Emerald Angel's

WORK: I went back to work on the Monday following the funeral -- I shouldn't have. Well that is not entirely true. The Monday was a good thing. I was still in a state of shock so it helped to numb the process of life carrying on as if nothing had happened. But I was not ready.. I shook during meetings when issues needed to be solved. I just wanted to quit and leave all my past behind me. I could not handle the stress.
On the Tuesday I talked to the police and had to leave work to go in and make a statement. This was hard. He sat me down, and siad "You are not in trouble you know". I knew that -- and then I realized that if the police officer had not been at Joe's side when he died I would have been a suspect for murder, since it was on record that Joe had called 9-1-1 regarding me assaulting him. My blood still runs cold at this thought -- having to defence my innocence and possibly even ending up in jail!
So I told my story, reliving the events of our marriage, the traumatic times at Christmas, and the Sunday of his death. When Ii was finished, he said "You do know he left you a note, don't you?" No, I didn't. I started to shake, a contact from him, his last thoughts for me. The officer went and got it and left me alone to read it.

And I sobbed. The large script, half printed, half written; "Joey" as he used to call himself; love you forever......
I went home from work after that and took the rest of the week off. By the following week I was better able to cope and began the slow transition into my new life. And it was slow. No longer was I giving 120% at work. I didn't have it to give. I functioned, I did what had to be done. I coasted. It took me about 8 months before I was able to commit myself to my career again. I made no apologies and I did not push myself to give more than I knew I was able to handle. I think my coworkers and bosses for their patience and for pulling up the slack.

DAY TO DAY LIFE
One of Joe's reasons for suicide was to give us what he couldn't while alive -- the insurance money we'd receive would pay off the mortgage and leave us with money for our futures. It was always a subject which we hated during his life and it was just as hard after his death.. Yes the house was paid for, which was good because it was an expense I could not afford on my income. But the rest of it? It sat there and I did not want to touch it.. did not want to think about. How could I take it and benefit from his death? I later realized that by not acknowledging the money was robbing Joe of his last gift to his family.
At the same time that I was taking care of the bills and the money, I also had to take his name off of accounts. Oh how I hated this. I was meticulously wiping his name from the face of the earth. One by one, with each contact I made, a record of his existence disappeared. I think this was the hardest part of the entire process. I felt like I was betraying him, being disloyal and that I was dismissing him from my life. The grave stone was a way to make up for this process. I have left his name on this earth for eternity.
There was more guilt than the record issue that I had to bear. During the months following his death I did not miss his presence in the house. It was peaceful, so wonderful actually. No more wondering what I was going to come home to; no more worrying about what was going to happen next. It was a welcome change and yet again the sense of guilt for having such feelings.
But there were moments that touched me and sent me to tears and heartache. An overheard discussion about an upcoming anniversary (Joe and I shall never share another one), a movie where the Dad died before he could walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding (Joe and our daughter have been deprived of this honour), couples holding hands and laughing with each other -- all these hit me hard. It was strange. Discussion of death and suicide did not affect me but the unexpected triggers knocked me off my feet.

