COURT (Camera fades in and shows a court room. There are many people talking quietly and sitting down. D.A. [Mr. Hemming] walks in and sits down opens manila folder [or briefcase] starts shifting through papers. Defense lawyer (Mr. Jenkings) is talking to his client (Ernie Bennat). Bailiff: (Walks in front of court room.) "Please all rise for the honorable Judge Tart." (Everybody rises.) (Enters Judge Tart who is a senile old fool.) Tart: (In grumbly voice. Points finger at Ernie.) "Shall this fellow live?" Bailiff: (Whispers into Tartıs ear.) Tart: (Rather loud.) "And does not Toby take you a blow oı the lips then." Bailiff: (Whispers into Tartıs ear again.) Tart: "What, what?" Bailiff: (Whispers into Tartıs ear again.) Tart: "Out scab!" Bailiff: (Whispers into Tartıs ear again.) Tart: (Look of surprise.) "Oh yes, the trial is today, isnıt it? On with it then, on with it." (Starts to walk away. Trips over step and falls.) (Everybody tries to stifle their laughter with little success.) Tart: (Still on the floor.) "Nobody worry about me, Iım OK!" (Tries to get up unsuccessfuly.) "Bailiff help me up you worthless piece of rot!" Bailiff: (Helps Tart up and dust him off.) Tart: "Thank you, thank you." (Sneezes uncontrolably about 10 times.) Everybody: "Gahzoontite!" (Hold up tissues.) Tart: (Waves off tissues and sits down.) "Mr. Bennat how do you plead in todayıs hearings?" Ernie: (In whiny begging voice.) "Please donıt kill me." (Starts weeping then wailing.) Jenkins: (Slaps Ernie in the back of the head.) "Shut up, moron." Tart: "Thank you Mr. Jenkins." (Looks to Ernie.) "Again Mr. Bennat how do you plead?" Ernie: "Could you call me Ernie? It sounds so much better than (sarcastically) Mr. Bennat." Tart: (Angrily.) "Answer the question do you plead guilty or innocent?!" Ernie: "Could you repeat that?" Tart: (Extremely angry.) "Are you guilty or innocent?!!!" Ernie: "Guilty." Jenkins: (Sharp glance at Ernie.) Ernie: (Quickly.) "Innocent." (Pulls at collar of shirt and forces an unsteady laugh.) Tart: (Relieved.) "Thank you Mr. Bennat. We can now..." Ernie: "Ernie." Tart: "go onto--what?!" Ernie: "Call me Ernie." Tart: (Angry again.) "Fine Ernie. We can now go onto the opening statements. Mr. Hemming?" Hemming: (Stands up.) "Thank you your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I do not need a long and boring opening statement. Just look at this man. Heıs a complete wack-o. Of course he did it! Thank you." Tart: (Falling asleep. Then sudden alertness.) "Thank you Mr. Hemming. Mr. Jenkins, your opening statement?" Jenkins: "Thank you your honor." (Stands up and faces the jury.) "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury there is no possible way that Mr. Ernest Bennat could of committed this crime. He is a normal man that would not hurt a soul. He asks you folks that you see the truth behind this terrible lie. Thank you." (Goes to sit down.) Hemming: (While Jenkins is passing by.) "Give up Jenkins. Of course he did it, just look at him." (Camera focuses on Ernie who is scribbling with crayons on a piece of paper and talking to himself.) Jenkins: "He didnıt do a thing." Hemming: "Did too." Jenkins: "Did not." (This continues for a little while until the 2 lawyers take off their sport jackets and loosen thier ties getting ready for a fight.) Everybody except Tart: "Fight, fight, fight, fight..." Tart: (Banging gavel.) "Order in the court. Order in the court! Shut up!" (Everybody quiets down with eerie silence.) Tart: (Angrily.) "Mr. Hemming, Mr. Jenkins approach the bench." Jenkins + Hemming: "Yes your honor." (Go to bench.) Tart: (Leans in.) "Listen you 2. You are 2 grown men and should act like it. I want you 2 to apologize right this second. Jenkins + Hemming: (Mumbling sorrys are exchanged. With the occasional exchange of dork, geek, and loser.) Tart: "Thatıs better, letıs get this show on the road. Mr. Hemming, your witness?" Hemming: "Thank you your honor. I call Mr. Robert Stein to the witness stand." Stein: (Stands up and walks over to the Bailiff.) Bailiff: (Holding bible.) "Place your right hand on the bible." Stein: (Place left hand on