Dear Angel

Christine Luland

April 1999
Dear Angel,
You're not coming back are you? It's been almost six months and no
word. I look for you in the shadows every night, hoping. But I'm
starting to realize that you're not going to materialize out of the
shadows ever again.

You promised me you would come back. That promise was all that kept me
going when I wanted to die after you first left. But looking back I
realize that you never said the words. You never said I promise. Does
that make it easier for you to stay away? How can you leave me here
alone? Damn you!

It's so hard Angel. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about you,
worrying about you. I want you here with me. I don't want to be alone.
I want to feel you arms around me and I can't. Oh God I wish you were
here. But I know that's not going to happen. You'll stay away out of
some stupid belief that I'm better off without you. You're so wrong.
You're my life. I need you so badly. I can't take this.

October 1999
Dear Angel,
I can't believe it's been a year since I last saw you. I tell myself
that it's easier now. That I don't hear you calling my name as I hunt
through the cemetery, that I don't see your shadow outside my window in
the darkest part of the night. But it's not easier. I think I hear
your voice call my name. I see a shadow move and for a second my heart
leaps, only to face a harsh and lonely reality once again. I keep
telling myself that tomorrow will be better. Then tomorrow comes and
it's not. Do you hurt as badly? Tell me it'll stop someday. Please?

I know I promised you I would try and find someone to love. I haven't.
Not yet, I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be. You have my
heart. There's not enough left for anyone else. Nobody will ever
compare to you. I miss you so much.

We've started classes at Sunnydale University. Surprise, Surprise,
Xander and I were both admitted, poor grades and all. I think it had
less to do with us and more to do with the funding for a new library
that came from a rather mysterious source in England. Go figure.
Classes are going well, or as well as can be expected when you're out
hunting demons at night.

This is so ridiculous. I'm writing to you like I'm actually going to be
able to send this letter. I wish I could. I wish I could talk to you.
You were always the person that I felt understood me best. I guess
these letters are my way of pretending you're still here. I like to
think it helps a little. I feel a little calmer now, a little closer to
you.


November 2000
Dear Angel,
Time is passing. It's been over two years. Sometimes I think it was
all a dream. That you were some fantasy I created in my mind, but I
know it wasn't because at night, in my dreams, you're here with me. For
a brief moment you're real, everything is real again. I feel your hands
as they touch me, your lips on mine. I remember you so well I wake up
expecting to find you here. My dreams are the only thing that keeps me
sane these days. They're a precious memory to cling to while I smile
and pretend everything is okay.

I've started dating, mostly to please everyone else. They were so
worried about me. It got to the point that I was afraid to look in
their eyes, to see the worry and concern as they watched me. So every
once in awhile I let Willow or Cordelia talk me into a double date with
some guy. We'll go out to dinner, or to a movie. Sometimes we'll go
dancing at the Bronze. But the night ends and I go home alone and think
of you. I don't get many second dates but I don't care.

I'm majoring in Physical Education. Can you imagine? Me? A teacher?
But it seemed the best thing to do given my other calling. Maybe I'll
go back and surprise Snyder. He'd drop dead on the spot.

Mom's doing well. She's become the queen of vampire dust removal.
There isn't a stain on my clothes that she can't get out. She still
worries when I'm out at night. I've told her how we used to hunt
together. I think she wishes I had the same back-up now. Somehow
Xander and Cordelia just don't watch my back as well as you did.

I wish I knew that you were okay. Are you as lonely as I am? I worry
about you so much. At least I have my friends. Who do you have? I
wish... But there's no sense in wishing. I guess this is how things
are meant to be.

April 2003
My Dearest Angel,
I've met someone. It's hard to admit that to you. Don't think that
I've forgotten you or that I love you any less. It's just that I've
been so alone, and he makes me laugh.

I hadn't been sleeping well. I'd been having these really strange
dreams. I didn't know what they were about, what they predicted, but
they were waking me up every morning before dawn.

For want of something better to do, I began running in the mornings. I
met Todd at the track one morning a few months ago. For days we never
spoke, just paced one another as we ran for miles. I guess I liked
that; the fact that he didn't pry into who I was or immediately hit on
me. I think it took us almost three months to do more than nod hello.
At first he was only a running partner, but then one day we ran into
each other at the campus pub, that was our first real conversation.
After that he just seemed to be there, at the track, in the pub,
occasionally wandering through the library. We aren't dating, but we
aren't not dating. Does that make sense?

He reminds me a lot of you. He just accepts me, doesn't push me to be
more then who I am. If I hustle him out of the library during a demon
research night he goes without any questions. If I have to break a get
together because of slayage he understands. He's always there when
things calm down, waiting with a joke and a smile.

I don't know what going to happen. I can't forget you, can't forget
what we had. But he's offering me a chance not to be alone. Suddenly
not being alone any longer seems like a good idea. But what do I do?
Do I tell him who, what I am? Do I tell him I'll never have a normal
life, that I'm not supposed to be alive, that Slayers aren't supposed to
live past their twentieth birthday? Do I tell him that my heart belongs
to someone I can't have? That I don't think I'm capable of giving him
the love he wants?

Oh God, what do I do?

