"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
 
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH 
YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college dropout.

 "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.