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Entry
22
Entry
21
Okay
so I got a little pissed off on the egroup and just freaked out on someone...
It couldn't be helped! No I don't feel like telling you the whole story
but basically it revolves around that woman who attacked me at the meeting
for "saying the wrong thing" and how I sorta used her whole "god made us
so we'ze special" speech against her after she said something about a woman
in another room who was getting more attention than her from all the nurses.
Suffice it to say that everyone hates me now and I don't give a flying
rat ass. Anyway I went to the doctor yesterday and the desk woman pretty
much forced me to go on birth control even though for the last 3 years
of marriage I have been able to handle the whole not getting pregnant shit
on my own. I really don't want to go on the shot because I hear so many
horror stories about it but that too can not be helped at this point. Oh
yeah this past weekend... I had Kim and Paul over to spend a few days and
everything was fine up to the point where shimmie in his divine wisdom
(this is sarcasm) decided it was time to claim the brand new air bed with
Kim and Paul in it for his own. So, my 2 best friends got peed on in their
sleep with Kimmie getting the worst of it. Yet another thing that couldn't
be helped... Other than that everything was fun. We went to the big fish
tank and even though there was tons of people and we forgot our digi cam
we had a good time. I'm planning to go back this friday to get some pics
for to share with Kim. Tomorrow is my pre testing thing at Good Sam then
I get the rest of the week to relax and contemplate my new path before
surgery on the 26th. I'll update this tomorrow with all the pre testing
who-ha...
Entry
20
There's
12 more days until I go under the knife. You would not believe the shit
I've been eating lately! I sorta feel like I have to get it all in because
I won't be able to have it ever again. I'll have to put a list together
for you later some of the stuff is really rather funny. The last big thing
on my list of favorites is banana pudding which I absolutly love to death!
No it's not just pudding it's got all kinds of other junk in it too, like
nella waffers, whip cream, bits of pineapple. Fucking awesome stuff! Grr
I gotta go finish cleaning the bathroom before Bill gets home.
Entry
19
This
week has been a bit on the crazy side that's why I haven't updated this
thing in a while. I got my actual conformation of surgery on thursday after
noon, it is indeed march 26th. Here's a funny story though, after all the
calling around thursday and friday between doctor hospital and insurance
company I get this letter from insurance in the mail on saturday saying
that I was denied!!!! You should have seen me. I was totally nuts! By the
time I got the letter everything was closed so I was stuck with his horrid
piece of paper that single handedly wrecked all my dreams and I couldn't
do a damn thing about it. Sunday I spent most of the day crying my eyes
out. We ended up having to go food shopping and I just couldn't do it because
I was so depressed. So monday rolls around and when I wake up I called
my insurance company to asked them why they all the sudden changed their
mind and the nice woman on the phone tells me that yes I did get aproved
and that the letter was a mistake. Talk about relief! Before all that junk
was a little bit better for me. Bill and I found out that the local service
merchindise was shutting down so we went over there and I found a digital
camera for 90 bucks, an oriental style bird cage thingie for 35 (something
we've been looking for to do an art project with), and some other junk
for the apartment. We also got a few things from best buy to make t-shirts
and I finally got a new mouse pad (i know it's a cheap thing but when you
play tons of games with a mouse it does matter). Oh today I made Bill stop
at the thirft shop and i found a little stair climber for 29 bucks. This
made me mighty happy. In a few days my bestest friend Kim will be here
for the weekend so I have to cut this short and start cleaning the house.
Today started out with
me feeling not so fresh. There was this evil stupid stink beast of a woman
at the super market who made a big deal out of me moving her cart away
from me while she was bagging her food stuffs (it was way far away from
her and trapping me in the check out line). She acted as if I did some
mortally wrong deed by reclaiming my own personal space and I just wanted
to cave her skull in (but I didn't). Anyway... I got the call from the
desk lady (Dawn) at my surgeon's office today and my insurance will cover
the surgery 100%. My projected date of under the knifieness is march 26th.
Yup I'm happy and I'm also a little bit wigged out just from the usually
surgery worries that a 277 pound recent ex smoker with heart issues and
diabetes would have. I'm sure everything will go smoothly though. I keep
thinking about the good things this will bring about, like not having check
my friggin' blood sugar every time i wanna eat and not having to take 50
million pills just to get up in the morning and stay alive. It will work
out all fine and be so worth it. Like i say so often I don't even care
what I will look like in the end, as long as I get healthy I will be happy.
