NAME: OK, BORING STUFF FIRST, HUH? WELL, LAST TIME SOMEONE TALKED TO ME THEY CALLED ME SUZIE, SO I SUPPOSE THAT MUST BE IT.

  AGE: CONFIDENTIAL. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH, ASK ME… BUT IF I DON'T KNOW YOU, I WONT TELL YOU. I'M GETTING PROTECTIVE OF MY AGE (BY THE WAY, JUST BECAUSE I WONT GIVE MY AGE IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M OVER 80.)!

 OCCUPATION: NOW IF I TOLD YOU THAT, I COULD GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE! IT'S TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT INFORMATION… I'VE SAID TOO MUCH! IN MY SPARE TIME I'M ALSO A BODYGAURD AND A SUPPLYER OF "STUFF". ERR… SUPPLYER OF MIDI'S ACTUALLY. PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME TO GO LOOKING FOR A CERTAIN ONE. I ENJOY A CHALLENGE! GIVE ME A QUEST!

 LOCATION: THE ICEY REGIONS OF NORTH EAST ENGLAND, WHERE WE'RE ALL COLD AND DEPRIVED! IF YOU WANT TO DONATE SOME MONEY TO ME… ERR… THE REGISTERED CHARITY 'SSTC' (SEND SUZIE TO CALIFORNIA) FUND, THEN PLEASE DO SO, AND I'LL BE FOREVER GREATFUL!

 NICK NAMES: SUZIE THE GREAT ONE, GOD, SATAN, DEVIL WORSHIPPER, MOOSE (THAT'S AND OLD ONE!), THE BIGGEST GOOK (THANKS TO GIMMON FOR THAT!), LAZY, FREE LOADER, MONKEY PERSON, MONKEY KILLER, DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL, HIPPY (DAMN THOSE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES!), C**** S** (IF YOU WANT TO KNOW, ASK CLAIRE, BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER GET THAT ONE OUT OF ME!), ALCOHOLIC (I AM SO NOT!), STUPID, LITTLE ________ ß (FILL THAT IN WITH WHAT YOU WANT! IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.), GRAMMAR/SPELL CHECKER, THE STEALER OF SOCKS/ SHIRTS/ SOULS/ MIDI'S/ MP3'S/ ANYTHING LEFT NOT NAILED DOWN, AND A LOT OF OTHER COOL STUFF… IF YOU JUST WANT TO CALL ME SUZIE I'LL UNDERSTAND!

 DESCRIPTION: WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SCARE ANYONE, SO I'LL KEEP IT BASIC. LONG BLONDE HAIR, BLUE/ GREEN/GREY/AMBER EYES (CHANGE COLOUR WITH THE WEATHER), STONED EXPRESSION, SHORT (DON'T ASK ME HOW SHORT, OR I'LL BE TEMPTED TO HURT YOU). I DO HAVE A PICTURE, BUT IT'S FOR MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE/ PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ON THE WAITING LIST FOR 6 MONTHS OR MORE ONLY, SO IF YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ASKING FOR IT.

  PETS: I AM THE PROUD OWNER OF THE WORLDS COOLEST LIVING RAT! HIS NAME'S CLOUD, AND HE'S GOT EYES AND EARS! HERE'S THE STORY… I GOT TWO YOUNG FEMALE RATS AFTER THE TRAGIC DEATH OF MY OLD RAT MAZDA, A FEW WEEKS LATER, BOTH OF THEM HAD A LITTER OF BABIES! WELL, CLOUD WAS ONE OF THOSE BABIES, AND HE'S LIVED HERE EVER SINCE!

 SIBLINGS: LITTLE GIM! ERR… GRAHAM… OR GIMMON TO HIS FRIENDS (SO HE GETS GRAHAM ALL THE TIME!). HE'S MY ONE AND ONLY SIBLING, HE KEEPS TAKING MY MONEY OUT ON A PERMENANT LOAN (AM I EVER GOING TO GET THAT £10 BACK?), HE WORKS IN A BAR, COMES HOME EVERY WEEKEND NIGHT SMELLING OF BEER AND 'STUFF'. HE WOULD HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY ME BACK IF HE DIDN'T KEEP SPENDING IT ON McDONALDS! AWW, I LOVE HIM REALLY! (?)

