I Wish

Sapphire

A break.

I asked for a break.

What the hell was I thinking?

A break isn't going to fix this. Isn't going
to stop this wrenching ache inside. It isn't
going to make it easier to face the realization
that I found the one man in this world that can
make me happy, but can never have him.

Life is way harsh.

How can one man be the man of your dream *and*
your nightmares simultaneously? I wouldn't have
thought it possible before I met him. I wouldn't
have thought it possible before that night,
either. And now it's even worse.

I asked him to play the part, to pretend to be
Angelus, but I didn't really think about what I
was asking. I couldn't have known. I couldn't have
known what it would do to me to see him like that
again. Taunting, threatening, evil. Although, this time,
when I looked in his eyes, I didn't see the eyes of a
demon staring back at me when he said the horrible words.
I saw *him* instead.

It should have made it easier to take, knowing that he was
acting and doing this for me.

It didn't.

Those eyes looking at me with those words coming out of his
mouth...

Well, it isn't something I will forget for a very long time.

Watching him kiss Faith was not on my list of fun things to do,
either. I could have lived without seeing that for the rest of
my life, and been pretty darn happy about it.

Faith.

There lies a whole new kettle of fish. Nasty, rotten, smelly
fish. In a rusty kettle, even. I missed the chance to be
around Kendra much before she died. I wanted to make up for
that with Faith. We have a bond like no other, both slayers,
oddities of the world. I wanted us to be sisters in slayage,
so to speak. We have had our differences, but nothing
prepared me for the hate that spewed forth tonight. I have to
tell myself that Faith is just hurting, in a place that I can't
reach her, and that she will turn out okay. It's the only way
I can sleep at night. How easily it could have been me, it
occurs to me. But then, maybe not. I have a mother that loves
me, friends I adore, a watcher that has stood by me, and a
man that loves me beyond all imagination.

Yet, I feel completely alone tonight.

That brings me back to Angel. My dream come true.

My worst nightmare made manifest. When I have angst
I sound like Giles, don't I? I have noticed this.

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I stayed away from him as much as possible at first,
but it was hard when he was so weak. He needed me.
I needed to be strong for him. To make amends. I needed
to settle my debt. Help the man I love. The man I know
that I can never have.

I was right when I said that we aren't friends. We aren't
and can never be. If we are around each other, we will be
together. There is no middle ground. Even when I *know*
that as a couple we are doomed, there is no middle ground.
We are inevitably drawn back to each other.

It's so unfair.

So many people live their whole lives searching for someone
to love them like he loves me.

He tells me that it's enough to be around me, to talk to me,
just to feel. I feel like I have to to be careful around him.
It isn't fair to rub his nose in what he can't have. For me,
the sex part isn't that bad. I love him and I *do* want him,
but I suppose knowing that I'm not the one who will lose my
soul and that *I* could do it makes me feel better. I don't
want him to suffer. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable
around me.

He deserves more.

More that I can give. More than he can ever have.

It's so unfair.

Hasn't he suffered enough? He lives with the things he
has done every day of his life. The screams of every person
he killed haunts his sleep. Why must he live without love
to comfort him?

I can't handle this anymore. Something has to change.
I find it ironic that just when I had let go, said my
final goodbyes and moved on, he came back. It was like
some big ball of fate somewhere laughing at me. Maybe
we are both doomed to be unhappy. We can't be happy
together, I realize now. It just can't happen. Eventually,
*it* will get in the way. If we see each other all of the
time, it will never get easier.

But if he is close, inevitably, we will see each other.
We can't stay away. We never could.

I think of all of the college brochures sitting in my room.
I think of these because of one conversation that Angel and
I had. He told me that as a friend, he thought I should
leave Sunnydale. Perhaps this was his way of realizing
that we can't stay together. Perhaps he knew then that we
were a bad idea. Perhaps I should do it. I have thought
about going wherever Willow goes. My SAT's have ensured
that I would probably get in, despite my grades. Giles
says that good SAT's gives good universities a major happy.
I don't know if it's true or not, but I have been thinking.

I just love him so much that it makes me physically ill to
think about leaving him. It would be like cutting myself in
half and leaving half of me here in Sunnydale. While it is a
gross and disturbing mental picture taken literally,
metaphorically I would be doing just that. I'm not ready for
that yet. He's not ready for that yet. I'm not sure I can let
go so easily. I need some more time to think.

I wish I didn't want him like I do.

I wish I didn't love him so much.

I wish we could be together.

I wish I didn't have to leave him someday.

I know I must...but not yet.

I have time for more wishes, and on the Hellmouth,
anything is possible.

So I wait.


The end

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