Oh glee and merriment abound.... I also found out that there will be no
psych test or visit to the head shrinker in my immediate future! This is
a good thing because we all know I am fucking bonkers! Oooh.... This friday
I'ze getting my hair cut (and bleached and dyed a pretty shade of blue)
and then my bestest friend Kim is coming over with her digicam so I will
have nice current pics to put up. (^_^)
Entry
17
I was just thinking about
the email group I belong to based around my sergeon, and I realized that
I REALLY don't belong in it. These ladies are different from me in so many
ways...
Entry
16
Today I watched the last
of my little pet rats pass away. For a few weeks she'd been suffering
in her little cage beside me as I sit at the computer and today she just
gave up her fight. I don't really know what was wrong with her but one
day she and her sister Yumi went from really really fat (and cute I might
add) to little skinny Ally McBeal rats. Their eating and potty habits didn't
really change or anything, it was just like some weird illness struck them
and started to steal their health. Swurlie seemed stronger because her
health really wasn't all that bad until right after Yumi passed. I think
it had more to do with depression than actual illness because those two
girls had been together since birth. Rats are a lot like people in that
respect, they show strong emotion to "den mates" and siblings, and they
do feel loss when one is removed from the cage or passes on. I miss them
both terribly now...
Entry
15
I am so lazy this week.
I wanted to get a bunch of sets done before the end of this month and,
as you can see that didn't happen. To be honest I haven't really felt like
doing a whole lot of junk lately. It's not so much me thinking about this
surgery, but more like me falling back into that "I'm fat I'm not doing
nothing" kind of mood. I really ought to get my ass in gear, because my
house is starting to look like the aftermath of a nuke, and I don't even
wanna tell you what the cat box smells like...
Entry
14
Today I read a slightly
out dated essay about the stigma of obesity and I came across something
that my Doctor (Dr. Roe at Rossville weight loss center) talked about.
It dealt with a study done on over weight mice and a chemical produced
in the brain called leptin. The scientists found that these chubby mice
had a defect in their genetic makeup that caused them to not produce leptin
which in tern causes them to over eat. Leptin is a chemical that tells
the brain to shut off the hunger response. When these mice were injected
with the chemical they lost 30% of their body weight in 2 weeks and when
none obese mice were given the chemical they lost 13% of their body weight.
Sounds neat don't it...
Entry
13 (ooooh spooky)
So I call the insurance
company today and they say to me "oh someone just called us today at 2:45
about the surgery and they were going to fax us something". So I asked
the phone woman "do you think they will cover it" and she said she couldn't
really answer that. So I calls the doctor's office and i get a busy signal
for 3 hours then i finally get through and i hear a fax sound so i just
gave up for the day. I'll call them again tomorrow morning.
Entry
12
I was supposed to get
a call from the desk lady at the doctor's office today about my insurance
covering surgery or not and she didn't call. I don't really wanna call
back there so soon cause I am sure they are busy with other clients and
what not. I'm sure everything will go through and if it doesn't then I
guess i have to get a job and pay for it myself. That doesn't really bother
me I guess cause it's worth it in the long run and, I gotta get a real
job anyway.
Entry
11
I'm a little distressed
right now because I almost got into a fight about religion in a chat meant
for WLS support. Why do people always have to ask others what faith they
are? And why do they pick the MOST fucked up moments to "share" their faith
with others? It's not fair at all! I didn't go there to convert to christianity
I went there to talk about a surgery. Yeah I know it's dangerous and I
know I could die on the table but that doesn't mean I want to change my
"faith" over it. Pheh People suck all over. I'm starting to dread going
to the live support group now. I don't have anything at all against the
religious choices of others, it's just that when it's pushed on me I get
upset. I'm sure a christian would get crazy on me if I pushed atheism on
them. S'just not fair! How come people can't just back the hell off! Man,
I just realized how angry I've been lately. I think it's just the stress
of the situation. Oh well...
Entry
10
Sorry for not writing
when I got home from the doctor but after being there for 5 hours I just
didn't feel like being awake. I do have great news though! I am a go for
surgery and I will have it by late March early April! All that's left now
is to wait for the insurance company's okay and get some testing done.
