Everyone's favourite frizzy-haired narrator walks onstage, wearing nothing but a long-sleeved blue tee-shirt and a pair of baggy, green-plaid PJ bottoms that used to belong to an old ex-boyfriend. She stops, center stage, and sits cross-legged on the floor. Pulling a rainbow hackey sack out of her pocket, she starts playing with it as she addresses the audience

Narrator: After a long night going through my belongings, I finally stumbled upon several slips of paper containing notes about this soap opera. I have no idea when they were scribbled; probably sometime after I realized that I had overdone myself with this damned thing and no longer felt the urge to write it anymore.
One of the pages is written on the back of a desk calendar showcasing famous golf courses throughout America; obviously a remnant from my days of working at Greetings and Readings. On the back of this 5"X5" notecard I have written diagrams that attempt to explain the love squares, trapezoids, and parallelagrams that were going on in this saucy tale of love and deceit.
Several pieces of paper has a list of all the cast members and their relationships to one another. At one point on the old site, there was such a cast list; a handy little thing when trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I'll probably post that up here next, in case anyone actually stumbles across this site and gives a flying fuck.
Finally, there is a torn-out piece of notebook paper that holds what is probably the most interesting information out of this group of ex-trees. On this slip of paper, years old, lies the predicted destinies of the characters in this saga. Probably during one of my failed attempts at resurrecting the soap opera, I tried to sketch out the fate of the main characters, to give me ideas as to what to write. Needless to say, I never followed through with my story line ideas.

So now, I present to you, the lost story lines for my soap opera (which I eventually just titled, "Not Yo' Momma's Soap Opera"). This stuff is the epitome of anti-climatic.

The Narrator catches the hackey sack in her hand and puts it away in her pocket. She stands up, dusts herself off, and exits stage right, humming the Inspector Gadget theme song

When we last saw Dirk Cherokee, he was dead, killed by Tom Cumino for having an affair with his wife Dianne. Dirk ended up in hell over a misunderstanding about his sexuality and began serving his life-sentence in Eternity as Carson Daly's--better known as "Satan"--assistant. Dirk was sent to MTV studios on Earth disguised as a bosomy blonde named Shannon. Things were going...well, fine for lack of a better word, when Dirk's former girlfriend Eliza burst in. Seemed she could recognize her deceased love even underneath all that make-up and silicone. We last left them in an elevator passionately making out...

Narrator pops her head onstage

Narrator: By the way, I'm still not in the mood to write a new episode of this soap. It's 1:36 in the morning, and I have to go to sleep at some point. So I'll just be paraphrasing the shit I wrote down on that paper long, long ago.

Narrator disappears once more

As I was saying...Dirk and Eliza are making out in the elevator. Long story short, Dirk confesses to Eliza what happened to him. She's initially really pissed off at him for cheating on her with Dianne, but then forgives him, figuring that he's suffered enough already. They restart the elevator and go up to Kurt Loder's office, where they discover that the veteran VJ is none other than the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. They swear loyalty to his Army of Goodness and pledge their service to Kurt in bringing down Carson's evil Gay Army. In return, Kurt gives Dirk back his life, but as Fate would have it, Kurt's a girl-on-girl freak, so Dirk must stay as "Shannon" for the rest of his second life. Eliza's cool with that, since she's bisexual anyway, and they live happily ever after as Dominica's first openly-gay couple. *scans notes* Nothing's written about whether or not they actually DO battle Satan, but since Carson has his own late-night talk show on E! (Evil) television, let's just assume that even if they DID battle him, they probably lost. Moving on...