bible.) Hemming: "Your other right hand Mr. Stein." Stein: (Does as told.) Bailiff: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help you God?" Stein: "Ayuh." Bailiff: "Sit your groovy ass down Mr. Stein." Stein: (Does as told.) Hemming: (Walks over to Stein.) "Mr. Stein, where were you on the night of March 14th?" Stein: "Well I was out walkinı my dog. When I heard three loud shots. I then saw a man running from where I heard the shots cominı from." Hemming: "Mr. Stein. Could you point that man out today in this court room?" Stein: "Ayuh. Heıs right there." (Points to Jenkins.) Hemming: (With a nervous laugh.) "Thatıs the defense lawyer." Stein: "Oh, ayuh. I meant right there." (Points to a jurer.) Hemming: "Mr. Stein. Thatıs a jurer. Try again." Jenkins: "Objection your honor." Tart: "Go ahead, point him out." Stein: "Right there." (Points to judge Tart.) (Everybody gasps.) Tart: "Mr. Hemming, control your witness." Hemming: (Grabs Steinıs arm and points it at Ernie. Screaming) "Is this the man you saw? Is it?" Jenkins: (Standing up.) "Objection! Your honor, he is putting words into the witnesses mouth!" Tart: "Sustained. Mr. Hemming stop putting words into the witnesses mouth." Hemming: "No further questions your honor." (Slaps Stein in the head.) "Idiot." Stein: "Whereıs my 500 bucks?" Hemming: (Shocked.) "Wh-wh-what are y-y-you t-talking about?" Stein: I did what you told me. Now give me my money." Hemming: "Shut up you fool." (Walks over to Stein. Slides money into his pocket.) Tart: "Mr. Jenkins your witness?" Jenkins: "I have no questions your honor." Tart: "Mr. Hemming, do you have any more witnesses?" Hemming: "Yes I do your honor. Itıs Mr. (or miss) Atropos." (A surprise witness!) (Everybody gasps.) Tart: (Hammering gavel.) "Order! Order in the court!" (Everyone quiets down.) Hemming: "Mr. Atropos can you please step down to the witness stand?" Atropos: (Stands up and walks over to the Bailiff.) Bailiff: (Holds up bible.) "Put your right hand on the bible." Atropos: (Does as told.) Bailiff: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" Atropos: (Nods.) Tart: "Please take the stand Mr. Atropos." Atropos: (Does as told.) Hemming: (Stands up + walks over to Atropos and turns to face the jury.) "Now I would like to remind everyone that Mr. Atropos is a mute. That means he canıt talk! (To Atropos.) "Mr. Atropos, were you present at the crime scene on March 14th?" Atropos: (Nods.) Hemming: "Good, good. Do you see the person who commited the crime today in this court room?" Atropos: (Nods.) Hemming: "Could you point that person out to us today?" Atropos: (Points to Ernie.) (Everyone gasps then quiet downs.) Hemming: "I have no further questions your honor." (Sits down.) Tart: "Mr. Jenkins your witness." Jenkins: (Stands up walks over to witness stand.) "Mr. Atropos, if that infact is your real name..." Hemming: "Objection your honor!" Tart: "Overruled. Continue counsler." Jenkins: "Mr. Atropos where were you on the night of March 14th?" Atropos: (Pulls out pocket calender. Looks up.) "New York." (Everybody gasps.) Hemming: (Mumbling.) "Idiot." Tart: "Mr. Atropos, it was clearly stated that you were a mute and couldnıt talk." Atropos: "I canıt." Hemming: (Slaps his foreheand and puts head down and starts to weep.) Tart: (Clearly distressed.) "But Mr. Atropos. We are communicating." Atropos: "No weıre not." Tart: "Bailiff please escort this twit off the premesis." Bailiff: (Does as told until he gets to Hemmings table.) Atropos: "Hey Hemming whereıs my 500 bucks?" Hemming: "Oh my god..." Bailiff: (Shoving Atropos.) "Cımon stupid, letıs go." Atropos: (Screaming about his money as him and Bailiff leave." Bailiff: (returns shortly.) Tart: "Mr. Hemming I do not want any more false witness from here on out!" Hemming: (With severe distress.) "But I have five more witnesses!" Tart: "Mr. Hemming, did you pay these witnesses to testify?" Hemming: (Mumbles answer.) Tart: (Puts hand to ear.) "Excuse me Mr. Hemming?" Hemming: (Whispering.) "Yes." (Louder.) "Yes." Tart: "Now Mr. Hemming if you donıt have any real witnesses-" Hemming: (Standing up.) But I do have