Tuesday 8/26/97
Dear diary. . . It's finally happened. Yup, I knew it would, it's inevitable. The smurfs attacked, those psychotic lil blue things. I'm worried, though I hate to admit it, but I suspect that my best friend is in on it. What do I do?? If i can't turn to Sheri who can I turn to?? I suppose there's only one person.
Kurt. . . but can I?? When I look into those deep blue eyes, my mind goes blank. It's hard to think about anything except running my fingers through his curly blond hair when in his presence. And when he smiles i want to kiss that dimple and let my lips brush his full pink lips. . .
Alas, I don't know how he feels about me. I'll see him tomorrow, he's coming over to help me w/ my VCR.
He's gonna help me figure out how to record, then we'll watch a movie. I don't know how Ill make it through the day w/out throwing myself in his arms. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. . .
Love Star*
Friday 8/29/97
Dear diary. . . I'm so scared. The smurfs are starting off small, and covering their tracks (no pun intended) There are people coming up missing all over the state. They disapearances are mysterious and no one knows what's going on. That is, of course, expect for me and Sheri.
Oh, about Sheri, I was being silly last nyte. Of course she's not w/ them. What would smurfs want with a human?? A crazy one at that. I have, however, come to the conclusion that the smurfs are in league w/ the trolls and the shrinks. The conspirousy is high on so many levels. It's a foolish plan really. To make crazy people rule the world. That is, of course, the only reason I am alive, I beleive. The fact that Im crazy.
I started to tell Kurt todya. I must've tried ten times. But what could I say?? That smurfs aren't really friendly lil blue delicasies for Gargamel, but in reality are lil blue psychotic killers and work w/ trolls and shrinks to take over the world??? He'd have me committed.
Isn't it Ironic?? It doesnt really scare me, that threat. The shrinks will let me go, cuz of course they only commit sane people. It's only logical. If crazy people are to rule then sane people must be put out of the way. In a nice place like a sanitarium. You know if you think about it, the stress of being there just might make them crzy enough to be set free. I think that's what the daily sessions are for.
If not the fear of being committed, why not tell Kurt you ask?? Simple, The thought of seeing that look on his face. You know the one. If I tried to tell him the truth he'd hate me. I can't bare the thought. My heart hurts so much w/ just the possibility that he'd hate me. Besides, his knowing may simply be putting him in danger.
But Sheri's in Chicago, and I need an ally nearby. Oh, what to do, what to do.
Still, I spent time w/ Kurt. He even noticed I was upset. As we watched the movies he asked what was wrong. That's when I first tried to explain. I ended up just shaking my head and settling back in the couch facing the TV. But not until after a few minutes of open mouthed dumbfoundedness. THen her just held me.
What a stupid thought. "I'm watching cartoons and I thought, You cant move a hole in a tree" I've had my share of stupid/odd thoughts today. I had to sneeze and I thought that a guy's face on the verge of an orgasm must be like that of someone who had to sneeze. Like I would know. I think the stress is getting to me. I find myself staring off into space more and more often lately. I find my comfort in the stars. When I space out I think i think about htem. Stars I mean. But I dont know, my mind is so empty. That scares me a lil. What if one day I never come back to reality. There's no one to come to unreality and drag me out.
I suppose I should get some sleep. I'm so. . . very. . . .tired.
Love Star*
Saturday 8/30/97
Dear diary. . .I didnt see Kurt today. If I want to see him a lot all of a sudden he might get suspicious. Although, I must say, I always had a desire to see him a lot. I just never had the guts to ask.
However, it's not courage that modivates me now. On the contrary, its a drive much more primal than that. . . its fear.
But still. . I just resist temptation to pick up the phone. And as I deal with my own inner toils people are dying. More every day. *sigh* And there's nothing I can do about it.
If I thought for a second that there was anything I could do. If even there was a chance that w/ Kurt's help I could prevail. . I would gladly risk the humiliation. But alas, I can think of not.
I've come to a decision. I must avoid Kurt, though it pains me to do so. I want to keep him out of harms way and I am danger personified. I must give him the cold shoulder. It will hurt him, but I must for his own good. Well I must go now.
Love Star*
Sunday 8/31/97
Dear diary. . .I did it. It didnt kill me, but it sure did hurt enough. Kurt called to see if I wanted to do something. I said "not with you." He was so confused he wanted to know if he did something to upset me. I said "Other than being born?? No."