Jessicka was left sexually frustrated in bed with her boyfriend David--the real evil twin--wandering off to the bathroom to spend a long night with his good buddy Larry Flynt (read: Hustler magazine. She had just spent the day using her evil witch powers to cast a voodoo spell on Jonathon King, her competition in the race for Mayor of Dominica. At the last minute, David's good twin, Divad discovered the plot and tried to stop it, getting blamed for the "crime" in the process. Jonathon and his best friend/assistant/owner of a questionable massage parlour Lizzie paid his bail and took Divad under their collective fruity wings.
Meanwhile, Jessicka and David had been planning on using Voodoo Love Spell #69 to make Jonathon fall in love with a seedy individual who would ruin his reputation as an all-around loveable cross-dressing lumberjack. But whom would they choose?...
*scans notes* Well, fuck me. Didn't write that down either. I know they were probably going to choose someone from Lizzie's "whorehouse," although, knowing my mindset and the inside jokes of the time, I probably would have made them make Jonathon fall in love with Paul, the loveable yet poor high school student. All I have written about this plot line is that, eventually, Jessicka is discovered to be an evil witch, and there is a trial, Monty Python-style to run her out of town. A predicted dialogue exchange:
Mayor Martin: "Do you have any proof that she's a witch?"
Jonathon: "Well, she turned me into a French poodle!"
Mayor Martin: "A French poodle?!"
Jonathon: (looking at himself sheepishly) "Well, I guess I never got better, eh?"
Jessicka is found guilty of being a witch and run out of town, sent to Baltimore, "where people can appreciate her talents."

Also, apparently, David and Divad were supposed to get into an all-out twin vs. twin battle, "like DBZ with powers and lasers" and Mr. T as a referee. ("I pity da fool who goes Super Saiyan on yo' ass!") All of this prompted by Divad snapping after David manages to almost take over the town. I'm guessing that I probably would have let Divad win, since nobody likes being ruled by a Fascist evil Asian twin who moonlights as a high school janitor.

Finally, the show would have ended with the Bryce-Nydia-Alison love triangle. I think Paul was in there, at one point, as possible competetion for Bryce, but at this time, that's highly unlikely. So anyway, we left our high school heroes at a dance club. Paul and Nydia were dancing together (in a platonic fashion, as was insisted by the narrator in a parenthetical clause much like this one), making fun of the lead singer of the Demon Brownies (who was based on Tom Crumbaker of Center Stage telemarketing fame) and discussing Nydia's affections for Bryce. The heir to the Cumino throne, meanwhile, had just been abandoned by his date for the evening (she joined Tom's fan club) and was busy hitting on other women and casting longing glances at his Latino housecleaner's daughter. I forget where his girlfriend, the spoiled bitch Alison, was; maybe I had them break up. I think so. Anyway, according to my notes, Nydia and Bryce finally recognize their underlying sexual tension and hook up while at the beach together. Alison, still bitter about being dumped by the one guy in Dominica who could raise her socio-economic status even higher than it already is, catches wind of this and tries to break them up, with help from her "friend" and lackey Cathaleen (who had discovered Dirk's dead body, if you wlll recall). Anyway, the girls' plotting fails, so finally in desperation, Alison calls out Nydia in the school parking lot and the two girls have a gratuitously sexual cat fight, tearing each other's hair and ripping clothes off until they're both naked and bleeding on the asphalt. Then Nydia wakes up and realizes that it was all a dream. She goes and confesses to Bryce that she likes him; he returns their affections, and they spend the rest of their days in stupid-happy bliss. Alison leaves Dominica after graduation and hooks up with the heir to the Outback Steakhouse throne and spends the rest of her days clothes shopping in New York, Milan, and other such fashionable places.

I had a plot line going where Cathaleen, who was based on my high school arch nemesis Kathleen Goodrich, was madly in love with Nydia's brother Jaime (based on my own brother, whom the real-life Kathleen couldn't stand). The young heartthrob did not return the psycho bitch's affections and opted to go out with more attractive and less insane girls. I don't have anything written down as to their fates, but I'm sure that Jaime probably would have become a playa much like my own brother, and Cathaleen probably would have become a spinster or worm food, depending upon how much mercy and pity I had in my soul the day I was writing that episode.

Narrator wanders in, looking even more tired than she was the first time she came onstage. She is dressed the same, only now she has a brown stuffed bear cradled in one arm and a blanket draped over the other. She stops center stage and stands, addressing the audience

Narrator: All right, kids. As Porky Pig once stuttered, "That's all, folks." This marks the official end of the soap opera. Yeah, there's a lot of loose ends that I should have tied up, but I tried to focus only on plotlines that those who would read my journal would care about. Fuck the Cast of Characters list I was going to type up here. I'm already too fucking tired, and there's papers and shit all over that I still have to deal with. Plus, I have to pee, and I'm not holding it in any longer for the likes of you. So go, shoo, leave. You've finally found closure. Go and become a better person because of it. Till next time...

Narrator waves, blows kisses, and flips everyone off thug-style, then exits stage left, the blanket trailing on the floor behind her.