My First Time
The sky was dark, The moon was high, All alone, Just her and I, Her hair so soft, Her eyes so blue, I knew just what, She wanted to do, Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine, I ran my fingers, Down her spine, I didn't know how, But I tried my best, To place my hand , On her breasts, I remember my fear, My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread, Her legs apart, And when she did it, I felt no shame, All at once , The white stuff came, At last it's finished, It's all over now, My first time, Milking a cow!
Disney
Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minny asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"
Texans
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe????" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. Back to his friend, he said, "Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works"
The Year's Best Actual Headlines (yes, they are real)
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws Hes Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Southern Baptist
In light of the recent misogynist mumblings from the Southern Baptist Convention, I thought this might amuse. I'm not sure of the original author.
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GADFLY'S ONLINE CHRISTIAN BONDAGE AND DOMINATION STORE
In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination.
1) Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks are clearly emblazoned with Fish symbols on the forehead area.
2) Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.
3) Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: The "cheekless" design allows full access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling position.
4) Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g., thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the damage this causes the family).
5) The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.
6) The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.
7) The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her Master.
8) Riding Crop of the Pharasees: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
9) Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin.