Ok I've done it, I couldn't put up without it annnnyy longer, ok guys some of these jokes may be a liill sick so if you arnt laughing leave :) And if you have any good jokes, send em in!
An elderly couple was traveling across country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.... Patrolman: "Mam...you were speeding." Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!" Patrolman: "May I see your license please." Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!" Old woman hands patrolman her license. Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had some of the worst sex I've ever had with several women there." Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other.....
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Two nerds were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said , "It was free." The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other nerd said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway"
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
The world is full of idiots......
-------- Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient you card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that i had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
A blond got sick of everyone at work teasing her about her hair so during the weekend she dyed it black. On her trip into work on Monday she got stoped by a mob of sheep moving down the road frustrated and bored she sat there and counted them all. When she finally got up to the farmer she stopped and said "Hey if I can tell you exactly how many sheep there is in your mob can I have one?" the farmer hmmed n agreed. "156" the blond said quite pleased with herself "my god..your right..sure you can have a sheep said the farmer" so out the blond got and got one putting and put it in the back of her car, the farmer quite amused said "Hey lady...if I can tel you what colour your hair was yesterday..can i have my dog back?"
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?." "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject : politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!"
the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."
Q - What do lesbians do when they have their periods?
A - Fingerpaint.