MUSLINGS FROM STRANGE ANONYMOUS PEOPLE.. 'What's the difference between a duck'
THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU SHOULD SOMETIMES SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS!
Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
GREAT FEMININE BUMPER STICKERS
'Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?'
'Is it farther to Miami than by bus?'
Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.
Walk up to a girl and say, "You know, this is a psychic watch, and right now it says that you aren't wearing any underwear... Oops! Sorry, it's running a hour early again"
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!
You are a naughty boy... go to my room!
I lost my puppy, can you help me find it? I think it went into that cheap motel room.
I'd like to be reincarnated as one of your tears, because I'd be born in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
"You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
"How bout you, me, and privacy?"
You look just like my third wife. Of course I've only been married twice...
"If the food were any fresher, you'd have to slap it!"
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
Princess, having had sufficient experience with prince, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?
Next mood swing: six minutes.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don’t upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU SHOULD SOMETIMES SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS!
Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
--- walker ---
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's
97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
FOR THE GALS
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who's willie's thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, won't take weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh, send a man who will make love to my mind
Knows what to say when I ask,
"How big is my behind?"
One who'll make love 'till my body's a twitchin'
In the hall, the shower & the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me no end
and never attempt to screw my best friend.
As I kneel & pray by my bed
I LOOK AT THIS SHIT-HEAD YOU SENT ME INSTEAD!!!
WHAT WOMEN WANT .....
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
