Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the
                 scenic route.

The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.  (actually, this is very true.  When I find a shoe I really love, I try to get at least two pair because I'll never find them again!)

Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die healthy.

The (good) things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.  (This sounds like quantum mechanics!)

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.  (Sad, but somewhat true.)