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Gates: 'I Don't Make a Move without Bob'

Microsoft's Bill Gates revealed in a press conference yesterday that his best business decisions came after clandestine meetings with an adviser whose existence has been kept secret until now.

"I would have lost my shirt a dozen times if it weren't for Bob from the VFW Post," Gates said. "Bob is my brain, my conscience, my heart. It's high time the world found out about Bob."

Bob Practicing the Long Jump in 1957
According to Gates, Bob persuaded him to name Microsoft's graphical interface "Windows" rather than "Picture Thingys." Bob also quietly polished Gates' public image by introducing him to the concept of matching socks.

"Chairman Bill is a generous genius," said Bob, heir to the Gate's empire, and now a highly admired asset to the VFW. "We used to get together over a cherry Coke every so often, but I'm no Wizard of Oz to his Tin Man. We just kicked ideas around."

Little is known about Bob's private life. Neighbors say Bob is polite but quiet and keeps the shades drawn day and night.

"I really am just trying to be considerate," Bob said. "I don't think my neighbors want to see me parading around the house in my VFW hat."