Growing Pains

Rae

It's been a week or two since Xander and I decided to just be
friends. Or, really we decided to be more then friends but I chickened
out of telling Oz so I kinda made the descision for us to remain
friends.
I mean, we had that moment of weakness in the library that night
with Giles almost catching us but other then that, we've been apart.
Pertending we don't want each other. And that I don't think about him
every second of every moment of every day. God, I so hate myself. I
should of told Oz. I tried to tell him. I picked up the phone like,
three times and ended up hanging up before I could even dial the whole
number. And every time I tried to tell him in school he'd say
something sweet and there'd be no way I could do anything but kiss him.
Alot.
So a week had passed since our talk and I was feeling kind of
guilty, being with Oz when all I could think about was Xander, when
guess who stopped by. The visit started off very calm and polite. He
came into my room, asked me how I was doing. I mumbled something about
a tree, I don't remember anymore- what the hell could a tree have to do
with how I was doing? But it didn't really matter because right after
the lame tree comment everything kinda went...screwy...not literally,
of course but figurativly. Sorta...
He's been here about two or three minutes now and he's still
practically in the doorway, "So, are we uh-" I manage to get out
between kisses, "I mean, hadn't we decided on the phone last week to
just be friends?"
Xander shuts the outside door to my room with his foot and it
slams loudly. I cringe, my parents probably heard that. "We're
friends," he assures me, "Good friends." Our kissing becomes more
urgent and he continues, "Who kiss." we fall back onto my bed but
continue kissing without taking a break, "Alot," he adds. We shouldn't
be doing this, I think. Poor Oz...crap crap crap crap crap...
"Willow!" my mom calls loudly and I can hear her approaching
footsteps.
I panic and my eyes go wide as I break away from Xander mid-kiss.
Oh crap if they saw us like this...lying on my bed...kissing...I shove
him, hard, and he goes flying. He lands on the floor on the other side
of the bed with an undignified thump, where my mom can't see him. I
wince when I hear the thud that accompanies his fall. She opens the
door and sticks her head in, "Your father says supper'll be ready in
like, twenty minutes."
I nod and give her a forced smile. "Great."
"Is Xander here? I heard your door slam?"
I'm about to deny her question when Xander raises his hand from
behind the bed so she can see he is indeed there, "Hey Mrs Rosenberg,"
he says, still on the floor but waving his hand for her to see.
"Oh, hey honey. Stay for dinner?"
"Okay!" he calls to her. She smiles at me and then turns and
goes, shutting the door behind her. I lean over the side of the bed
and look down at him. He's still lying there, and he winces, its
obvious his head hurts.
"Sorry," I apologise meekly. "You okay?"
He rubs the back of his head, "Well, to be honest- no." He shuts
his eyes for a second and I wait. When he opens them he says, "It's
better this way though. All that kissing was a mistake." I feel torn,
he's right but I don't want him to be. "What?" I ask, feeling slightly
hurt.
"Will, it's obvious you aren't gonna dump Oz for me. We said
that-"
"Xander, how can I? I mean, dump him and the next day start dating
you?" I can feel all the blood rushing to my head so I sit up on my bed
and stare down at him, "He's gonna know."
Xander remains lying there and replies, "Will, I wanna be with
you. We've discussed this. I've never felt this way about anyone."
"I've never dumped anyone before-" I argue, "God, what if he like,
yells, or something? Or tells everyone that Buffy's the Slayer. He
won't hang with us anymore, he doesn't need to keep her secret."
"Oz wouldn't do that Will," he sits up, "You, of all people should
know that." Xander stands up and starts walking towards the door, "Tell
your mom I realised I couldn't stay. Tonight is chinese takeout
accompanied by my father's drunken antics night at home and mom would
just hate me to miss that."
"Xander!" I call out to him, my voice breaking. He stops, his
hand on the knob but doesn't look at me, "Why are you doing this?" I
ask, on the verge of tears. He has to understand how hard this is for
me. Why doesn't he? He knows I've loved him forever and I want to be
with him but why won't he listen?
It's weird. I can remember the first time Xander and I ever
hugged. I can remember the happy blush it used to bring to my cheek.
How every touch meant something special to me. Things were so simple
then. I'd wanted him to kiss me for so long and now that it's happend
I can't even enjoy it.
He turns to me, "You think you're the only one who this'll affect?
I like Cordy, and when I tell her it's over, not only will she never
talk to me again but I'm almost positive she'll go back to her friends,
tell them she dumped me and get their help in making my life a living
hell. Especially, when she finds out I did it because of you. You're
not the only one losing here."