a witness." Tart: "And did you pay this witness to testify?" Hemming: "Yes. No. Of course I didnıt!" Tart: "Then Mr. Hemming call your witness down to the stand to testify." Hemming: "I call Mr. Harper, who was there at the murder scene and saw first hand of what happened!" (Harper can be a misses.) (Everyone gasps.) Harper: (Gets up and walks over to bailiff.) Bailiff: "Place your right hand on the bible." Harper: (Does as told.) Bailiff: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?" Harper: "I most certainly do." (Takes a seat at the witness stand.) Hemming: (Stands up and walks over to witness stand.) "Mr. Harper were you present at the crime scene on the night of March 14th?" Harper: "Yes. Yes I was." Hemming: "Did you see the murders committed Mr. Harper?" Harper: "Yes. Yes I did." Hemming: "Did you see who it was that committed the murders in this courtroom today Mr. Harper?" Harper: "Yes. Yes I do." Hemming: "Now Mr. Harper, this is extremely important, can you point that man out today?" Harper: "Yes. Yes I-" (screams and puts hands up to eyes and falls out of the witness stand.) "Iım blind, Iım blind! Someone help me!" Hemming: "Mr. Harper! Can you point out the person you saw committ the murders in todayıs courtroom?" Harper: (Continues to scream that heıs blind, clutches his chest and falls dead of a heart attack.) Hemming: "Nooooooooooo!" Tart: "Bailiff, can you please call the doctor?" Bailiff: (Leaves room to make a telephone call. Returns shortly later. Followed by a doctor who drags the corpse of Harper out of the room.) Tart: (Wiping his brow.) "Mr. Hemming do you have any further witnesses?" Hemming: (Slamming his fist on the table.) "No I donıt, your honor." Tart: (Looking towards Jenkins.) "Mr. Jenkins, you may call you first witness." Jenkins: "Thank you, your honor. The first witness I would like to call to the stand is Mr. Sherbert." Sherbert: (Gets up and walks past balif and sits down in witness stand.) Bailiff: (Walks over to Sherbert.) "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?" Sherbert: (Jumping up and down in chair.) "You bet I do!" (Laughs.) Jenkins: (Stands up and walks over to Sherbert.) "Mr. Sherbert were you with Mr. Bennat..." Ernie: "Ernie." Jenkins: "Fine, were you with Ernie on the night of the murders?" Sherbert: "Sure was skippo. We sliced em-" Jenkins: "Uh huh, so you know in fact that he didnıt commit the murders?" Hemming: "Objection your honor, heıs leading the witness on." Tart: "Sustained. Mr. Jenkins stop leading the witness on." Sherbert: "But I kind of like it." Jenkins: "Mr. Sherbert, where were you on the night of the murders?" Sherbert: "I was with Ernie." (Looks towards Ernie stands up points and gives thumbs up.) "Me and you buddy! Me and you!" Tart: "Mr. Sherbert can you please take your seat." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -[note from Pat: i have no clue what was here! Something about poop. Bj? Kevin? Anyone?]- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tart: (Laughs.) "He said poop, that line is cause for newtons." (Puts them on table.) Sherbert: "Fruit and cake, fruit and cake." Jenkins: "Where were you and Ernie on the night of the murders Mr. Sherbert?" Sherbert: "Uh." (Look of confusion.) "I have no idea-no wait-I do not know. Sorry." (Shugs and laughs.) Jenkins: "Were you two committing a murder on the night of March 14th." Sherbert: "I wasnıt but maybe Ernie..." Jenkins: "I have no further questions. Sits down." Tart: "Mr. Hemming your witness." Hemming: "Thank you, your honor. (Stands up.) "Mr. Sherbert. Were you or were you not with Mr. Benn... Ernie on the night of the murders?" Sherbert: "I...I was not." Hemming: "Are you sure." Sherber: (Shakes his head up and down.) "MMMM HMMM MMMM HMMMM." Hemming: "So you have no idea if ...Ernie committed these murders or not?" Sherbert: "Oh, Iım pretty sure he did. MMMMM HMMMMM MMMM HMMM." (This statement cause much talk in court room.) Tart: "Order, Order in the court!" Hemming: (Turns away from witness stand.) "I have no further questions you honor." Tart: "Mr. Sherbert, you may step down from the witness