THE TINY JOHNSON SHOW VOICE: This is the Tiny Johnson show, with Tiny Johnson, and now your host... Tiny Johnson. TINY: Hello, I'm your host Tiny Johnson and welcome to the Tiny Johnson show. EVERYBODY: (Claps.) TINY: Over the past year, weıve had a plithera of guests on the Tiny Johnson Show. And after much picking weıve brought some of the best guests back to be on our show today. Now this is Doughdee, and if I remember correctly you are the stereotypical gay man. Is that correct? DOUGHDEE: Yes, it is Tiny. TINY: OK great. Now this is Frederick. Now the last time we saw him he was serving time at Monkey Palace Mental Institution for trying to rape a `59 Chevy. FREDERICK: (Interrupting.) `57 Chevy. `59's aren't my type. TINY: I apologize Frederick. Our final guest is Alan who is beaten on a nightly basis...by his wife. That is just awful, how are you feeling Alan? ALAN: I'm doing much better Tiny. I've decided to leave my wife. EVERYBODY: (Claps.) DOUGHDEE: (Reaches over to Alan.) Good for you Alan, you should be proud of yourself. TINY: If you donıt mind me asking Doughdee, do you mind if I call you Dough? DOUGHDEE: Yes I do Tiny. TINY: OK. We're you ever in an abusive relationship? DOUGHDEE: Yes I was. He just slapped me around silly. He kept telling me, he wasn't gay but I knew better. TINY: What did you do about it? DOUGHDEE: Well, I went up to him and said, "Look Mr. Man, I don't need you or your big ol' schlong." TINY: (Interrupting.) I think we get the point Doughdee, instead why don't you tell me one of your hardships that you had in this relationship. DOUGHDEE: Well we got into a big fight, I had enough when he said, "Look you, get your faggoty ass away from me!" And I said, "Well, hell no I won't put up with this I ain't your bitch anyway!" FREDERICK: What your schlong wasn't big enough? DOUGHDEE:: I guess you can say I'm tiny as well. TINY: Ok, now let's turn back to Frederick. Frederick have you ever been in an abusive relationship? FREDERICK: Yes. Yes I was. I beat her so silly she's still at the hospital. TINY: And when was this? FREDERICK: 1981. Theyıre finally thinkin' about pulling the plug. TINY: Why did you beat her, Frederick? FREDERICK: First she wouldn't bake me cookies, then she wouldnıt let me use her credit card to buy one of those whatchamacallits, and then she told me I had to get a job, and then to top it all off she was cheating on me with my brother, which at the time was her husband, but...you know. TINY: (Getting angry.) That's no reason to beat the living bejesus out of her. FREDERICK: I guess you would have to be in my shoes. TINY: I guess I had to be. Alan what made you finally decide to leave your wife? ALAN: Probably when she threw the dog at me. TINY: My God! When was this? ALAN: Five minutes before I got on the plane to come here. TINY: Uh huh. Have you told her yet? ALAN: No I haven't Tiny. TINY: When are you going to break the new to her? ALAN: I'm not going to tell her. Iım never going back there again. DOUGHDEE: Excellent choice honey. ALAN: Thank you Doughdee. TINY: Moving on to our next subject. Doughdee I understand you've been in some movies? DOUGHDEE: Yes, I was. TINY: Could you name some titles for us? DOUGHDEE: Sure I was in "Beefy Beef Cake", in "Beefy Beef Cake takes on the N.Y.P.D." And I was also in "Beefy Beef Cake 3: Beffy Beef Cake takes on the L.A.P.D in Up Against the Wall and Spread 'em." TINY: Oh yes, I think I've seen that one. DOUGHDEE: This summer look for me in "Doughdee Does Dallas, the Manly Edition." In that one I did my own stunts. TINY:I look forward to it. What was it like growing up different from the other children? DOUGHDEE: It really wasn't that bad. People thought I was just wet behind the ears. TINY: Were you ever picked on, or made fun of? DOUGHDEE: No...No I wasn't. TINY: What would you of done if you were? DOUGHDEE: I can't really answer that because itıs never happened to me. TINY:Good enough. We now turn to Frederick who was just released from Monkey Palace Mental Institution. Frederick, what have you done since you were released? FREDERICK: (Silent.) TINY: Frederick? FREDERICK: (Silent.) TINY: Frederick? FREDERICK: (Silent.) TINY: OK, letıs take some calls. Hello you're on the Tiny Johnson Show. ALANıS WIFE'S VOICE: (Starts yelling about Alan getting home. Hangs up.) TINY:Whoa Alan I bet you should hurry home. Letıs take another call. Hello youıre on the Tiny Johnson Show. SHANON'S VOICE: Hello, this is Shanon Dupre, Doughdee's girlfriend. EVERYBODY: (Gasps.) DOUGHDEE: Liar! I donıt know who that person is! Of course I'm gay! SHANON'S VOICE: You are not gay Doughdee! You just said that so you could get on that stupid show! TINY: Well, I never. SHANON'S VOICE: Admit it Doughdee, you are not gay! DOUGHDEE: OK, I'll admit it. I'm Bi. EVERYBODY: (Gasps.) SHANON'S VOICE: You're not even that Doughdee! Youıre straight as an arrow! DOUGHDEE: Fine, fine I'm straight. Please donıt think any less of me as a person. (Starts to cry.) EVERYBODY: (Gasps.) SHANON'S VOICE: Glad you finally admitted it Doughdee. pick up the milk on the way back OK? Love ya, bye bye. (Hangs up.) TINY: Well things have certainly turned around haven't they? Well I think we have time for one more call. Hello you're own Tiny Johnson Show. POLICE: This is the Maine State Police. We have a warrant for the arrest of Frederick Prox. He wasn't released from Monkey Palace...he escaped. TINY: Frederick is this true? FREDERICK: Yes. I ride with death and you have stumbled into our path. (Pulls out a gun.) POLICE: We have the building surrounded Prox, come out with your hands up! FREDERICK:OK. (Drops the gun, shrugs, puts hands up in air.) See you guys later. (Leaves.) EVERYBODY: Bye Frederick. TINY: Well, we've had quite an interesting evening haven't we? Join us tomorrow when we have Gee Man join us to talk about... GEI MAN: My name is pronounced Gei Man, young one. TINY: Yeah sure, whatever. GEI MAN: (Comes out and pounds on Tiny.) Voice: This has been the Tiny Johnson Show with your host...Tiny Johnson. (FADE OUT.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- İCopyright 1995, Generation Q. All rights reserved for Green Cape Man.