He tried to be nonchalant, but I could tell he was hurt. But how hurt could he really be?? He barely knew me, let alone be to fond of me. I'm the one whos really hurting. I really like him. oh well, its all for the best. I want to keep him safe.
I think I was pretty convincing, however, when I slammed the phone on its hook during his baffled utterances. It was to prevent him from discorning my sobs rather than for effect.
I wonder if he'll call me again tommorrow. I hope not. Yet a part of me is screaming for him to call. My heart is torn. At least I know which path to take. I just hope I dont veer off track.
Love Star*
Wednesday 9/2/97
Dear diary. . .Yesterday was the first day of school. Just my luck too, Kurt is in most of my classes. How am I supposed to handle this?? I have to see him every day and pretend I hate him. I cant do that.
He didn't say anything to me yesterdaym but I caught a few worried glances I was obviously noy meant to see. *sigh* I haven't gotton much sleep lately. And that mixed w/ the red puffiness around my eyes from crying makes me a sad sight indeed. I hide the physical signs w/ make-up, and w/ that fake smile I have plastered to my face no one but my dearest friends could tell that anything was wrong. And since I have no dear friends I figured my secret was safe. Then what was my supposed enemy so concerned about?? I'm pretty sure he suspects I'm lying but he won't bring it up cuz he can't think of any reason why I'd lie about anything like that. Poor guy, he must be so confused. I hope he stays that way. Not to be mean, but simply cuz when his confussion clears it'll mean he's figured it out.
I hope he can't think of any reason I'd lie about hating him. If he confronts me I'll prolly break down and cry. That wouldnt help my facade of hate much, now would it??
*sigh* He's in my next class. Keep your fingers crossed, and her's hoping. I hope I dont have to go through w/ this stress everyday. Maybe he'll forget that we were ever friends and just stop caring. .
Love Star*
Later Same Day
Dear diary. . . No such luck. Again the worried glances. But he didnt try to hide it this time. In fact for a time he out right stared at me, not so much as blinking when a few of his dusty blond curls fell in his questioning eyes.
Even now I feel Kurt's eyes on my face. I dare not look his way, but its so hard not to. I think I love him.
Oh no, my false smile is faltering. I feel tears brimming in my eyes. Not here, not now. I can't cry in class, not w/ Kurt watching. So perceptive he is. *sigh* I better stop writing, the teacher is walking this way.
Love Star*
Friday 9/5/97
Dear diary. . .My stress is building. I can't take it anymore. Today at lunch I wanted so badly to be alone, but we have closed campus, and there really is no place you can go to be alone. So I did the next best thing. Our lockers at school are rather big, and I'm reasonably small.
I climbed into my locker and sank o the bottom. I've done it before, and shoujld not have been surprised when the tears started flowing uncontrollably. This is a place of sorrow, the place where I always go to deal w/ life. I think I got there TO cry. A place to let go w/out fear of people seeing how weak I really am.
I would have been perfectly content to wallow in my own self pity, except I heard footsteps. I tried to stifle my sobs and sit perfectly still. Through the vents I heard a loud sigh. Then the rustling of a locker opening. It was the locker next to mine. "who's locker is next to mine??" I thought. My books are spread out all over the school in various friend's lockers. I hardly ever used this one except to cry in.
When the locker slammed I heard another sigh. This one longer than the last. Then woever it was leaned against my locker (Mine!!) And I saw long blond curls through the vents. he slumped down to the floor in much the same way I had moments before, w/ another sigh. Then he did something that startled me. He said my name. "Star, oh, Star. I wish you would tell me what was wrong." It was Kurt. With a waver in his voice (he sounded close to tears) after banging his head back on the locker he said, "I miss you"
Well that got me started again. It was so sad. I can't believe how sweet he is. Luckily I managed to hold back the sobs, but the tears could not be stopped. So there I was crying silently in my locker. My hand touching the door longingly. I prayed Kurt couldn't hear me, but at the same time, I wished he could feel the warmth of my hand and take the comfort meant for him.
We sat like that, in silence, for the majority of the lunch hour. He did not speak again. Thats when the trouble started. Nothing much really, for the average everyday teenager. But in my situation it was hell. I started to get a cramp in my leg. I had to move (preferably out of the locker, but that was impossible), but if I did he might hear me. So I sat still praying the bell would ring or at least that Kurt would leave on his own. Not very likely. Kurt kept his vigil, and I couldnt remail still any longer, I had to chance moving.