"And while we're on the subject?" he's raging now, I can see how
angry he is. He's turned to face me and I almost wish he hadn't
because now I can actually see the hurt in his eyes, "I've never dumped
anyone either. And you seem to have no problem dumping me-"
I stand up and walk over to him "This isn't about you," I tell
him, "And it's not about us. It's about them. They're our friends,
Xander. More then that, actually. And we need to do this in a way
that will hurt them as little as possible."
"We need to do this in a way that'll hurt us as little as possible
too," he replies, less angry but I can still feel it there. "You're my
first priority, Will- why amn't I yours?"
I can't talk for a second. He was my first priority for years. I
was his sidekick, his best friend and for so long I wanted to be more.
And now, about a year late he questions my loyalty?
He makes my head go tingly...I remember telling Buffy that. And
it's still true. When we kiss everything goes hazy and all I can think
about are his lips. And when we hold hands or touch or whatever it
feels almost...I dunno...I can't explain it. Like when we were little
and used to touch only...better. But I don't wanna fight with him. I
don't wanna lose him again.
How did this even happen? When did I go from Best Friend Willow,
to Object of Lust Willow? "Well, I have a choice. I could wait for him
to go out with every other girl in the worlld, before he noticed
me...or I could just get on with my life."
So I tried to get on with my life. Sorta. But if was only after
the Cordy thing happened that I realised I really needed to find
someone more attainable. After I found out about him and Cordy...stuff
was bad between us for months...it was so awkward and weird and...I
can't go through that again. I thought Xander would never notice me.
And now that he has I almost wish he hadn't. "Because Oz is my
boyfriend, Xander. And maybe you haven't noticed, but as of late- me
and you aren't exactly the bestest of best buds anymore, are we? We
don't talk every night and when we do talk- we don't talk like we used
to. We talk about, I dunno, slayage and my witch stuff and what
classes you're failing. You only started asking about Oz and me a week
ago and-"
"That doesn't mean I don't care about that stuff, Will. It's
just-" Xander sighs and I wait for him to continue, "It's hard for me.
Cordy and I have never said we love each other. I've never told anyone
I loved them- other then my parents and I haven't even told my dad that
in years. And I don't-" he breaks off then and he looks so dejected I
just want desperatly to hug him. Our last talk, although filled with
underlying sadness had been lighter. We'd made jokes about it. Xander
speaks again and I can barely hear him his voice is so soft now, "I
don't know how to tell you-"
"It's just...when I look at you now, it's like I'm seeing you for
the first time..." Oh crap, I'm having another of those moments.
He stops talking again. I can feel my heart pounding. In fact I
think I can HEAR it, even. It's so loud Xander can probably hear it
too. I notice my hands are shaking slightly. "Tell me what?" I asked
quietly, prodding slightly for him to continue.
He still won't continue. He's just standing there, staring at his
feet.
"Xander?" I ask, and I feel that firmilair yet weird ache in my
chest again. Continue...I say to myself. I want to hear so badly if
he's going to say what it sounds like he's going to say. "Xander, what
are you-"
He finally looks up at me and then he takes a step closer. He
looks awkward, unsure of himself and what he's about to say and I wait.
He's looking at me the way he used to look at Buffy when we first
became friends with her only...different. He seems...if
possible...more nervous, maybe? "Willow, I-" he shrugs and says,
"I'm in love with you."
It's like a dream or something, right? This is what I've been
waiting for my whole life and I'm torn between loyalty to Oz and my
love for Xander. I don't wanna do to Oz what Xander did to me with
Cordy. Finding them together like that...their lips pressed
together...smiling...oh God, it was like someone had taken a sharp
stick and run me through with it. It was like I had been staked. And
I never ever want to feel that way again. Ever. I'm so scared that if
I tell Xander I love him he'll hurt me again. Not on purpose, but
Xander's known for wanting what he can't have. He couldn't have Buffy
because she loved Angel, he wanted her. He couldn't have Cordy cos she
hated him, he wanted her. And then finally after so long, he couldn't
have me because I finally liked someone else and he wanted me. But
maybe it was more then just lusting after the unattainable this time.
I want so desperatly to believe that. But whenever he pines for
someone else it hurts so much...and I don't ever want to feel that way
again.
He's gotten out what he wanted to say and even though I haven't
responded yet, he seems to of suddenly developed courage to speech.
