Dirk has found himself deep inside the MTV studios in Times Square. As if being surrounded by a bunch of teeny-boppers and Limp Bizkit fans wasn’t bad enough, Carson has used his evil powers to disguise Dirk as a well-endowed female. He has been assigned the job of Carson’s personal secretary and now has to check on TRL’s guests: Justin Timberlake from *NSYNC, Tom Green, and possibly Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit’s front man. Dirk makes his way down a long hallway where the guests are waiting.
The first door he comes to has a large yellow star made out of construction paper pasted on the front. In the middle, written in blue crayon is the word "Justin." Dirk knocks, then opens the door when he hears a voice inside welcome him in.
Justin Timberlake, that sexy, poofy-haired god of *NSYNC and Mickey Mouse Club fame, is sprawled on couch, watching Sailor Moon on Cartoon Network. He looks up as Dirk shuts the door, and grins at what his eyes see.
Justin: "Damn! It's about time Carson got some nicely-stacked chicks to work at this place!"
He jumps over the couch, grabs Dirk, dips him down, and engages in a long, passionate, tongue-filled embrace. Dirk’s eyes nearly pop out of their sockets in shock. He pushes the singer off of him, then bitch-slaps Justin in the face. Rubbing his pink cheek, Justin grins.
Justin: “Ooh, a frisky one. I like that in my woman.”
Dirk/Shannon: “Okay, first of all, I am NOT your ‘woman.’ Second of all, aren’t you going out with Britney Spears?”
Justin: “I’m dating Britney because she understands the pressure that comes with being a teen idol. The touring, the hordes of screaming fans…” (He eyes Dirk hungrily.) “The temptation…She gets all that. Plus, she’s got this mouth like a Hoover.”
Dirk backs off a bit and tries to cover up his breasts as much as his tiny shirt will allow. He moves slowly towards the make up table, eyeing some of the instruments, trying to decide which would be the best weapon, should it come to that. Justin notices Dirk’s resistance, and backs down. He returns to the couch, but still faces the lovely Dirk.
Justin: “So, you’re not a little gift from Carson to help me, uh, ‘relax’ before the show?”
Dirk/Shannon: (shaking his head) “Nope. I’m his personal secretary. I’m just here to make sure you have everything you need and that you know your schedule. So…other than being incredibly horny, are you all set to go on?”
Justin: “No, yeah, I’m okay. So, what’s your name?”
Dirk/Shannon: “Um, Shannon Davids. Nice to meet you.”
Dirk walks towards the couch, slowly and cautiously. When he reaches Justin, he holds out his hand. Justin takes Dirk’s hand and kisses it tenderly. While Dirk feels a bit uncomfortable with this, he admits to himself that it’s better than what Justin wanted to do with him.
Dirk/Shannon: (clearing her throat) “So do you need anything that isn’t a sexual favour?”
Justin: “No, not really. I’ve got my candy, my sexy animé, and my tub of hair gel. I’m cool. Could you just tell Tom Green to stop prank calling me? He keeps asking if my refrigerator is running; it’s not funny anymore.”
Dirk/Shannon: “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. Keep in mind that this is my first day, so I may not be able to control him very well.”
Justin: (winking saucily) “I’m sure that you’ll do just fine. I’ll see you later, sugar.”
Dirk smiles and nods then hauls his tight little booty out of there. He sashays down the hall, stops, realizes what he was doing, then walks how he normally would walk. A few weird glances at this girl strutting down the hall like a hard-core thug, but Dirk ignores them all. Finally, he reaches another door with a star on it—this time “Bobo the Singing Chimpanzee” is written in something vaguely resembling (what we hope is) chocolate pudding. Dirk knocks daintily, and then enters when she hears a grunting affirmation.
Tom Green is squatting in the corner wearing only his lime green boxer shorts. He is holding a whole Rotisserie chicken tenderly in his arms, as if it was a baby. He is talking to it quietly, his eyes staring only at his “child.” He doesn’t look up when Dirk walks in, but rather speaks to him in a hushed tone.
