Trying To Understand

Rae

I honestly don't know when it happened. One minute she was all mopey
over Angel and the next...she's with Spike. She didn't hide it from us
this time- which I am very thankful for- but I can't say I was
surprised when she announced it. Giles went nuts, lectured her about
her responsibilities and duties and mental heath problems and Xander
just about burst an artery ranting about it over the next month. But I
was normal. Which worried me.

This was Spike after all- he'd tried to kill us countless times, locked
Xander and me in a basement once and now, my best friend had developed
the hots for him and I was...happy for her. Not happy about her being
with Spike but I was happy that she was happy. Or something. Because
she was happier. Happier then I'd ever seen her with Angel. Because
even through the good stuff with Angel, there was always some kind of
underlying sadness. Probably attributed to Angel's fave pastime of
brooding and angsting. That could totally rub off on a person.

When I wouldn't help Xander talk her out of it he gave me the silent
treatment for a week. Until I threatened to find Oz at the Bronze and
get back together with him. Xander, being the insecure and
rediculously jealous twenty year old he is, immediately made it up to
me. In a rated NC-17 sorta way. One of the perks of Xander and me
actually being a couple.

But I'm on my way to Spike's. Xander's supposed to come by with Buffy
and so I gotta wait with Spike. We're celebrating Buffy's twentieth b-
day it'll be my first time alone with Spike since the kidnapping thing.
It's been years but I'm still shaking and sweating and...oh god it's
horrible.

I enter the place without making much sound but he's waiting for me.
It's this mega-eery vamp thing. They have incredible hearing. Can
"sense" people's heartbeat's and all that bullshit. "Willow," he says
simply, nodding his head.

I give him a weak smile, and I immediately regret it. Just cos I'm
scared- I need to show it to a ex-homicidal vamp? "Hey Spike."

He's standing by a long bar and I can see the walls behind are filled
with alcohol. "You drink alot, huh?" I ask.

He shrugs, "Being non-psychotic and cruel is a bit of a change.
Torturing your victims is a good way to get out vampire bitterness so
now that Buffy's told me to stop I like to drown the anger in a
bottle," he offers me a glass, "You want some?"

I don't drink much. Still the same good girl I was all those years
ago. Ten- sixteen- twenty, god will I ever get over my severe
pathetic-ness? I nod and take the glass, "Sure."

He watches me as I drink and then admits, "I have to say, I didn't
think you would. You don't strike me as the drinking type."

"And you don't strike me as boyfriend material for Buffy, but do I
comment?"

He's quiet for a bit, pondering what I'd said, I guess and then he
says, "I'm sorry, y'now. All those things I did to you. And that boy.
Xander. Locking you two up, and the whole interrupting your lover's
spat."

"It was quite an entrance," I agree. "But actually we weren't lovers."

"Oh," he seems surprised, "Buffy said-"

"Well," I can feel myself start to blush- why am I standing around with
a vampire discussing my social/sex life? "We-we are now. The past
couple months we've been together but not when you kidnapped us..."

He looks up at me and asks the question I've been dying to ask about
him and Buffy ever since I got there. "What changed?"

I smile, thinking about it and reply, "I dunno. One day we
just...realised we were ready for a relationship. I think we were in
sync for the first time ever. Usually he'd like me when I wasn't into
him, and I'd like him when he wasn't into me."

"Would you think the Slayer and I, we're a good couple?"

"You're unconventional. But I'm glad you guys are dating. I've never
seen Buffy this happy in all the time I've known her. She doesn't have
to worry about you losing a soul-"

"Cos I don't have one," he agrees, smiling wryly. He pulls out a
cigarette and lites it.

I watch him in fascination, "Do you love her?"

He seems at a loss for words finally and then he begins to cough. From
the question or the cigarette I don't care. "Because not to put any
pressure- if you're just using her as a roll in the hay or rebound
girl-"

"I love her," he admits, refusing to look at me. He stares at the
cigarette in his hand with complete fascination. Then he looks up at
me, "But if you tell her that I'll slit your boyfriend's throat."

"You won't win any popularity points with me that way," I tell him,
trying to fight back the sudden fear I'm feeling. He could do it too.
Unlike Angel, Spike doesn't have a soul so we have to rely on the fact
he'd won't go all homicidal on us purely on trust. Which Xander
doesn't do much, but I'm known for being sorta optomistic and trusting.
Like, to a fault.

He smiles. "I'm sorry," finally he returns my gaze, "I don't mean that.
I wouldn't hurt you that way. Not when I know how much losing Dru hurt
and how losing Buffy would feel. But the Slayer and I- we haven't
gotten to the saying ëI love you' bit, yet."

I nod. "Yeah- Xander and I neither. I'm so scared to tell him but I've
known him my whole life. We used to tell each other everything but now
I can't even say this." I peer at him and put down my drink on the
counter, "Are you afraid to tell Buffy?"

"Bloody petrefied," he confides. "It was never like this with Dru. Me
and her just slept together until one day I just blurted it out. She
returned the notion and we were officially a real couple. But
Buffy..." he shrugs, "I dunno if she's told you but we have." He grins,
realising maybe his comment was too vague and then continues, "Slept
together, I mean."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I trust you. Buffy trusts you. And being a vampire can be a lonely
thing, which Angel can attest. I have no one I can talk to about my
feelings for Buffy. Giles doesn't trust me- Buffy's told me all about
your boyfriend's thoughts on vampires and-"

I feel the need to defend Xander. I don't want Spike to hate him.
"Xander is very hard on vampires. He doesn't get that some can be
less...annoying then others. Our old best friend Jesse was turned and
Xander had to kill him- he hasn't forgiven vampires or himself since
then."

