Dirk: "You're Satan?! Carson Daly, the most popular MTV VJ, is the Lord of Darkness??"
Carson: "Yep."
Dirk: (pause) "I knew it. I told them but they…"
Carson the Almighty Evil One: "Yes, yes, they laughed at you. Well, you're right. Now take a seat. It's time to move on."

Dirk sits in one of the chairs in front of Carson's desk. The Evil One snaps his fingers, and the minions kiss his hands and run off. Carson turns to the left side of his desk and pushes a button on the speakerphone.

Carson: "Garrett, darling?"
Garrett's voice: "Yes, my Lordship?"
Carson: "Could you bring me Mr. Cherokee's file, as well as two coffees: one black, and one two creams, one sugar?"
Garrett's voice: "Of course, my Lordship."
Carson: "Thank you, Garrett."

He releases the button, then turns smiling to Dirk.

That Satanic Bastard: "Garrett—such a sweet man. Used to teach Spanish in an all-girls school. It was so sad—died when a pep rally got horribly out of control. He still has his school spirit though. Makes sure his girls always win."

A small-framed man enters the room carrying a tray. He is wearing brown loafers, khakis, and a baggy, black sweater over a light-blue dress shirt. He has wispy, dark brown hair, naturally tanned skin, and a nose that is a little too big for his face (but NO BEARD!). He is so small and cute that Dirk feels a sudden, overwhelming desire to put him in footy-pajamas and give him a puppy.
On the tray that Garrett is carrying, there is a China coffeepot and two coffee cups visible. When he sets the tray on Carson's desk, we can see that the cups are full of coffee, one black, and one creamy, brown. Garrett serves the black coffee to Carson and the creamy one to Dirk. He catches Dirk's eye and winks flirtatiously. Dirk smiles back weakly and takes the coffee. Garrett hands a folder to Carson, kisses his hand, and walks out of the room.

Carson sips his coffee carefully as he peruses Dirk's file. Then he looks up and sets down his cup.

Carson, that Pudgy SOB: (disappointed, like a manager will sound when a new employee has screwed up) "It appears that you were not my biggest fan on earth, Dirk."
Dirk: (gulping anxiously) "Well, see my friends…they…"
Carson: (dismissing Dirk's excuse with a wave of his hand) "It doesn't matter now. You're dead; your friends are not. You have to deal with me; they don't. I'm not asking you to like me, just that you worship me and follow all of my orders faithfully for the rest of eternity."
Dirk: "I can do that."
Carson: "Good. Now, about your job. You will be my personal secretary. Garrett is fine at handling the office work, but he's too fragile to deal with all of my Earth-related duties. God knows they'd tear him apart up there. You will be something like my publicist, agent, and fan-club president all rolled into one. Also, you will be in charge of keeping my enemies away. I'll introduce you to my Earth-minion and leader of my Living Army Rose-Marie when we go up above in a few minutes." (Sips his coffee, relishing each droplet of liquid) "Do you have any questions thus far?"
Dirk: "Will I be on TRL with you? I mean, if I am, no biggie, but am I going to look like this? My girlfriend my recognize me."
Carson: (laughing) "Goodness, no, you won't look like yourself. The living can't handle seeing the dead. Trust me, we tried it early on. That whole 'Tupac and Kurt Cobain aren't really dead' thing got *so* out of control."
Dirk: (amazed) "Holy shit…are you trying to tell me that Tupac Shakur and Kurt Cobain are GAY?!"
Carson: "Goodness, no! You're quite the clown, Dirk. I like that in personal minions. No, Tupac and Kurt are not gay. They're up in Heaven with the rest of the Puritans, but God and I were talking in the beginning about the possibility of having a nice little holy war, you know, something to get people believing in us again. I wanted Tupac on my side, he being a hard-core thug and all, so we sent them to Earth to scout out a nice little battlefield. Unfortunately, they were spotted and recognized, and that whole conspiracy theory started…" (Sips coffee) "It's just too much of a hassle. We disguise all of our deceased now. You'll get a disguise too, and yes, you may get on TRL every now and then. I haven't decided yet."
Dirk: "Well, then, let's get this show on the road!!"
Satan: (amused) "Tut tut, Dirk, you haven't even touched your coffee, and Garrett went through all the trouble of making it special for you. Finish it off, say 'See ya later' to the Welcoming Committee outside, and then we'll be on our way."

Dirk gulps down his coffee and stands up excitedly. Carson slowly and gracefully rises from his seat and walks around from behind the desk. Dirk hurries to the door and opens it for his new lord and master. Carson nods his thanks, then steps out with Dirk following close behind.
Nathan and Robin are leaning over Garrett's desk, obviously flirting. They all look up as Dirk and Carson exit the room, and Nathan and Robin fall to their knees and kiss Carson's outstretched hand. Carson bids them to rise, and they do so.