 HOBBIES/ PASSTIMES: WELL, THE MOST OBVIOUS ONE IS MESSING ROUND ON-LINE, EITHER CHATTING WITH A LOT OF WEIRD PEOPLE, OR SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKED. I ALSO ENJOY PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES, MELTING PEOPLE, DRINKING… COKE, HELPING PEOPLE WHO NEED IT (BUT I USUALY END UP MAKING THINGS WORSE), SLAUGHTERING SMALL CHILDREN FOR MY OWN SADISTIC PLEASURES, TAKING ADVICE FROM THE MONKEYS IN MY HEAD *~LISTENS TO THE MONKEYS~*… WHAT? WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO THAT. WHO WOULD CLEAN UP THE MESS? ANNOYING PEOPLE (I'M VERY GOOD AT THAT!), ARGUING WITH PEOPLE (I ONLY KEEP UP AND ARGUMENT WHEN I KNOW I'M RIGHT, SO DON'T EVEN START!), SHOUTING "1-0" TO VARIOUS LEICIESTER FANS (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!), WATCHING TV, CONTEMPLATING MY DESTINY, CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE, BEING DEPRESSED, COMPLAINING, KILLING STUFF… HMM… OK, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW. WAKE UP!

 AMBITIONS: I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ANY FURTHER AHEAD THAN AN HOUR. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING TO WRECK YOUR PLANS AND YOUR LIFE… IT HAPPENS TO THE NICEST PEOPLE FOR THE STUPIDEST REASONS, AND SOMETIMES THINGS CAN'T BE PUT RIGHT.

 WHAT ANNOYS ME: PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FOLLOW A JOKE OR A SIMPLE CONVERSATION… LIKE A TYPICAL INTERNET CHAT:

<STRANGE PERSON> HI, WHAT'S UP?

<SUZIE> THE COST OF ALCOHOL.

<STRANGE PERSON> WHAT?

DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE? SURELY THERE MUST BE SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO'S MORE INTELLIGENT THAN ME… I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THAT PERSON! I'M ALSO ANNOYED BY PEOPLE WHO CONSTANTLY REPEAT THEIRSELVES. OK, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! AND PEOPLE WHO START A CONVERSATION WITH "SUP"… IS THAT A QUESTION OR A STATEMENT? THE CONCISE ENGLISH DICTIONARY STATES "SUP: TO TAKE IN SUCSESSIVE SIPS OR SPOONFULLS." NOW WHY DO I GET THE FEELING PEOPLE JUST DON'T WANT TO CHAT TO ME ABOUT EATING SOUP? AND ON-LINE, YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR A FULL ROOM A/S/L CHECK… THEN 2 SECONDS AFTER YOU'VE SENT YOURS, SOMEONE SENDS A PRIVATE MESSAGE "HI, A/S/L?" … AMERICAN SPELLINGS ANNOY ME! YOU SPELL IT COLOUR! AND HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU BE REMINDED OF THIS? I COULD MAKE A HUGE LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME, BUT I WONT. HMM… I BETTER NOT PUT ANYTHING ELSE DOWN HERE, OR YOU KIDS ARE GONNA HAVE A FIELD DAY OF ANNOYING ME!

 FAVOURITE QUOTES: "GET OUT THE WAY, I'M GONNA KILL YA!" - "HAVE YOU SEEN MY MONKEYS?" - "DO YOU MEAN THAT? OR WAS IT JUST ANOTHER PLAN TO MAKE ME WANT TO HURT YOU?" - "I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!" - "WELL, THANKS… I THINK." - "DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM READING THE TEXT?" - "WHY'S EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME?" - "I'M SENSITIVE!" - "THAT’S CONFIDENTIAL." - "WHY'S THAT SO IMPORTANT TO YOU?" - "HEY, IT'S GOT EYES AND EARS! IT'S SO CUTE!" - "I'M SO DEPRIVED!" - "HAVE A NICE DAY!" - "LEAVE ME ALONE!" - "HMM…" - "GRR…" - "RAA!!!!".

 HMM…: WELL, OF COURSE! <TRANSLATION> I'M OUT OF STUFF TO PUT HERE!