He moves even closer to me and takes his hands in mine, "I know, that
seems insane. Or inane, even. Where do I get off telling you I love
you after ignoring you our whole lives," he was babbling now, speaking
quickly. "But Wills, you know I've always loved you as a friend and
since when you were in a coma I realised I love you as more then just
that but I couldn't tell you because well, you were asleep. I mean, I
sorta did tell you but then you woke and wanted Oz and I had," Breathe
Xander, I want to tell him, my mind is starting to wonder because of
all his babbling, " -Cordy and she had just started acting like a real
girlfriend so I let you go and-" my head was starting to hurt. The guy
hadn't even taken a breath yet, "And so I just figured I could push
those feelings aside and be with Cordy and you'd be with Oz and-"
Aww, my head. All these thoughts. But as I watched him babble I
couldn't help but smile. The idiot truly did love me. Okay, I decide
to myself, enough with the fucking thinking! Act on it, Will. I pull
him close and reach up, kissing him as hard as I can. He shuts up
immediately and just returns the kiss.
"Willow, Xander!" my mom screams loudly, "Dinner!"
We pull apart slowly, and I touch my lips, remembering how good it
feels to have his lips on mine. I smile wryly, "You stayin' for
dinner?"
He nods, "Christ Will, if I could help it- I'd never leave."
I shove him towards the door, "Go help my mom set the table."
He moves away from me but doesn't let go of my hand. He looks at
me, a confused frown crosses his features and I smile- God, he's so
cute. "What about you?" he raises one eyebrow skeptically, "The point
is for both of us to go to supper. They are your parents."
I drop his hand, "The parental-units can wait," I tell him,
walking over to my phone and picking up the receiver. "Right now I
need to call Oz and set up a time for us to talk for tomorrow."
He bites down on his lip, "Oh," he says softly. "You're gonna..."
I nod but say nothing. We stare at each other a bit and then my
mom yells again, "Willow, Xander- I dunno what you're doing in there
but the food is on the table!"
But we just continue to stare. "You know I still do love him
though, Xander," I finally say. Xander seems almost surprised, I
really haven't known Oz that long so he probably didn't realise I had
strong feelings for him. "I do," I continue, nodding again. "And even
when I dump him, we'll have to wait awhile before we can kiss or -or
anything non-platonic like in public. I don't want to hurt him."
He nods, still not speaking. Xander's awfully quiet today, aside
from his sporadic rants and babbles. Cordy once mentioned he always
seems to babble when it comes to me. "And I'll think about him
sometimes Xander. Depending on how he takes the news, I may pout about
him or moon over him for awhile if he won't talk to me. And you better
understand that and not wig."
Finally he speaks, "I'll call Cordy tonight too."
I shake my head and switched the receiver to my other hand, "No.
That's too close to the Oz break-up. You have to do it in a couple
days."
"You're being so brave," Xander says, that crooked, half-smile
that makes me melt on his face again. "I though you were scared?"
"I am."
"Then why are you being so calm?"
"Because I have to be, Xander. Or else I'll just break down
crying now and never stop." He looks at me sadly and I wave at him to
leave, "Go, before mom busts an artery."
I start to dial the number slowly, and I can hear my best friend
in the kitchen, talking with my mom, "Will had to make an important
call, Mrs R. She'll just be a sec."
"And what were you two doing in there?" my dad asks. His voice is
suggestive, but I know he means it jokingly. Dad could never actually
picture me and Xander dating. He nearly freaked when he first found
out about Oz.
"Sorting out some stuff Mr R. Actually I was informing Wills of
how important she is to me." The phone is ringing now but I'm still
listening to Xander. Someone picks up and I recognize Oz's sister's
voice, "Yeah?"
"Hey," I say, swallowing, "Can I talk to Oz?"
"He's eating."
"I'll be fast."
She sighs and then there's a brief pause as she goes to get him.
I wait and I can still hear Xander and my parents.
"You been taking care of my girl?" dad asks, still doing that
faux-gruff thing to Xander.
Xander's voice seems thoughtful when I hear him answer, "Mr R, I
plan on taking care of her forever." I shut my eyes when I hear that
and try hard not to cry.
Just then Oz picks up, "Yeah?"
"Oz," I open my eyes and wish I could go back a few days and have
not kissed Xander. Then I never would of realised I still loved him.
And the fact that Oz loves me would still of been enough. I'd give
anything to go back. But I can't. I guess that's part of the growing
up thing. Going forward. No wonder Buffy hates it. "We need to
talk..."
*The End*

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