Dirk: "Hey guys, it looks like I've got the job. We're going up to Earth now, so I guess that I'll see you two later."
Nathan: "Okay, honey, have a good time, and don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Robin: "Well, then, that leaves him plenty of options."

Nathan makes a teasing face at Robin, and Dirk and Carson walk off.

Meanwhile back on Earth, the town of Dominica is watching the end of Passions, excited over the blooming romance of Ethan and Teresa (finally!). When the show ends, many of the younger residents of Dominica, as well as Jonathan, Lizzie, and Eliza, turn their stations to MTV to watch the *ever-so-popular* Total Request Live. They chat during the commercials and debate as to which boy band will be number one today. (Jonathan is rooting for his favourites *NSYNC.) None of them know that TRL gets a new co-host today…

Dirk and Carson are in an express elevator that is heading directly for the MTV studios in New York City. Dirk keeps yawning in a futile attempt to pop his ears, but Carson is obviously used to it. Finally, Dirk gives up and turns to his new Lord and Master.

Dirk: "Carson…"

Carson shoots him a menacing glare.

Dirk: "Sorry…Almighty Evil One…" (Carson grins) "What exactly will my disguise be when we reach Earth? You're not going to make me look like Slim Shady are you?"
Carson: "No. One Eminem in this universe is enough. You'll see when we get there. Honestly, Dirk, we're going to have to work on getting you some patience."

Dirk sighs and faces the doors again. The screen switches to a view of the elevator as it is on Earth. A little bell dings as it reaches its destination. The doors open, and we see that Carson is no longer standing next to the Dirk we have come to know and love.
Next to the most popular VJ on Earth is a tall, voluptuous brunette woman. She is wearing her long hair down in tantalizing curls that fall over her shoulders and down her back. Her clothes leave little for the imagination: she is wearing a tight baby-tee that simply says "Angel" on it, as well as tight, black leather pants. Perhaps most striking of all on this young woman (whose age is about seventeen) is the look of unadulterated shock on her face.
Carson strolls out of the elevator, and the brunette hesitates only long enough before darting out between the closing doors. She hurries to catch up with Carson, her breasts bouncing hypnotically up and down. The girl grabs Carson by the arm.

Girl: "YOU MADE ME A WOMAN????"
Carson, MTVVJ: "Well, yes, Dirk, I thought that you would enjoy the choice, 'not being gay and all.' Everyone in Hell who comes to Earth is a woman—they're all gay. They love it. It's like cross-dressing, but…more appeasing to the eye. Plus, it would look bad if most of my followers were middle-aged gay men, now wouldn't it?"
Dirk: "Just because I want to screw women, doesn't mean I want to *be* one!"

Carson sighs and removes Dirk's manicured hand from his arm. His facial expression is that of a man who is beginning to feel pain from being patient for a long period of time with a very trying person.

Carson: "Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. Really, you're dead. You're in hell. What does it matter? During a commercial break, you'll probably lock yourself in the women's bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, and feel yourself up. Then you'll come back feeling a lot better. In the meantime, I need you here with me. We need a good name for you, something…feminine. Any suggestions?"
Dirk: (thoughtfully) "Well, I had a girlfriend once named Shannon. I always liked that name. What do you think?"
Carson: "Shannon is fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my dressing room and get my hair and make-up done. What I need you to do is make sure that all the guests for the day are here, and make sure that the crowd is ready and raring to go. Get the happy and yelling. If you have to bribe the boys with your breasts, do so. If you have to promise the girls a chance to have sex with me…do so."
Dirk/Shannon: "But, aren't most of these girls under the legal age?"
Carson, child-lover: "I am Carson Daly, the ruler of the Underworld. The laws of your former world apply not to me."

With that, Carson walks off down the hall towards his dressing room, while Dirk is left stunned. He is snapped back into reality when a harried-looking technician runs up to him.

Techie: "Hey, you're that new broad Carson hired to be his secretary or whatever right?"
Dirk/Shannon: "Right, I'm…Shannon Davids. Nice to meet you."

Shannon offers her hand, but the techie declines. Instead, he thrusts a clipboard into Dirk's soft, feminine hands.

Techie: "Here. You need to go down this hallway, make a left and then go from room to room to make sure that all of the guests are okay. First up is Justin Timberlake from *NSYNC. He's "just dropping by" to plug the group's tour, which is coming into town tomorrow night. Next room over is Tom Green, who's trying to get people to vote for his new single "Can You Believe I'm Marrying Drew Barrymore?" which premieres today. He keeps screaming for a blender or something…see what we have in the lunchroom—it's two hallways down from Tom's room. Just follow the signs and you'll find it. Fred Durst has been threatening to show up today with Christina Aguilera or something…I don't know. That guy needs some ritalin, if you ask me." (pause) "Of course you didn't, so I'll shut up and let you do your job now."

With that, the anonymous tech guy runs off, speaking quietly into a head microphone. Dirk shakes his curly head and wanders off the hallway.