I'm Gonna Be Strong

Lovely Poet

I've never been in the Sunnydale Country Club's banquet hall
before, never had a reason too. It looks like it just came out
of some kind of fairy tale with all the chandeliers and the
streamers. I can see her standing in the corner from the door,
all alone. She looks like a princess, like she belongs here.
The dress makes her look prettier than I have ever seen her
before, even without smiling she looks perfect. I'm afraid to
approach her. After everything that has happened between us I
can't imagine she would want me to be near her tonight.

The music is blaring through the room, so loud that the bass beat
feels stronger than my heart beat ever has. I can't stay away
from here anymore, no matter how many times she has told me that
she doesn't want to be around me. This may be my last chance to
see her in a place that she can't make a scene, I'm not going to
pass up that chance. I feel like I'm frozen to the floor, but I
just keep getting closer to her, I must be moving.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

"I won a ticket." I cringe. This is not the time to try and
joke I remind myself. "I had to see you, I don't want to have
things left the way they were."

"You don't have any choice. I told you it's over, you just have
to deal with that. We have nothing left to talk about."

The DJ is starting a slow song. I don't recognize the music, but
I can tell the song isn't a happy one. I put my hand on her
shoulder to stop her from turning away from me. I close my eyes
afraid she's going to hit me, or just walk away from my touch.

"Dance with me?" I meant for it to be a statement, instead it
comes out a scared question, dammit. Why can't I ever be sure of
myself when it comes to her. She doesn't say anything, just
takes my hand from her shoulder and holds it in hers and wraps
her other arm around my shoulder. I hear the words of the song
from a million miles away.

I can see you're slipping away from me
and you're so afraid that I'll plead with you to stay
but I'm gonna be strong.
I'll let you go your way.

"You look incredible tonight, not that you don't always look
incredible but tonight..." I stop talking before I say anything
that I'll regret. I don't want to make this harder on either of
us. I just focus on the music and try to ignore the fact that
she is so close to me. I want to hold her closer and kiss her,
claim her as mine forever.

Love is gone.
There's no sense in going on
and your pity now
would be too much for me to bear
So I'm gonna be strong
I'll pretend that I don't care.

"Why couldn't you just stay away?" I can hear the tears in her
voice. I open my eyes for the first time since the music started
and I see how scared she is. I wonder how long she's been hiding
this from me.

"I tried. I really did, but I just couldn't let things end
without at least saying goodbye. I know that I hurt you, I never
meant for that to happen." My mind flashes back to the night of
the "incident." I can't bear to call it anything else. "I don't
need you to accept my appology, I just need you to know that I
had to say goodbye."

I'm gonna be stong
and stand tall as I can
I'm gonna be strong
and let you go along
and take it like a man.


"I understand. I wanted to say goodbye, but I was afraid you
wouldn't want to listen to me after I walked away." I can tell
there is something else that she wants to say by the way she's
biting her lower lip. God, that makes me want to kiss her. She
just looks so hurt. I want to take the pain away, mostly because
I know I caused most of it. Her eyes meet mine and she just
stares at me for a minute.

"Listen, I know-"

"No, don't say anything. It's my turn to talk. We're over,
we've been over since that night and we both know it. I can't
pretend that we can ever go back to the way things were." I
don't want to here any of this even though I know it's all true.
I just want her to stop talking and kiss me once more before we
go our seperate ways. "We weren't ever meant to be together. I
mean we were born enemies, this was some weird cosmic joke and we
were the punch line."

"Don't say that. We weren't a joke."

"I didn't mean that. All I meant was..." She falls silent and
once again I concentrate on the song to keep from screaming
everything I want to say.

When you say it's the end
I'll hand you a line
I'll Smile and say don't
worry it's fine.

"I loved you. Part of me always will. But we both knew nothing
was ever going to come of it. We need to let go of the past, I
can't live in "what was" for the rest of my life." I close my
eyes to hide the hurt. She leans up and gives me one last soft
kiss, barely a peck on the lips. I know I'll see her again
before we part forever, but I know this is the last kiss. I feel
her arms leave me.

"I love you Cordelia." I can barely hear my voice, but it
doesn't matter. By the time I open my eyes she's gone. I feel
the tears and the hurt and all of my anger at myself burst.
There, in the middle of my senior prom, surrounded by people I
never cared about, I realize what I've done.

and you'll never know
darling after you kiss
me goodbye
how I'll break down

and cry.

I wipe my face roughly, can't let them see me cry, and walk out
of the prom with my head high and my heart breaking. I look
around one last time as I leave. There in the corner holding on
to each other for dear life, not dancing, just being, two couples
who know the worth of what they have.

"God," I whisper quietly once I'm outside, "please don't ever let
them know what this feels like." And I let the tears fall

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