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Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave; therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions of the world. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
constant, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This allows
for two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So is it #1 or #2? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in
Hell before I go out with you." -- and take into account the fact
that I still have not succeeded in winning Ms. Banyan's affections, then,
#2 cannot be true, and thus I am certain Hell is exothermic and will not
freeze."
The student received the only "A" on the exam. (author unknown)
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
- You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
- You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for
me?
- Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas
I'll never know.
- There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
- I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Women should be obscene and not heard.
- After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host
both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
- Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
- Time wounds all heels.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
- Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew
them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb
does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
- Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.
- Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
Sign by a urinal said:
"The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal, also
puts the ice in your drinks."
British Humor
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this
on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath, someone
had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
You Gotta Love English
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
- Why isn't the numeral 11 pronounced "onety one"????
- "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?
Say what?
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
- Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through
a suitable application of high explosives.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
- My Reality Check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy
and taste good w/ketchup.
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.
PC for Stupidity
- A few clowns short of a circus
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal
- An experiment in artificial stupidity
- A few beers short of a six pack
- Dumber than a box of hair
- A few peas short of a casserole
- Doesn't have all his/her cornflakes in one box
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
- One fruit loop shy of a full bowl
- One taco short of a combination plate
- A few feathers short of a whole duck
- All foam, no rootbeer
- The cheese slid off his/her cracker
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
- Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
- Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
- Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
- As smart as bait
- Chimney's clogged
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
- Forgot to pay his/her brain bill
- Sewing machine's out of thread
- Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
- Belt doesn't go through all the loops
- If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely
- Missing a few buttons on his/her remote control
- No grain in the silo
- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
- Reciever is off the hook
- Several nuts short of a full pouch
- Skylight leaks a little
- Slinky's kinked
- Surfing in Nebraska
- Too much yardage between the goal posts
- Dinosaurs are not extinct
- Shine a flashlight in his/her ear and light comes out the other side
- Can look inside one ear and see out the other
- His/her light switch has been turned off
- Nobody is in right now, leave a name, number, and a brief message
at the tone.
- Lights are on, but nobody's home
- Do not disturb sign on his/her forehead
- A few cards short of a full deck
- Someone forgot to turn on the switch
Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
- On Sears hair dryer:
- Do not use while sleeping
- On a bag of Fritos:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside
- On a bar of Dial soap:
- Directions: Use like regular soap
- Some Swanson frozen dinners:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost
- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
- Fits one head
- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
- Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
- Product will be hot after heating
- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
- Do not iron clothes on body
- On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
- Do not drive car or operate machinery
- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
- Warning: may cause drowsiness
- On a Korean kitchen knife:
- Warning keep out of children
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
- For indoor or outdoor use only
- On a Japanese food processor:
- Not to be used for the other use
- On Sainsbury's Peanuts
- Warning: contains nuts
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
- Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
- On a Swedish chain saw:
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
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