Tom Green: “You think I’m crazy don’t you? They all think I’m crazy. You know my new song? I didn’t write it. MTV wrote it; they thought it’d be funny. ‘Ha ha—look, Tom Green the dumb ass got Drew Barrymore to marry him. How much did he pay?’ I didn’t pay her anything; she didn’t pay me anything. This will last because we love each other. Damn what everyone else thinks!!!! DAMN THEM TO HELL!!!”
Dirk isn’t quite sure what to make of Tom’s outburst, but before he can react, the MTV personality goes on.
Tom Green: (to the chicken) “It’s just you and me now, Charlie. You and me against the world. Drew-mommy isn’t here to protect us from evil old Carson. He’ll eat us alive and then pretend that he’s our bestest friend, but is he?” (pause) “No, no he’s not. Carson Daly is the devil.”
Dirk gasps, shocked that someone else knows his new master’s secret. Tom looks up, a blank expression on his face.
Tom: “Oh, yes, I know who Carson is. I used to be the smartest person here at MTV—everyone took me seriously when I wasn’t on the set, I was invited to play Jeopardy…” (sighs) “Then one day, I accidentally went down one too many levels in that horrible elevator of his. I saw him in his full glory. He said that I would have to be punished for finding out his secret. He said something in Latin, and now I’m a dumbass who amuses everybody. They all think I’m just some jokester, a fool, a clown here to amuse them. And I am—I am a dumbass. Carson Daly made me stupid for all eternity, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
With this, Tom breaks down crying. Not knowing what else to do, Dirk glides over to him, kneels down, and begins rubbing his back and trying to offer words of encouragement.
Dirk/Shannon: “Shh…there there, hon. I mean, hey, you can’t be that cursed; you got Drew Barrymore. She’s hot as hell. I’d do her…” (notes Tom’s odd look) “If I was a guy or a lesbian, of course.”
Tom nods slowly, trying to get his bearings. Tom firmly grasps Dirk/Shannon’s creamy shoulders and looks her straight in her sparkling eyes.
Tom Green: “Thank you, beautiful stranger with enormous breasts. You have helped me much. The Force™ is strong in you, my son. You make an excellent transvestite. Go in peace. Find the one you love.”
With this, Tom Green stands tall, grabs his chicken, and walks into the closet confidently. Seeing that nothing more can be done for the poor, troubled man, Shannon/Dirk stands, shrugs, and leaves the room.
Dirk checks his watch, and realizes that the show is about to start. Hurrying down the hall as fast as his size eight platform sneakers could carry him. He made it to the studio just in time—Carson was going into his opening act.
Carson: “Hey, it’s November 13, 2000, and the weather’s pretty crappy here at Times Square, but all those *NSYNC fans don’t give a damn about a little rain, do you, guys?” (The crowd on the street goes nuts as Carson waves a manicured hand at them through the floor-to-ceiling windows.) “Naw…that’s coz they want to make sure the band’s new single ‘Baby, You Don’t Do Me Anymore’ stays at number one. As if that isn’t insane enough for them, *NSYNC’s own Justin Timberlake is here today.” (The crowd inside goes nuts.) “We also have MTV’s own Tom Green here for the world premiere of his new video “Can You Believe I’m Marrying Drew Barrymore?” I have to say, I was shocked at that news myself. Finally, we’re not sure, but we may have a guest appearance by Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit, here to promote his Billboard Top Twenty album Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. It’s a totally wicked cool album, bro, I gotta say. Before we get to the close calls, I just wanna introduce a new personal friend and assistant of mine. She’s new to the Big Apple, coming to us at MTV from a little town called Dominica near Baltimore, Maryland. Give a big TRL welcome to Shannon Davids.”
The camera follows Carson’s hand and gets a shot of Dirk/Shannon’s very surprised face. Blushing and tucking a curl behind one ear, the young nymph shyly waves to the camera. Meanwhile, in Dominica, Eliza shrieks out her deceased lover’s name and faints. Thus, the reborn Dirk Cherokee makes his television debut. (Fade to black)
Okay, as you can see, trying to figure out what to call Dirk when he’s in chick form is pretty complicated. Thus, every time that he is in his chick form, Dirk will be referred to as “Shannon.” When he’s in hell as a guy, he’ll be “Dirk.” The cast list will be updated to further dissolve any confusion. Thank you.