September 2003
Dear Angel,
Well he knows about me being the Slayer. He found out a few days ago.
We had been coming back from a night at the movies with Xander and
Cordelia, Willow and Oz. A group of vampires attacked us. We fought
them off pretty easily but the damage was done. How do you explain a
body exploding into dust? Explain being the Chosen one? We ditched
everyone and then I tried to explain. He understood it, but wasn't sure
that he could accept it. He left that night and I didn't see him for
three days. I figured it was over. He came back two days ago with the
ugliest plant I've ever seen. It turns out it was garlic. He thought I
could use a renewable supply in my never-ending battle with the undead.

So where do we go from here? He accepts me for what I am, do I let
myself love him? I don't know that I can. God help me, but sometimes
when he kisses me I see your face. I miss you so much.


June 2004
Dearest Angel,
I'm getting married. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but
I'm tired of thinking, tired of missing you, tired of being alone.
Short of abandoning my duty and heading out in search of you I don't
know what else to do.

Everyone says we're perfect together, that I'm so lucky to find someone
that accepts me for who I am. On the outside I play the part of the
blushing bride and pretend to be excited about what color the flowers
are. But inside, inside my heart is yours. I've never missed you more
then I do right now.

Sometimes I think he knows about you, even though no one has ever
mentioned your name or what we shared. He'd have to blind not to
realize that there was someone else in my past, someone who I truly
belong to. But he seems happy to accept what I'm capable of giving him.

This is probably the biggest mistake of my life, but I don't know what
to do to stop it. I'm so sorry.

September 2004
Dear Angel,
I'm going to be a mother. I can't believe it. I'm excited but at the
same time I wonder if I'm wrong to bring a child into this world knowing
that I probably won't be there to see her grow up? I've been lucky so
far, the luckiest Slayer ever. But that luck can't hold out forever.
But I know her father and my friends will ensure that she's safe and
loved no matter what happens.

Todd and my mom are thrilled. All my Slayerettes are happy for me.
Giles, well Giles just wanders around with this befuddled look on his
face. Training is going to get very interesting I'm sure.

I said she earlier, I know I'm having a daughter. I had a dream of a
beautiful little, blonde baby girl. I just hope the only thing she
inherits from me is my blonde hair. I don't want her to have my
destiny. I want her to be safe, to have a happy life.

May 2005
My Love,
It's a girl, but you know that, don't you? I found the cross in her
crib. You were here. You stood, not twenty feet from where I was
sleeping, and you watched over my little girl, my Elizabeth.

I felt you, did you know that? I woke up and knew you were nearby. Did
you see me run out the door searching for you? Did you hide in the
shadows and watch me cry? To know you were so near and that I missed
seeing you by seconds, it broke my heart. I'm Buffy Adams now. I have
a daughter. I have a husband. But I still love you with all my heart.
I wish I could have seen you, if only for a moment. I wish I could have
felt your arms around me one last time.

Today Willow finally admitted to me that she's been in touch with you
all these years. That's how you knew about Beth isn't it? You've been
watching over me all this time. Did it hurt you to find out about Todd?
I hope you understood. I couldn't be alone any longer. The nights were
so dark and empty without you. But I guess the joke is on me. Even
with a husband, my nights are still dark and lonely.

Promise me you'll watch over my little girl if anything happens to me.
Be her real life guardian Angel. Please? I just have this horrible
feeling that I won't be there to see her grow up and I need to know that
she'll be safe.

September 2005
Dear Angel,
I've given these letters to Willow. She promised me she would get them
to you. I think you deserve the chance to read them.

There's no easy way to tell you this; Buffy died three weeks ago. An
incredibly ancient vampire came to town seeking to harness the power of
the Hellmouth. No one spoke it but I think we all knew that this was
the end. She'd been having horrible dreams once again, dreams of her
own death. But what could she do? She was the Chosen One. It didn't
matter that she was my wife, the mother of my child. Her destiny had to
come first. I just hope that someday I can make Beth understand that.

Buffy defeated this ancient but at tremendous cost to herself. She died
in my arms. But the last thing she spoke was your name. I didn't
understand at first, I thought she meant angels had come to meet her.
But after the funeral, when I was going through her things, I found
these letters. Suddenly I started to understand. Things I had quietly
accepted as mysterious slayer things began to make sense. I realized
that you were the reason behind the cut-off conversations. You were the
one who had her heart. I hadn't understood why finding that cross in
Beth's crib upset her so much. But looking back I realized it matched
the cross she always wore. You gave that to her didn't you? And then
you came here and left one for our daughter.

I went to Willow and she finally explained everything to me. Who you
were, how much you loved each other, the terrible things that tore you
apart. I understand her so much better now. I always knew that she had
given her heart to someone else. Knew that she didn't love me with the
intensity and passion I knew she was capable of. Now I even know why
she never wanted to celebrate her birthday, why she became so upset if I
even mentioned it.

Part of me thinks I should hate you. You were always a silent ghost
haunting our relationship, a shadow that prevented her from being truly
happy. After all how could she be happy with a mere mortal when she
once had the love of an angel? But I can't hate you. Because I realize
you truly loved her. You gave up everything so she could get a chance
at a normal life. I was lucky enough to benefit from your sacrifice. I
got to marry her, to live with her, to have a child with her. I had
more time with her then you ever did or ever will.

I know she loved me as much as she was able. I was satisfied with that
because even that little bit was so special. But you know that, don't
you?

I guess there's really nothing left to say now, except thank you.

Sincerely,
Todd Adams

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