Women's Humor

• Female Comebacks
• The Perfect Mate
• Another Blonde Joke
• Size Doesn't Matter, Really
• Final Truth
• Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
• What Are Men Like?
• Gone Fishing
• What Every Woman Should Have:
• What Every Woman Should Know:
• T-Shirts Sayings for Ladies

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FEMALE COMEBACKS

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The Perfect Mate

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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you
bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

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Size Doesn't Matter, Really

Becky and Jake were watching Television and at the same time Becky was doing her weekly ironing, while watching TV.

As she pulled a bra out of the clothes basket to iron she remarked, "OH, I HATE to iron these 'Bras" !!

Jake replied, "I don't know why the hell you iron 'em. you got nothing to put in 'em !"

She smartly answered........ "I IRON YOUR SHORTS, DON'T I ???"

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Final Truth

Sally was standing over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face. They splashed onto his face, rousing him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move. "My darling Sally,"he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Sally," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Sally. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Sally. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."

Sally mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now John, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

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Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

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What Are Men Like?

Men are like.............Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.............Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.............Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.............Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.............Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.............Copiers. You need them for reproduction but that's about it.

Men are like.............Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.............High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.............Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.............Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

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Gone Fishing

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

What Every Woman Should Have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship,and all those other facets of life that do get better.

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What Ever Woman Should Know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

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T-Shirts Sayings for Ladies

For those who feel that life's too short to take any cr*p.....

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody, and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is...
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

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