four would do it."

The furrows got more crooked every day, and finally the Quaker dropped the
reins, and went around to the front of the mule, looked him in the eye and said, "Friend I think that thee is taking advantage of me because thee knows that I am a Quaker, and therefore I cannot and will not beat thee. What thee has not considered is that I can sell thee to the Baptist....!"

From that day on, the mule plowed the straightest rows in the county...

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Quaking in Your Boots

A Quaker was hauling a load of hay down the road to the barn. He had settled his hay wagon into a good set of ruts that would serve quite well until he got to his barnyard gate. The road ran between his property and the next farm, and as bad luck would have it when he rounded the bend, he saw that his Presbyterian neighbor was also driving a loaded hay wagon toward him, settled into the exact same set of convenient ruts.

Both men halted their horses, and sat under the hot July sun considering what to do. Someone was going to have to get down and help the horses pull a wagon of the ruts and go around the other.

Finally the Quaker stood up on the box and waved his hat and shouted, "If thee chooses not to pull out, I will do for thee what I did for the other fellow back there..."

The Presbyterian considered. "I never heard a Quaker talk like that before," he mused. "Maybe I had better pull out."

So the man got down and with much sweating and swearing he helped his horses haul his wagon out of the ruts.

As he was pulling even with the Quaker, his curiosity overcame him. "I've got to know," he said, "what was it you did to the other fellow?"

The Quaker looked puzzled and said, "Oh, of course, I pulled out for him!"

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Lightbulbs

(1)How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb was probably predestined to fail, and who are we to change it if God does not choose to do so!

(2)How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change??!!?? Who said anything about change??!!?? If anything's going to be
changed, it's all those other people who need changing, not our light bulb!

(3) Catholics...
At least two Vatican Councils, and one or more popes, and a generation during which parish priests will get used to reading church teachings in a different light.

(4) Quakers....

It depends on *where* you are.

If you are in Philadelphia, it takes only one... to stand below the socket and hold the bulb in it... while the earth revolves around him/her. (A British Friend once pointed out to me that although London Quakers similarly perceive themselves centrally located, they might be illuminated much sooner than Philadelphians if the appointed Friend was "pushy", as all bulbs in the UK are"bayonet" style, but they might wait much longer if a "quietist" discovered the motion required included "reaching out".)

If it's in Atlanta, none...we would go into Meeting for Worship with attention to business and wait for the Spirit to move it...

If it's at Yearly Meeting, at least 300...including the 100 or so who attended the business sessions, the standing committee members who examine the budget, those who review the previous minutes on light bulb replacement, and the ad hoc committees called to explore the racial and economic justice issues relating to production, sale, distribution and use of light bulbs and alternative choices for simple lighting...

And an additional 100 at least one more yearly meeting session in which some Friends wish to lay the whole matter down as a worldly concern of the meeting place landlord, and others wonder if there may not be some prophetic message to be gleaned by relying only upon natural lighting and otherwise sitting in the dark, and the smaller meetings, fearing a rise in assess ments, inquire whether replacing the filament or purchasing a used light bulb from a rummage sale to benefit a Quakerly organization might suffice, instead of encouraging unnecessary profit-making and capitalistic consumption through the Yearly Meeting's purchase of a new bulb....and the matter is finally resolved by an anonymous gift from a Friend, with a note explaining that he/she has downsized his/her home in the interest of simpler living, and must find a use for his/her extra light bulb.

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Always Spellcheck Your Work

In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join
his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He
was assigned to be a replicator on copies of books that had already been
copied by hand.

One day, he asked Father Florian (the rather ancient head of the scriptorium),
"Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for error? How do we
know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"

Father Florian was taken aback by the observation of this youthful monk.
"A very good point, my son. I will take one of the books down to the
vault and compare it against the original."

Father Florian went down to the vault and began his verification. After a
day had passed, the monks began to worry and went looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard crying.

When they opened the door, they found Father Florian sobbing over the new
copy and the original ancient book, both of which were opened before him
on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his
heart out for a long time.

"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.

"Oh, my God, my God," sobbed the priest. "In the ancient book of the
sacred rites of priesthood...the word is "CELEBRATE".

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An Act of God

A minister, whose wife was expecting a baby, went to the congregation and asked for a raise. They passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting about this.

As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The minister gets up to the pulpit and speaks "Having children is an act of GOD!"

A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information: snowing and raining are acts of GOD, but we wear rubbers!"

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Pearly Gates

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You had your good life, you can't come in here." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there's speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says,"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?

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Ooohhh, Okay

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said,

"(1.) This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.

(2.) She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

(3.) She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

(4.) She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

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The Theology of Toys

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Christian Sciene - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
• Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
• Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
• Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Baptist - Once played always played.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
• Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.

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A Moving Eulogy

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, " I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"

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Bible Challenge

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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Get Thee Behind Me

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

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Three Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as a gift.

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A lesson learned

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son.

"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

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