Episode Six:

The episode begins with a view of the Dominica police department building. The camera travels through the offices, showing detectives typing reports, taking calls, talking to crying mothers, and drinking coffees. It passes the interrogation rooms and goes down a long hallway, pass some guarded doors, and into the Dominica County Jail. The second cell on the right holds a very disgruntled and disheveled Divad Alan, charged with…um…tampering with an election and harassment. Divad is yelling loudly and throwing himself against the cell bars.

Divad: (yelling and such) "I swear that I'm innocent! It's my brother David and his witch of a girlfriend Jessicka Walnut who are behind this! I'm a Catholic, for God's sake! I don't dabble in this witchcraft nonsense! You've got the wrong guy!"

But no police officers answer his cries. The only response Divad gets is the laughing and catcalls of the other prisoners. Defeated and smelling a lot like his brother (ew…grungy), Divad retreats to the bunk of his cell where he falls asleep, wallowing in self-pity.

Fade to Jonathan King's living room. Jon is laying on his couch, an ice pack on his head and a soothing Backstreet Boys ballad playing on his CD player. Lizzie glides in, carrying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a tall glass of orange juice.

Lizzie: "Come on, honey, time to eat something."
Jonathan: "I'm really not in the mood right now, Lizzie dear."

Lizzie sets the tray of food on the coffee table in front of Jonathan and then takes the ice pack off of Jonathan's head.

Lizzie: "I said, 'It's time to eat something.'"

Jonathan sits up slowly. He picks up the sandwich and begins to eat it.

Jonathan: "Fine. You're the boss….God, I can't believe that Divad would do such a thing. You always talk about what a great guy he is."
Lizzie: "He is a great guy. David was the one with the voodoo doll. I saw it with my own eyes. Of course, no one is going to believe the testimony of a supposedly-evil twin and a supposed-prostitute."

Jonathan washes down his sandwich with the orange juice. When he finishes, he turns to Lizzie and looks her straight in the eye.

Jonathan: "Well, what am I supposed to do?"
Lizzie: "You could always pay his bail. It's only set at five hundred dollars."
Jonathan: "Lizzie, honey, I am not made of money. The lumberjack business isn't exactly a Fortune-500 operation."
Lizzie: "Well, I have some money, and his sister Tiffany is willing to dish out a hundred or so. It's just not right to keep him in jail for something that he didn't do. Anyway, he's a pansy; he'll get eaten alive."
Jonathan: "True, true. But won't it look odd that I'm posting bail for an accused pagan psycho?"
Lizzie: "It will make you look good, trust me. It will show that you're forgiving and good-hearted. I would just make sure that he's under protective custody once he gets out of jail though. You know how popular you are."
Jonathan: (seriously) "You really trust this guy, Lizzie?"
Lizzie: "Yeah. He's just a good guy with a bad rep."
Jonathan: (sighing) "Fine. After we post his bail, I'll take him under my wing and make him a part of the team. He'll be around you and me almost twenty-four hours a day. He'll be safe and I can keep an eye on him."

Lizzie: (hugging Jonathan) "Thank you, sweetie. Now, come on, let's go to the bank so that we can get poor Divad out of jail."

Jonathan and Lizzie exit the room and the screen goes black.

The screen fades in again in the bedroom of Jessicka Walnut. She and David are in bed, obviously naked, but under the covers so that all important things are covered. (Damn censors!) Jessicka has a book open on her lap 107 Spells to Cast on Your Political Enemy. David is reading the latest issue of Hustler magazine.
Jessicka turns to David, who is entirely engrossed in his magazine.

Jessicka: "Things were going well today with the voodoo doll, don't you think?"
David: (looking up briefly) "Huh? Oh, yeah. Really well."
Jessicka: "Although I think that you were a bit immature with the stuff you made him do. Still, we can try again later."
David: "Yeah, whatever. So do you have an new spell you wanna talk about, because if not, I have some…things…I need to do in the bathroom."

David looks back at the magazine longingly. Jessicka sighs and rolls her eyes impatiently.

Jessicka: "Get your mind off of your penis for a minute. I'll buy you a lifetime supply of Hustler magazines as soon as I get enough power, but right now I'm just some…normal…person. You have to concentrate NOW to help me get to that point."

She shifts on the bed so that David can see the book. Amazingly, the blankets move with her, still revealing nothing. David moves closer as well and peers at the book.

Jessicka: "Now, Spell Number 69 is a love spell."

David snickers like the immature guy he is. Jessicka slaps him lightly on the head and continues.

