1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
6. No, my powers can only be used for good.
7. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
8. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
9. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
10. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
11. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
12. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
13. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
14. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
15. Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
16. I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead
17. Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.
18. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
20. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
21. Artificial intelligence is no substitute for natural stupidity.
22. The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
23. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
24. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
25. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
26. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
27. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
28. Quantum mechanics is the dreams stuff is made of.
29. Alcohol and calaulus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
30. The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
31. Whine it, be it.
32. Never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
33. Only dead fish swim with the current.
34. Insanity takes its toll, please have exact change.
35. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
36. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
37. Tell a man there a billions of stars in the sky and he will believe you, tell him a bench had wet paint and he has to touch it.
38. Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
39. A diamond is just a piece of coal that stuck to the job.
40. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
41. A PBS mind in an MTV World.
42. If everything is coming your way, you're obviously in the wrong lane.
43. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
44. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
45. Don't be so open minded, your brains could fall out.
46. Today was a complete waste of make-up.
47. All generalizations are false.
48. Hermits have no peer pressure.
49. When you read the news, your pet bird wonders why you're staring at carpeting.
50. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
51. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
52. Get out of my territorial bubble!
53. The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
54. I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
55. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
56. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
57. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
58. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
59. Even the mighty oak was once a nut like me.
60. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
61.Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
62. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
63. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
64. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
65. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
66. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
67. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
68. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
69. Freedom of the press means it never needs ironing.
70. An office cubicle is a padded cell.
71. I majored in liberal arts, is that for here or to go?
72. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
73. It could be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses.
74. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.
75. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
76. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
77.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
78.If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
79. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
80. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
81. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
82. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.
83. There's no garbage in Califirnia because they turn it all into television shows.
84. The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
85. Who are you going to believe? Me, or your own eyes?
86. Never wear anything that panics the cat.
87. Drug abuse has taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
88. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
89. The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
90. In all matters of opion my adversaries are insane.
91. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
92. The only thing that bands all nations together is that their governments are universally bad.
93. Only two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity.
94. Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness which created them.
95. Education is what remains after everything learned in school has been forgotten.
96. Common sense is the collection of prejudices aquired by age eighteen.
97. Meandering to my own drummer.
98. You're unique, just like everyone else.
99. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
100. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
101. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
102. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
103. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
104. I don't get even, I get odder.
105. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
106. I am having an out of money experience.
107. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
108. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
109. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
110. My blood type is latte.
111. I can run faster scared than you can ticked off.
112. Those who wander are not always lost.
113. University is a bar with a $15 000 cover charge.
114. Theatre is life, film is art, television is furniture.
115. No contempt prior to investigation.
116. Tradition is the living ideology of the dead, traditionalism is the dead ideology of the living.
117. Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
118. If all you had was sunshine, all you'd get would be a desert.
119. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
120. I think-therefore I'm single.
121. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
122. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
123. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
124. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
125. Nothing separates people like distance.
126. Life is not measured by the moments you breaths, but by the moments that take your breath away.
127. Rock Paper Scissors....Power Money Intellect

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I find this picture quite amusing

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