All The White Circles (Part 5)
Jennifer
Part Five: Buffy
"So, do you want to tell me what that's about?"
I look to Angel as we begin walking away from Lowell House. I look back quickly at the house and then take a deep breath. "I guess I should."
"Is it... is there... I mean..." he's tripping over the emotion in his words.
"Cordy's vision was right. There was a problem with Drusilla. Not with Spike. He fought with me."
"What is the deal with Spike? Willow mentioned something but didn't get specific."
"He had a run in with some laboratory. They put something in him, I'm not sure what, that causes him some kind of intense pain if he tries to hurt anyone."
"Then how did he fight with you?"
"I think it only works with humans."
"Oh."
"So we've been keeping him. We feed him and keep him safe from well demons like his old self."
"I see. And you realize that he'll just turn on you the minute he's all fixed up?"
"Of course. He wouldn't be Spike if he didn't. But how can I kill him when he's like that? And besides, I think that he's a bit misunderstood. And he's capable of far more humanity without a soul than..." I stop myself quickly and glance at him. His face remains unchanged.
"What happened with Dru?" He asks.
"Well, I didn't know it was her at first. But I was supposed to have a... have a..."
"A date," he completed the sentence for me.
"Yeah. A date. I had a date with a friend... my friend... Riley. He's uh... my psychology TA."
"I see."
"And he didn't show. I went to his office the next day when he keeps his hours and he wasn't there either. No one had seen him. And you know me... slayer sense, blah, blah, blah. I got worried. I was ready to start an all out hunt for him. But the vamps that took him came to us. It turned out to be Drusilla. Spike helped us figure that one out. She had taken him hostage. She wrote her so-called ransom note with his blood. They did a number on him. You know how vampires can be."
"Yeah, I do."
"Spike helped me rescue him. We went in there and got him. Spike got Drusilla out though. It was our end of the bargain to let him take her."
"And he came back to you?"
"Of course. He needs to find out what happened to make him utterly useless as a vampire."
"I see."
"And the guy?"
"He lives in that house," I motioned back towards the house I had come out of. "He's part of something I can't explain and they took him from the hospital and they won't let me see him."
"You care for him,"
"Yes, Angel I do."
"I see." He sounded disappointed.
"What would you have me do? I can wait around for a lifetime for you and die in the process. Unless you somehow become human, unrealistic thought, you will not grow old and I will. I will die away unless... unless you make me and that's not the answer either." I look to him and his sadness is ever apparent and coupled with my own grief over what I can't have with him, I feel myself being ripped apart. But I don't let it die with those few words. It's almost as if I need to do this now. Get it out and make the stand that I'm ready to move on. "What is our future together Angel? Because I want one. I want to grow old with someone. I want to have babies and go to PTA meetings and braid hair and be able to go to the beach in the daytime. I can't have that with you. God Angel, why do we have to do this every time we're together!" My tears are flowing furiously. They are tears of sorrow for all that Angel and I had but can never have again. Tears of guilt for letting myself move on when Angel will have an eternity to be tormented by our memories. And add to the guilt mix, tears for even being with him when Riley is laid up somewhere recovering from who knows what Dru did. Finally they're tears for what I know I want and can have if I can only make the choice to do so.
"We agreed to move on, Angel. You went. Off to Los Angeles. And it broke my heart. It breaks my heart every time I see you. I know you feel it. I know you're not without the remorse and sorrow too. But Angel, what do I have to repent for? Why should I feel like this?"
"I'm sorry you feel like this. If I had known my coming here would be more of a hindrance to you than I wouldn't have come."
"It's not a hindrance Angel. But you can't look at me that way and expect things to be just hunky-dory."
"I know."
"And my future, whatever is left of it... It might not be Riley. I can't say that. I don't know. I do know that he's the first one I've wanted to take that chance with. He's the first one I haven't felt guilty for caring about. I need this Angel. I need to try to do this with him. He's honest and strong and courageous. He's different than most people and I'm attracted to that. I just need this."
"I know. And you deserve it. Don't think I don't know that because I do. It's just hard to see it. It's hard to see you focussed so completely on someone else."
"I'm sure it is. But I don't have eternity. I've got what's here and now."
"Then I want you to do it. You know it's what I want for you. It's just easier to say these things than to actually see you go through with them."
"And it will probably always be like that for you. It's in your nature."
He nods and takes my hand as we walk. "We can end up friends... just friends. We just have to work at it. It seems we've gotten to the point where we can touch each other and not have to..."
I curl my fingers around his. It feels good to touch him like this. "Yeah, it does."
We continue to walk slowly in the direction of Giles' apartment.
"So is this guy real tall?" He asks me as we get closer to Giles' place.
"Yeah, pretty tall."
"Light hair?"
"Sort of. Why?" I look at him.
"I don't know. Just a thought..."
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