Jessicka: "Quit it! Now, it's a love spell. I figure that we can use it against Jonathan to make him seem fruitier than he already is."
David: "What do you mean?"
Jessicka: "Well, I know for a fact that while the idiots of this town love Jonathan despite his affection for dressing in women's clothes, so making him fall in love with someone of the same sex probably wouldn't get the town all riled up. What we need is someone for Jonathan to adore who would set the gossip mills roaring into overdrive. Someone this town can't stand, or at least doesn't approve of, but I don’t know who."
David: "So, what, you want me to find someone for Jonny-boy to whore himself to?"
Jessicka: "Don't end your sentence in a preposition, and yes, I need someone with whom Jonathan can fall in love."
David: "That's easy then. Just get one of the prostitutes that work over at Lizzie's Massage Parlour. All the 'respectable' women in Dominica can't stand anyone who even looks at that place."
Jessicka: "Yes, yes, but which one?"
David: (standing up and taking the magazine with him) "I'll go by there tomorrow and do some undercover spying for you, hon. We can finish this discussion tomorrow."

David tucks the Hustler under his arm and walks around the bed to Jessicka's side. He leans over and kisses her on the forehead, then walks to the door.

David: (turning to face Jessicka) "Don't wait up for me, sexy. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

David walks out the door, and the camera gets a shot of a slightly pissed off Jessicka sighing and then finally turning off the lamp next to her bed.

Final scene: the Dominica County Jail once again. Divad is laying on his back on the cell's bunk, playing a blues tune on a harmonica. He hears the jangling of keys but doesn't look up at first. When he realizes that the sound is really his cell door being unlocked, he sits up at sees a cute, Latino police officer pushing open the door. Lizzie and Jonathan are standing behind him.

Latino cop: "Okay, Alan, you're free to go. Your sexy girl-friend and Mr. King have posted your bail."
Lizzie: (hugging the cop playfully) "Oh, thank you, Officer Lopez-Fitzgerald!"
Officer Luis (!): "You're welcome, miss. Just doing my job."

Lizzie walks into the cage and hugs Divad warmly. He's obviously happy to see her.

Lizzie: "I know that you had nothing to do with that voodoo doll nonsense. You just don't have it in you."
Divad: "Thanks for trusting me, Lizzie." To Jonathan "And thank you, Mr. King. I'm really sorry about today."
Jonathan: "Eh, don't worry about it, Divad, and don't apologize for something that's not your fault. Oh, by the way, you can call me 'Jonathan' from now on. You're the newest edition to my campaign committee. Welcome to the club."
Divad: (moving to shake Jonathan's hand) "Thank you, sir, um…Jonathan. I'll do my best to help you beat that…that…that evil bitch!"
Lizzie: "Ah, ah, ah. No one in Jon's campaign committee is allowed to trash the other team. That includes you."
Divad: "Okay, fine. I won't say any of that stuff out loud, but I'm still going to think it, because it is the truth."

Divad squeezes his eyes shut and makes a face much like that of someone visualizing themselves punching someone in the face. His lips quiver with curse words left unsaid and his hands clench and unclench violently. After a few minutes, he opens his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, then smiles.

Divad: "Okay, it's out of my system for now. Let's get the hell out of here." To Luis (so sexy!) "No offense, but this place isn't exactly a five-star Holiday Inn."
Officer Luis: (laughing) "No offense taken, Mr. Alan. You're not the first person to complain about the accommodations. I think it's the lack of adequate room service."

The trio of friends laugh loudly along with Officer Lopez-Fitzgerald as they walk out of the cell and out of the jail. As they walk out, a tall, attractive blonde woman walks in and makes her way to Officer Lopez-Fitzgerald, who is shutting and relocking Divad's old cell. Sexy Latin music begins to play. Luis turns to the woman with a look of lust and passion. His gorgeous chocolate-brown eyes roam up and down her body, clothed in a silky, expensive, and form-fitting sundress. His gaze meets hers and, like magnets to a locker door, they are drawn into each other's arms. Eyes locked intensely, Luis and the woman dance the tango. When the music ends, Luis dips the woman and kisses her long and passionately. He slowly pulls her up, one hand massaging her lower back, the other skimming through her short, wavy locks. She is running her hands over the rough stubble on his face and over his firm, strong chest.

Finally, they pull away completely from each other, Luis to one side of the narrow hallway, the blonde to the other. Luis licks the taste of the woman's mouth off of his lips and grins arrogantly. The woman daintily flicks some spit off of her mouth and returns Luis' grin.

Woman: (still smiling) (said seductively) "I hate you, Officer Lopez-Fitzgerald."
Luis: (smiling as well) (also said seductively) "I loathe you, Sheridan Crane."

With that, Sheridan throws herself at Luis, who catches her and picks her up. She wraps her slender legs around his waist, and they osculate (kiss, people) again. Still holding on to Sheridan, Luis staggers down the hallway, away from the police department. The Latin music returns, and the inmates holler shouts of encouragement. Luis and Sheridan reach the end of the hall and stagger out the door as the camera fades to black.

Ha! That's the way it should be on Passions, not with all this "I hate you but I love you" crap. It's getting old, people…seriously. That one was for Jonny, who is now fully domesticated and addicted to Passions.