I found out that I don't actually have to take a psych test but I will
have to go see a shrink so that they have proof that I am able to understand
that the surgery is not reversible and that I will have to permanently
change my life style and eating habits. It should be a piece of cake! I
mean I've been studying this surgery for 2 years at least so I think I
a understand all that goes with it! Boy am I happy today! I can't believe
it's all falling into place so fast. I really did think that I would have
to be on a waiting list for ages and ages. Oh I talked to my mom in law
about it and she was not real happy. She kept saying that food is the greatest
joy in life and that she could never give something like that up. I guess
she doesn't understand what it's like to be as big as I am. She's never
had to deal with the pain of someone calling her names or playing mean
jokes on her because of her weight, and she's never had to rest after just
walking up some steps. Life is a hell of a lot harder when you are fat
lemme tell ya! You gotta spend more money on shitty looking clothes that
still don't fit properly, you gotta pay for all kinds of medications, you
gotta buy the extra seat on the plain, and you gotta take shit from other
"beautiful people" just cause you don't look like them. It's a no win situation!
I'm so glad I found the door outa this fat jail cell. To all of you starting
your WLS path I wish you luck and happiness!
Entry
09
Man oh man am I nervous!
Just like the title of this post says there's only 2 more days till I find
out if I meet the qualifications for surgery. I realize that this is just
one tiny little step in the whole scheme of things but this is actually
the hardest part for me. I really do what this surgery and if I am turned
down for any reason it would just devastate me. I'm really worried that
something might go wrong but then I think about all the others that went
before me and how they were either in worse shape or much better shape
than I am and they got the okay. Oh well more later...
Entry
08
Today had to have been
the single most suckie day I have had all years! First Bill and I had to
go do wash so we went to our normal launderette which was totally crowded
so we left and found another one that was pretty inexpensive and not crowded
at all. Everything is fine up until this evil woman and her small filthy
faced screaming child come in. I felt like i just couldn't get away from
that even when I went outside the little wretch banged on the glass doors
and screamed at me (he looked about 5 years old)! Later that day I had
to go get my actos (diabetes drug) proscription filled so I call the doctor's
office and tell the woman to please give the okay to the pharmacy to refill
my pills. I get there and the druggist says no one called for them so he
calls the doctor's office for me. There is of course no answer 2 hours
I wait while the poor druggist calls them repeatedly with no answer. At
this point I am mighty might pissed because this drug is something that
is keeping me alive, and I can't really go one day with out it. So I make
my poor husband drive us to the doctor's office where I bitch out the beast
of a woman behind the desk for not answering the phone, and I tell her
that I called them 2 hours ago about the refill and she woman just looked
at me like I had 3 heads or something. So finally another desk wench comes
and tells me she will get my the refill paper and to just sit and wait
for it. So I sit for another hour in the doctor's office waiting for one
fucking piece of paper that only has 4 words on it. While I wait I notice
the phone ring 6 different times with out being answered even though the
beast woman is sitting not 4 inches away from it watching TV. Anyway I
finally get the fucking pill paper and I make an appointment while I am
there for Wednesday just so i can tell the doctor what kind of stupidity
he has working for him. People like the ones I had to deal with today are
the exact reason I don't go out so often anymore. No one has a fucking
brain in their heads!!!
Entry
07
Lately I've had my mind
on a show I saw not too long ago on Discovery health called "Christie's
Story". It was pretty much a documentary about a 22 year old chick who
was 500 pounds looking to get a gastric bypass. The documentary starts
out with her crying and carrying on about wanted to be able to do things
with her child and live long enough to see that child grow up. As the story
goes on we get to see her lose weight and attend all kinds of church junk
(sorry i am not religious) and we get to see her having complications from
the surgery and what not. consequently her family gets sick of her and
wants to put her in a home cause she's rather ill (i find this moronic).
Then after all the junk and hassle and stupidity of white trash USA she
finally reaches goal and gets reconstruction surgery on her skin. Enter
the new and improved skinny Christie who now lives in a white trash welfare
town somewhere in middle america. At which point she is shown partying
it up with all these filthy stink people drinking doing drugs and having
sex with strange men then letting said strange men sleep in her child's
bed!!! This whole thing pissed me off so god damned much because Discovery
channel (which I usually dig) made this surgery and the women who need
it look like trash! This woman they picked was stupid (as in brainless)
immature and mentally ill. We (as in the obese masses) are not all like
this filthy beast of a human! We are educated, mature normal human beings
who need help. It's because of things like this documentary that "fat"
people are looked at as stupid and that pisses me off so so so fucking
much! I am NOT that bitch! I will not wreck my second chance at life with
drugs or loose living! I will take my new life and live it to the fullest!
