winter

by Julia

Just as it is suffering, just as it is succeeded, just as it is moist so is there no countering.
Gertrude Stein, from "Cranberries" 1914

Thanks Shireen for this beta as per usual. Lateness is me, like 90% of the time, but more importantly: you rock!!

In the last weeks of school practices had gotten more and more intense in anticipation of the approaching break. With the pressure mounting, Justin sought refuge from somewhere, but he seemed to be constantly going somewhere and needing to do something. Even his few hours at the supermarket were busy, as the coming holidays required a constant eye on inventory. A couple of seasonal workers were hired, among them a gray-haired woman with spectacles that saw around corners.

After two days of nothing at all, Justin was itching for JC. He could feel it in the tightness in his lower back, which ached without a calm supporting hand to lean against. On one particular afternoon, soon before vacation was to start, he had a stack of cases of soda in his arms when he felt a pair of hands on his waist and soft, warm breath on his neck. A chin on his shoulder. He tensed further, then relaxed when JC spoke, murmuring something in his ear about giving the lady a show.

He was more than tempted, JC solid at his back as Justin leaned against him, but the bottles were getting heavy in his arms, his knuckles turning white and his forearms beginning to tingle.

"Lemme just-" he breathed and shoved the boxes on top of a crate Green Giant Corn Niblets with a grunt. At the same moment the manager rounded the corner and he sighed dramatically as he bent to pick them back up again. He sent an apologetic pout over his shoulder at JC, who turned up a corner of his lips and grabbed a clipboard to finish the inventory for that aisle.

The forced dutifulness of the store and the approaching holiday season made Justin yearn for the past, so distant (the summer?), when it had been he and Britney against the rest of the world. Like superheroes or some shit. Lois and Clark, Spiderman and Mary Jane, except Britney was prettier than those girls, and he wasn't feeling like too much of a hero. He'd been a bit more wary of mistletoe this year, even after Britney had convinced him, beyond all logical doubt, that he'd been wrong. Showed him pictures of Joe with one or another of the girlfriends or boyfriends who'd lasted long enough to visit the set. Trust was still hard to come by, but he couldn't bear to ruin his mother's favorite time of year by altering appearances.

The days after Christmas and before New Year's, when school still seemed far away and exams a part of the hazy future at the end of January, were always warm in Justin's mother's house. While quiet, every corner was filled with tantalizing scents from the kitchen - browning pie and roasting goose and sweet, sweet mashed potatoes. Lynne and Lynn had outdone themselves this year. The two women had a camaraderie born not only of their children's relationship but also, Justin suspected, of a trace of jealousy on his mother's part whenever Mrs. Spears mentioned her daughter's work on the play. But they had been sharing an enormous dinner in this in-between-time for the past two years, and if nothing else, their friendly competition produced incredible results in the kitchen.

The dinner was delicious as always, though Justin's eyes kept catching on the glint of the watch his mom had given him for Christmas. He opened his fist and clamped it shut quickly, the 9:30 in JC's luxuriant scrawl spread across his palm. They'd decided on a time, just in case. The third peach cobbler his grandmother had baked for the holidays was warm, finally, but it was already nine by the time both bustling families gathered at the table. Normally Justin would take his time, stealing a bite from the tines of Britney's fork when the parents were sufficiently engrossed in conversation about neighbors or jobs or some such. But Britney's fork seemed to be spending more time prodding and poking her pie into a gooey mess than bringing it to her mouth. Her mouth, which was still pink and perfect-but when she caught him looking and sought to meet his gaze he glanced away and cleared his throat.

"Excuse me. I'm just-. I'll be back in a minute." He could see Britney swallow and wrap her arms around herself, even as the parents nodded and kept up their chatter. All Justin knew at that moment was his need to see JC, his hope that he hadn't left yet. He could feel it all through him, in his palm where the writing was still scrawled, at the small of his back where JC had not had the opportunity to rest a hand of late.

He slid the door shut behind him, careful not to let out any of the dogs. Just them, alone, this time. He glanced up to see JC leaning casually against the bricks of the garage, his long black coat blending into the night. In the twinkling half-light provided by the Christmas decorations spread across the lawn, Justin took in cheekbones and hair tousled by the chilled breeze before stepping closer. He thought perhaps that JC against him was the best thing. Or kissing. Kissing with JC's hand in his hair, pulling him closer, quiet. The more he though about it, the more he believed that there couldn't be anything wrong with this, with them. JC's friends certainly seemed to approve.

One such friend, later introduced as Chris, had visited the supermarket a couple of weeks before. Justin was infinitely curious and maybe more than a tiny bit jealous of this shortish man with sparkling devilish eyes who immediately attracted JC to his side and reached upwards to plant a quick unapologetic kiss on his cheek. Justin was shelving some cereal (oh look, Lucky Charms, with a Pez dispenser) when he heard JC's bark of a laugh, unrestrained as he rarely was around other people. He couldn't have stopped himself from peeking around the shelves at the pair. JC giddy with laughter was a sight not to be missed, and his mirth was usually contagious.

Justin turned the corner, pushing a cart half-full of cereal boxes, and glanced back over his shoulder. JC had his elbows back on one of the shelves, and Chris stood next to him, trying to look innocent. But as the boy took his time going down the aisle, he caught Chris giving him what could only be called a nasty once-over. Justin was more than game for flattery so he put an extra little swagger into his hips as he pushed the cart. Finally he rounded the corner and peered back at the pair, only to notice Chris whispering something into C's ear, both pairs of eyes still pointed in his direction, that made JC dart out his tongue and moisten his lips. He nodded slowly, but his hand running deliberately through his hair betrayed his thoughts.

Justin was pretty sure he was going to like Chris.

In the comfort of solid arms, Justin relaxed further, his weight pressing gently against the length of JC's torso. "I wasn't sure you were coming," JC said, his breath forming soft clouds in the small space between them."

"Needed to see you."

"Oh you did?" Justin could hear the smirk, but he didn't want to contest this.

"Yeah." Justin sighed with exhausted contentment and nipped at JC's neck to prove his point.

"Mmm. Shhh. " JC pulled away for a moment, looked at Justin's half-shut eyes, and then pulled him close once more. He puts his lips close, close, almost to Justin's earlobe, and began to sing so softly that the air in front of his mouth was not persuaded to condense.

"Lo, how a rose e'er blooming, from tender stem hath sprung-"

"But it's not Christm-," Justin mumbled against skin, and stopped. "That's pretty," he started again, his voice slow and relaxed.

"Of Jesse's lineage coming, as seers of old have sung."

Justin listened, still for once, catching each slide of sound. He softened his breath in response, but as the verse was ending he felt himself start to sing. He couldn't help it, not really, in this hazy dizzy moment next to the garage.

"It came, a floweret bright, amid the cold of winter, when half spent was the night."

Silence, then, "You?" JC pulled back, eyes wide in surprise at the easy way Justin had picked up the harmony.

"Well, I used to-you know. I'm out of practice and all. But, um,"

"But nothing. You're, wow. You are perfect." Justin grinned, JC's enthusiasm infectious. How could he not? Only Britney, inside, alone, kept him from giggling and twirling JC the way he wanted to.

JC was still rambling excitedly about singing and Chris and maybe this year maybe they could if he wanted maybe if it was what they really wanted-Justin shivered and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"You're cold. Come here." JC wrapped the boy up inside his coat. Here, in this place, tonight, things were all right. But Justin felt a hollowness spread below his ribs that he knew couldn't stay there forever.

He tucked his head in the hollow of JC's shoulder and caught a snowflake on his tongue. He shivered again, huddling closer into JC's warmth.