FAMILY
I do admit that i was not there as much for my kids as I could or should have been. We carried on with our lives as best we could, and we went out for supper once a week giving us time to check in with each other. I buried myself into the Internet-- into chat. Chat: my salvation, my therapist, my sub-conscious.
I came to realize that connections I made with strangers on the Internet were not by chance. As we talked and we began to share things in our lives, I would realize that we had been brought together for a reason. It was a healing process for both parties, whether the topic was alcoholism or separation, death, or suicide. And I learned that my experience, my outlook on it all was helpful to many people -- giving them an insight they needed to survive their own experiences.
For me, I found out that as I shared my thoughts, i was also analysing and coming to terms with the chain of events which had happened in my own life. And so I shared my experience with anyone who wanted to hear it. In this way, my grieving process occurred. Looking back , I think it was quite healthy -- nothing was ignored, buried, denied. All thoughts were expressed. The Internet was a safe place to explore my feelings, and with my words facing me in black and white, I was able to re-read them and understand them and internalize them.
The insurance company had sent me a book to read soon after Joe's death. I placed it by my computer and there it sat for six months. I didn't need help I thought -- I had my own analysis capabilities and my Internet friends to see me through all this. It took me six months to be ready to read another widow's story. I guess this was the grieving process "denial". Not denying the reality of his death, but the reality that i was a widow and that I had been hurt. That was an interesting realization for me, and another step towards healing.
In the book, it spoke of the void left by the loss and the methods used by different people in an attempt to fill it. For many, the search for a new husband was the way, and at first I thought I needed a man in my life -- someone to love and be loved by; to not only replace what I lost but to give me what I never had, a happy loving relationship. It was during my trip with the kids I took in the summer that I realized that I was alone and I did not need a man in my life. I returned home ready to face my life alone, to get back to reality, to admit that I was in fact a widow, and that the responsibilities around the house were mine and mine alone. It was a tough realization for me and it hurt.
And then one morning the fog lifted and I realized that I was not just going to survive but I was going to live ! My future was here and it was mine to make of as I saw fit. I was going to be o.k. I felt free, ready to face the world. I had found the new me. I wasn't sure at that moment what had changed, but I later found out that that was the morning the gravestone was put in place. A closure to my past. I finally let it go. Now I was truly on my own and starting my new life.
In this new sense of understanding I also came to realize that I didn't "need" a man but 'wanted' one -- two completely different things. I was no longer dependent on having someone at my side but the desire to share my life with someone was a good thing, and was something I could wait for. First I had to finish finding 'me'. Another step was taken towards my future.
I am writing this story in September of '98, a time when I think I have finally become whole, and have in fact started my life "as an independent woman" as a dear friend puts it. The final step happened a couple weeks prior to the writing of this story. A friend sent me an email dedicated to Joe. It triggered a final step in the healing process. When I read the email and it was at this time that I finally truly admitted or allowed myself to say how much I loved Joe.
How did I come to this understanding? There are a few factors involved. My motto has become "Love Life, Live Life, Live With No Regrets". Joe had died without having truly lived his life -- or so I had thought. But I realized during our trip that he had indeed lived it! Nothing stopped him from doing what he wanted to do. If he wanted to climb down a cliff to the water, he found a way. If he wanted to see what was inside some hole, in he went. He lived life to the best of his ability. This was who he was and I loved him. Yes, I loved him, regardless of all the other things which got in the way, I truly loved this man.
I had said this many times in the past several months. But I realize now that the anger I felt towards him for all the things that happened in the past year as well as our entire marriage had surrounded this love. I would not let myself forget the terrible things which had happened (no should I) but this need to feel the hurt was robbing me of fully remembering the love.
I re-read the poem I had written for him and had read a thousand times but for the first time it made me cry. Tears of love and anguish streamed down my face. I loved him truly -- it was no longer tarnished by the moments of the past. And I missed him. I missed his presence in the house, I missed his laugh, I missed his hand in mine. My knight was gone.
And once again I found a new freedom. I am free to love him , to remember him. I am free to live my life with no regrets, and with a healthy feeling of loss and sadness.
It was on this day my new life truly began. My interest in work miraculously returned. Housework started getting done again. I realized that I had been avoiding the loneliness of the house -- avoiding his absence. Now the computer is downstairs and I am a part of the house again.
I am alone, I do miss him, but I shall always love him. He was my Knight -- but now the Angel soars!!!! Hello world -- I made it.

A Year Later...
Well, here I am,one year later. I have survived, and I AM enjoying life!
I have met someone who makes me smile, and I can't wait to get out there fly-fishing with him. Maybe that will be my next web page "The EmeraldAngel Fly Fishes".
I am proud to say I have tied my first fly and I can't wait to cast it into the water... do you cast flies??? or is there another term??? My, I have lots to learn.
Just to let you know, the kids are off to school and are doing great. I see them almost every weekend (Jenn more than Joey, due to Symphony practices.) Oh, speaking of the Symphony, you MUST go visit the web page (my creation.. taking a bow.. thank you, thank you).
go visit, I'll be here when you get back.... CLICK!! I promise that I'll be here.

Back?? did you sign the guest book??? You didn't?? Gasp... get back there..
Here, let me help you..
this page has the guestbook on it...
Thank you.

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