Entry
06
Man I feel like
dooky! I decided to start my "stop smoking" technique today, because I
realized that my chest pain is a direct reaction from my anti-depressants
and my ciggies. I also stopped taking the Celexa because I am sick of sleeping
for 14 to 18 hours a day and waking up only to need to go back to sleep.
Anyway I've only smoked 7 ciggies in the last 24 hours so it shouldn't
be too hard to stop all together. I'm a little worried that the doctor
will make me wait on the surgery because most will not do it for people
who smoke. That's just another reason to quit! I also need these chest
pains to stop cause that will just delay everything too and I am sooooooo
sick of waiting! In other Me news, I was supposed to come off my sabbatical
from web design today but I just can't think of anything cool to put up
on the site. There's too much other shit going on right now for me to take
time to think about graphics. I haven't even reinstalled the bulk of my
art programs, and I would have to do that before anything else. I will
put some new stuff out hopefully before my consultation date so I guess
it's not so bad. Anyway take care and good luck to all of you having surgery
soon!
Entry
05
Today has been
nice so far, I went out and got my prescription for Zocor filled then Bill
and I ran around for a bit doing nothing (got some ciggies and a loaf of
rye bread) then we ran outa cash and just sat at home talking about this
and that. I really love Bill and I am so glad that I finally found someone
who can love me and be kind to me no matter what I look like. If I was
religious I would say he was a blessing but I'm not so I'll just say that
he was Karma's gift after such a long time of shit. I am truly thankful
to what ever forces brought us together and I hope after all this is said
and done that we will still be together for a long long time. Bill if you
ever read this regardless of what happens, know that I love you and I will
always be with you no matter what form I am left in after this surgery.
You are everything to me!
Entry
04
This weekend was pretty
cool. Bill and I went food shopping and then to walfart (walmart) where
I found a Luna P ball (sailor moon toy) for 4 bucks! It's a little plastic
ball shaped like a cat head with an antennae on the top, it opens up into
a little jewel case and it's a motion sensor so that when you walk by it,
it meows really loud and the eyes light up. Sunday I had killer chest pain,
It prolly had to do with the fact that i've been thinking about the surgery
so much. I did find that when I ate the pain went a away a little bit that
sorta made me sad though cause I just don't wanna gain anymore weight.
Man I really hope everything goes well during the consultation and I hope
I don't have to wait ages and ages to get this surgery. I'm gonna go for
now...
Entry
03
I feel so crappy today
:( For most of the actual day yesterday I puked my brains out cause I got
myself all worked up over the surgery. Man I hope everything goes through.
On a different note, I did some work for my web ring (free anime web graphics)
and found out that our member of the month doesn't have the proper ring
code on her site so, we might have to ax her and pick the runner up which
will suck cause the actual real winner is a good friend of mine. I'm also
getting pretty sick of running my site. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore,
cause no one goes there and no one ever emails me about graphics or signs
the guest book (now it's a weird survey). I do really like making web graphics
and doing sites but it's just so unrewarding these days. Oh well. I'll
write more later.
Entry
02
Errr! I hate being diabetic!
I was just foraging in the kitchen for something to nibble on (it's late
so i can only eat carrots or celery (stuff like that) and low and behold
there's none in the whole house (watch me cry here I go). However there
are tons and tons of the things I can't eat all over the place. My husband
who is perfectly healthy and flaunts it like peacock feathers can eat what
ever he wants so there's all kinds of candy and cookies and yummy junk
foodie things sitting in the fridge right now and it's driving me batty!
It's hard not to dive right into the fridge and pull out that 3 pound box
of Canollis and just run off with it like the wind! Oh well...
Entry
01
I'm a little upset today
because I had to reschedule my WLS consultation for the 22nd. It's cause
Bill got home really late from work and we missed the appointment by 10
minutes. Oh well, at least this gives me a few more days to rethink my
personal letter and get a little more information from people who've already
had it done. I'm not half as scared as I was yesterday or half as irate
so today's entry might just stay right where it is (i deleted yesterdays
cause it was CRAZY). Today I sorta just relaxed and played with my neopets
(i'm addicted) to keep my mind off all the what if's and why's of the whole
situation. Oh well we shall find out soon enough...
Here's my wish list (or
goal list) for when and if I get thinner.
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