Elegy

Kathy L

He's dying.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. If it was gonna
happen at all, it was gonna be by one fatal mistake on the
nightly patrols, or maybe an all-out, last stand against
the Hellmouth's fury. Certainly not from something as
terrifyingly mundane as pancreatic cancer.

I am humbled, but not surprised, that he came to me first,
of all of us. I think he could tell that I knew something
was up, and who better to confide in than me? In spite of
the age difference, I think we have come to really
understand each other, and he knows that I would die myself
if I could change what was happening.

We were all concerned about his safety in the hospital, of
course. Apparently word leaked out that the Slayer's
Watcher was on his deathbed, and there were quite a few
vamps who would have loved to bring him into the fold. I
was wracking my brain trying to think of a way I could
guard against this without moving into the hospital myself,
and then I got a visit from an old 'friend'. Why he chose
that particular moment to reappear again, I'll never know.
He made about as much sense as he did the last time I spoke
with him, but what I did get out of it was that he wanted
to pay Giles some sort of tribute. I guess it was his way
of apologizing for being so useless in the whole Acathla
mess. I don't know what he did to keep the vamps away from
the hospital, just that it was more effective than a mote
of holy water. He tells me he will come back and check on
things, but I'm not holding my breath.

The new watcher arrived three days ago. Thankfully, not
that idiot, Wesley. Good old Giles; he surprised us all
by fighting the council tooth and nail for the right to
hand-pick his replacement. The new watcher's name is Ian
Kane. He's about the same age as Wesley, but, fortunately,
nothing like him. I was prepared to hate him on sight, but
I have to say, Giles chose well. Like Giles, he's kind of
a rebel in Watcher circles, but he's pretty sharp and I
think he'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. He
knows how incredibly hard the last few weeks have been on
all of us, and he's been laying low unless we need him. I
am grateful. It's bad enough knowing that Giles will never
set foot in the library again, but even worse to know that
someone else is there in his place. I like Ian, but every
time I see him I realize what we're losing and the
shattered remnants of my heart break one more time. The
library is a place I just don't go anymore.

It's selfish and petty, but in the privacy of my thoughts I
am screaming at the cold irony of the universe. It can't
happen now, not after we have made it through so much. One
betrayal after another, both his and mine, and somehow we
found a way to put that behind us and remain friends. He
won't say it, but I think he's finally forgiven me for all
the pain I caused him last summer. It does little to erase
the deep well of guilt in my own mind, but it has made our
friendship stronger, and that means more to me than I can
say.

I thought for sure that the whole thing with Faith was the
end of us - the end of everything. When I came to him that
night to apologize for my misguided attempts to help her,
he simply gave me a quiet smile and said he understood.
Not a single 'I told you so'. He must have known I didn't
stand a chance, but he let me try anyway, in spite of the
cost. He even tried to talk me out of feeling guilty about
Faith's death, but we both know it will haunt me, just like
the deaths of all the others I couldn't save.

The most heartbreaking thing of all, though, is knowing how
much he loves us. All of us. Even me. I didn't realize the
depth of that love until the night he gave me back the
center of my universe. By then he knew he didn't have much
time left, and it was his last gift. Somehow, he managed
to put the past behind him, managed to forget that the same
two people he was trying to help were each, in their own
ways, responsible for the death of the woman he loved. I
don't know how, but he did it, God bless him. We can be
together now, my love and I, without fear and without
reprisals. It may be just enough to help us deal with the
overwhelming grief.

~~

I walk past the nurses' station, past the visitors lounge
and the faces of my friends--my family, if I must admit--
trying not to see their tear-streaked faces. I can't bear
to look at Willow, she's been holding herself together
through sheer will alone, and I'm afraid she's at the end
of her self-control. I open the door slowly and peer in,
to see my beautiful angel keeping a death watch.
"Hi."
"Hi." A small, tear-filled smile, a big hug, and a kiss
on the cheek.
"Can I have a minute?" I say, trying to choke back the
emotions that are flooding through me.
A moment of uncertainty, and then, "Sure. I'll go get
some coffee."
The door closes and Giles and I are alone.
"Giles--" Damn. The tears start. I wasn't gonna do that,
I swore.
He looks up at me with a face that is in pain but filled
with an inner peace.
"Promise me something."
"Anything. You know that."
He takes my hand in his weak one, looking up at me with
tired eyes.
"Take care of her. Watch over her. She needs you."
I could refuse him just as easily as I could take a
stroll on a sunny afternoon. I stifle a sob and merely
nod my head.

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