stand." Sherbert: (Pulling out a shiek.) "Thank you. Thank you Mr. Shiek! I can always count on you!" (Hands shiek to Tart and starts to bow.) Tart: "Mr. Sherbert you can step down from the witness stand now." Sherbert: Stepping down from witness stand raising arms in happiness. Thank you. Thank you Mr. Shiek. Sits down in back of room. Tart: (With Shiek still in hand, tucks into his pocket.) Jenkins: "I would like to reserve the right to cross examine this witness, your honor." Tart: "Granted. Do you have any more witnesses Mr. Jenkins?" Jenkins: "I would like to call Mr. Ernie Bennat to the witness stand." Ernie: (Gets up and walks to Bailiff.) Bailiff: "Place your right hand on the bible." Ernie: (reluctantly does as told.) Bailiff: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" Ernie: (Nods nervously.) "Yes." Bailiff: "Please take the witness stand." Ernie: (Nervously does as told.) Jenkins: (Stands up and walks over to the witness stand.) "Ernie. Ernie...Ernie... Ernie." (Turns around slowly. Turns back around fast.) "Did you kill those people?" Ernie: "No! No! Nononononononooooo! I didnıt do anything!" Jenkins: (Puts hand on Ernieıs shoulder.) "Thatıs what I thought...I have no further questions your honor." (Sits down.) Tart: "Mr Hemming, your witness." Hemming: "Thank you your honor." (Walks over to witness stand with documetns in his hand.) "Ernie, if I understand correctly you have a vast history of mental health?" Ernie: (After a pause.) "Maybe." Hemming: "Ernie, do you or do you not have a history of mental health?" Ernie: "Yes." Hemming: "Is it true Ernie that in 1987 you tried to take over the world with a pillow case?" Ernie: "Yes. But at the time it seemed justifiable." Hemming: "Ernie, have you ever in your entire existance killed anything?" Ernie: "Yes, who hasnıt. Countless insects, parasites, etc." Hemming: "Would you call yourself...oh I donıt know...insane?" Ernie: "Well..." Hemming: "How about crazy, would you call yourself crazy?" Ernie: "I wouldnıt go that far..." Hemming: "You know what I would call you..." (screaming.) "A complete insane, crazy, WACK-O! You had to of done it, who else would of!" Ernie: "Youıre wrong, I didnıt do one thing." (Starting to cry.) (Not one thing.) Hemming: "I have no further quesions your honor." Tate: "You can step down from the witness stand now, Ernie." Ernie: (Does as told.) Tart: "Mr. Jenkins. Do you have any further witnesses?" Jenkins: (Rubbing his forehead,) "No I donıt your honor." Tart: "Now if the two parties would like to do the closing statements now, then we can begin." Hemming: (Standing up.) "Iıll go first your honor." (Turns to jury. ) "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. The defendant is clearly guilty. The two murdered bodies are screaming out to you saying. He did it...he did it. Even his best friend thinks he did it. So you know what must be done now, this man has to stomped out and riped out of this world. You know I am right. Thank you. " (Sits down.) Tart:" Who are you trying to be, Marcia Clark? Mr. Jenkins, your closing statement." Jenkins: (Stands up faces the jury.) I ask you not for forgiveness, for there is no need for it. My client...Ernie did not committ this horendous crime. He is a very good person deep down inside. I ask you for your mercy. Thank you." (Sits down and comforts Ernie.) Tart: (Looks towards the jury.) The fate of this manıs life is in your 24 hands. Please make the best decision possible and good luck. We will now take a short recess while the jury makes their decision." (Jury leaves and then quickly come back.) Jury Member: "Your honor we have come to our unanimous decision." (Holds up a piece of paper and reads off it.) "We the jury find the defendant Mr. Ernest Bennat-" Crazy Schizo Man: (Bust in with gun screaming,) "Where are you fig newtons?" Sherbert: "Fruit and cake, fruit and cake." Crazy Schizo Man: (Kills everyone in courthouse and starts eating the newtons on the judgeıs stand while laughing.) (Camera Fades.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- İ Copyright 1995, Generation Q. All rights reserved for someone better.