Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Choices
One day while walking down the street a successful executive woman
was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven. Before you get settled in though, it seems we
have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an
executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with
you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,
but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever
one you want."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman."Sorry, we have rules..."And with that St. Peter put
the executive in an elevator and it went down-down to Hell. The doors
opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were
all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they
were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such
a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The
elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.The woman paused for a
second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean,
Heaven has been really great and all, but think I hada better time
in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she
went down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage
and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking
up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and
put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you; today you're staff."
Corporate America
You know you work in Corporate America if:
------------------------------------------
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different
companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best
jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh
wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in
your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity
for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you
get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
are hanging in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You read this entire list and understood it.
Office Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed
me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Useful Work Phrases
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again ...
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of I've got a lot of
karma to burn off.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
- You sound reasonable ... Time to up my medication.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message ...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