Ever so carefully I lifted my leg and shifted position. When I was almost comfortable the cramp suddenly increased. I stiffled a cry (which, to my horror, still came out as a quiet whimper) and dropped my leg, which mad a soft thud on the locker wall. I stiffened and waited. There came a slight shift on the other side. Kurt moved, but did he hear. Im still not sure. Eventually the bell rang and I was free.
Love Star*
Wednesday 9/10/97
Dear diary. . .Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been so busy. Not so much physically as emotionally. I can't help but to feel sad, depressed, and that full fledged terror, but I must always wear a smile and act happy. I'm so drained. . . so tired. I sleep a lot now. In fact whenever im not at school or work Im sleeping. I do all my homework at school. If I dont get it done in class I do it at lunch or during my PA's it's a good thing I'm a senior this year.
I find my concentration drifting a lot and not to anything imparticular. I feel so empty. Bell rang. I'll finish later. . . love Star*
Things were going fine w/ Kurt. He was still giving me those looks, but at least he kept his distance. . . that was . . until Friday.
Friday after school while I was going to my jeep I saw a group of people gathered around something. I'm not stupid, so I can deduce that there was a fight. By now I was so empty, I really couln't feel anything, so I didn't care and kept going. Usually I would have gone to investigate and break up the fiht. But I didn't care anymore. I was beyond curiosity. I would have gotten in my jeep and gone on home to sleep like nothing happened if I hadn't heard a name. "kurt!!" My ears were not decieving me. Someone had distinctly said 'Kurt' As I strained my ears I heard calls of "Go on Kurt. . hit him." And "come on Kurt, we're betting on you."
Now I know that Kurt, like me, is a pacifist. So I wasn't worried about him getting in a fight, but I must admit I was a bit curious to know what even got him in the situation. Everyone likes Kurt. And in my state of being even that lil bit of curiousity was surprising enough to make me wander over and take a look.
When I got there I saw a very angry looking Brutus, the town asshole, and a rather exassperated Kurt. He was obviously trying to stay out of a fight. But then. . . people backed up to let me in. Even in my state of affairs I still had some persuasive powers. The dueling boys looked over to see who was coming through. Kurt seemed a bit surprised to see me standing there. But then he got the strangest look in his eyes. I saw this cuz he was staring straight at me. Brutus wsaid something I didn't hear, and to my horror Kurt turned and punched him, hard. Brutus went down, but I knew he wasnt gonna stay down for long. I couldn't believe Kurt hit him. Kurt is stronger and smarter than Brutus, so I was sure Kurt wouldn't get hurt to bad. But when Brutus hit Kurt he went down. the punch was graceless and had only brute force. Kurt should have been able to avoid that punch. But he didn't. In fact he took all the force behind it. Almost as if he stepped into it. I was horrfied. For a second I stared w/ my mouth hanging open.
Then in a rus (I couldn't belive what I was doing) I leaped forward and hit Brutus square in the face. He went down hard. Then all of a sudden I was by Kurt's side. He was still sprawled out on the ground where he landed. Brutus hurried away, embarresed that a girl took him down. The group followed him away, making jokes at his expense. Kurt and I were left alone. I sat there and held his head in my lap.
When he came to he looked up at me, his beautiful deep blue eyes shimmering with tears. I know Kurt's not afraid to cry. At least not in front of me. "Are you OK??" I asked. He smiled up at me, a knowing smile. He parted his lips, hesitated, then, still smiling, said, "I thought you hated me?? What do you care??" I stood up in anger, dropping his head in the process. "Ow!!" he said rubbing his head. "Ooh, you did that on purpose dint you??" I shook my finger at hi, hands balled into fist. "That's why it looked like you walked into that puch. cuz you did!!" I frantically put my hands to my head hitting myself in the process, then brushed my hair back. "Why?"
He smiled, that funny lil smile of his. "Cuz, I. . I" Then he broke off. A word formed in my mind. . love. But, that was my overactive imagination. . wanst it? I've been able to collect detached thoughts from some people. But he wouldn't have said that. After a long pause he finished "Cuz I care about you." A pause to smile. "Of course" His smile faltered when I didnt smile back. "Dont you care about me??" That's when I broke down and cried. it was all to much. Kurt was suspended for a few days. Thank goodness for small favors. I don't know what I'll say when I see him again. SOme how my involvment in this whole mess was not brought up. Im afraid to see him tommorrow. What will I say???
They visit me now. Talk to me and not just in my sleep anymore. But I hear them in my head not in my ears. That scares me. What if they talk to me at school?? No one else will hear them. GOt to sleep now.
Love Star*
Thursday 9/11/97
Dear diary. . . Kurt came back today. We couldn't really talk in class. Thank goodness. However, he made me promise to give him a ride home. He threatened to take my diary. He was grounded to the bus for a while and grounded from the phone. That's why he didn't call me. He said he protested and even tried to sneak me a call anyways.
Oh waht do I do?? What am I supposed to say to him. I guess I'll have to wing it, talk to you later.
Love Star*
Saturday 9/13/97
Dear diary. . .I took Kurt home yesterday. He wanted me to tell him what was going on w/ me.
I told him that I didn't hate him. I kind of had to it was hard to lie about that. Especially since I broke down crying and hugged him when he brought it up.
I didn't tell him anything else though. The ride to his house was thankfully short. I don't think he'll let me slide for very long. I'm gonna have to tell him something sometime. Maybe I can get away by sticking to half=truths. Well, I guess Ill find out.
Love Star*
Tuesday 9/16/97
Dear diary. . .Kurt wouldn't let me get away with just telling him I dont hate him. He actually snook out of the house to come over to my house and talk to me.
I kept to my resolve, I only gave him half-truths. how could I deny him even that. It started when he asked me where my parents were. I started with a sigh. "My parents are no longer here." He looked at me skeptically. "What do you mean??" I kept looking out the window. "I mean. . they're. not here." He touched my shoulder, which startled me, I didn't hear him move. Finally I turned to look at him. I gazed in his eyes awhile then looked down. It's hard for me to speak those words, it's hrd for me to even write them. The stains on this paper are my tears. I'm sorry, I can't help but to cry. "I. . I said, the're gone. I dont know if they're dead. But I dont think they're coming back, at least not any time soon." He lifted my chin. "What happened??" this time I didnt't avert my eyes. "They were taken." Kurt closed his eyes a moment. "By who??" Now i looked away I couldnt lie to him while looking him in the eyes. "I dont know. I wasnt' here when it happened." Kurt wiped away one of my tears. "Did you call the police??" I looked backagain, cuz this was the truth, and his apperance reassured me. "I can't." He grabbed my shoulders "why not?? You have to call them right now." He moved for the phone, but I grabbed his hand. "No, I can't, dont you see?? If they're not already dead, if I call the police they will be. Besides, I don't think the police can help much. I just. . I can't." I started to sob on these last two words. He seemed to understand and wrapped his arms around me in an embrace. I held fast to him and let the tears flow freely. I was a lil embarressed, but not too mush, Kurt understood. he was there holding me comforting me, and thats all I needed to know.
Today in school when Kurt gave me a concerned look, it was a knowing look. I gave him a reassuring smile and he returned the smile then faced forward.
I was lucky that he believed what I said. Still I dont think he'll let me get away w/ it. One day he'll ask for more information. Oh well, when that day comes, I'll deal with it. Gotta sleep now.
Love Star*
monday 9/22/97
Dear diary. . .Sorry I haven't written lately, I just can't. . collect my thoughts long enough. . can't think. . what.
I've been having nightmares. I think that i that they'r giving them to me. Messing w/ my mind. Altering my thought message sending thing. . process.
I don't . . I dont. . I cant. Ugg. I cant think. How can I how am I supposed to what?? I can't remember. There was somthing I was was supposed to. So important, but I cant remember.
I read back in my own journal entry this one. And I don't. . Who are THEY?
Kurt comes over a lot. Sometimes we talk. . mostly he just holds me. I ask him why. I get confused. He doesn't understand.
God, whats wrong with the things I write. Its crazy talk. I should be commited. I want to see a counselor. Not the stupid ones at the school. I mean a real shrink. But something stips me every time I start to tell someone. Sometimes I'm just so sure, but at those times my minds so muttled. I can think straight now. But these clear spells are few and far apart. Even now I feel the confusion tugging at the corners of my mind. I think, in fact, that it is alwasy there. Just at times to some lesser extent.
They say the only crazy people are the ones taht are sure of their sanity. I'm not sure weather that helps my case or hurts it. Shit, im not even sure what my case is.
It hurts to think, all I ever want to do anymore is sleep.
Kurt is getting curious, he keeps asking questions. I just tell him to go home cuz I'm tired. He's dubious, I can tell, I still get looks at school, but this time I feel better for them. Or something. I can't think anymore. I have to sleep.
Love Star*