"Yeah but the wanker doesn't hate himself, does he?" replies Spike.

I nod, he has a point and say, "True. But then again he sorta does.
Not hate himself but I think deep down he's been disgusted that he
could do that to Jesse."

"So because your boyfriend went through a life-trauma I should forgive
him?" Spike seems flabbergasted, "Christ, I died. I got killed, I rose
and now I'm stuck sucking blood for the rest of my immortal life- but
do I try to pawn my problems on other people?"

I raise an eyebrow at him skeptically, "Oh please...you've never blamed
Angel for killing you...or for stealing Dru or...bull. You hate him
and you blame him and you know it."

"You're a smart one," Spike says as he puts out the cigarette. He
watches me, smiling a little. "Buffy always said you were the brains
of the group."

"Yeah," I nod, "I'm a regular Velma." Spike watches me strangely and I
remember who I'm dealing with and continue sheepishly, "Sorry, pop
culture reference you wouldn't be aware of. Velma- Scooby Doo...you
ever watched it?"

He shakes his head and I give him another sheepish grin, "Too bad. You
missed out," I assure him, "Classic."

He returns the smile. "When Buffy announced we were a couple- weren't
you the only one who didn't care?" He was paying attention. Cool.

"I was worried at first. That maybe you'd have the same bad influence
type affect on her as Faith, but that was probably just my good girl-
ness coming through again. Imagine when my astonishment when you made
her better."

"Better?" his tone boredered on disbelief, "Are you insane? How could I
make the slayer better?"

"She's happy."

Silence for a bit again and I finish off the drink. I think to myself,
ëAnd a happy slayer is a hardworking slayer. Besides, when happy-
she's way more fun to party with. Mopey, manic depressive is way less
fun.' Spike pulls out a cigarette and is about to light it when I hear
Buffy and Xander from above us. Sneaking in from the upstairs of the
mansion. Spike took the place over again once Angel went to LA. Spike
looks at me and rolls his eyes and then says loudly, "Luv, I know
you're there. Your fashion-impaired friend makes a lot of noise so I
suggest you try to ambush me solo next time."

"He's not fashion-impaired," I say, hitting him on the arm lightly,
"He's original."

"That's good Will," Xander calls from above, "Stand by your man!"

Buffy and Xander walk down the steps slowly but once Buffy hits the
ground she breaks into a run until she reaches Spike. They embrace and
begin kissing hungrily.

Xander slowly walks towards me and smiles, "Hey Willster." He kisses
me quickly on the lips and then we turn towards Spike and Buffy who,
coincidently, are still making out. "And you approve of this?" he
asks, disgust evident in his voice.

I look at my boyfriend who's watching them with a disturbing intrest
and think, ëthat better be friendly concern 'cos if you're just jealous
'cos he's doing Buffy and you're not...' but all I say is, "Yeah I do.
In fact, I love them being together."

"I love us being together."

I feel a warm blush beginning and I'm sure my cheeks have just turned
pink. I'm not used to Xander saying stuff like that about me yet.
"That too." Then, as Buffy and Spike finally pull apart, I suggest,
"You guys, being that's its dark and all- you wanna go out to eat?" I
glance at Spike who doesn't eat, "Or uh-"

He shakes his head, "It's fine, Willow. I can eat, you know. It's a
personal choice."

"Right, he just won't get any nutritional value out of it," Xander
added. And since when was Xander a vampire expert?

"No slaying tonight, though, right? My last three birthdays have sucked
way too much I think now would be the time to make up for it."

Spike grins and twirls Buffy out of his arms. Then they hold hands and
walk in front of us. Xander breaks away from me and catches up to
Spike and taps him on the shoulder. Xander gets along better with
Spike then he did with Angel- probably cos he's over Buffy now, or so I
hope, and Spike turns to my boyfriend. I grab on to Buffy's arm and we
walk arm-in-arm so as to allow the boys time to chat. "Yeah, so um,
I've alays wondered- can vamps get blood bellies?"

"Blood bellies?" Spike repeats and Buffy and I look at each other,
rolling our eyes.

"Yeah. Like when people drink a lot of beer, sometimes they develop
beer bellies so I'm wondering..." Xander babbles on and Spike responds
with a very British insult, something Xander probably doesn't even know
the meaning too. Xander replies to that, some inane comment he expects
us to laugh at but we're ignoring him. I can hear the boys arguing and
it's idiotic. I shake my head and sigh.

Buffy looks at me again, "How the hell did we end up with them?"

"Someone slipped crack into out diet Dr Peppers'?" I suggest.

Buffy giggles and we speed up our pace, trying to leave the boys
behind. I hear Xander say something- I think he called Spike ëDead Boy
the second', a referance to his old nickname for Angel and Spike grabs
him by the shirt and growls at him, low and menacing. Buffy keeps
walking but I don't have as much confidence in Spike yet. I turn and
wag my finger at Spike, "Hey, watch it. Fight verbally if you want but
could you refrain from eating my boyfriend?"

Xander grins proudly so I add, "I mean, if you kill him- how else will
I get smoochies? I'll be deprieved!" and his grin disappears.

Spike loostens the grip and says to Xander, "No harm done, right mate?"

I smile, them no longer trying to kill each other and hook arms with
Buff again. ëGood job', she mouths to me. I smile even broader, proud
of myself.

"You got yourself a good girl there," Spike says and I react with mixed
feelings to this. On one hand I'm glad Spike likes me but on the other
I hate that he refers to me as a ëgood girl'. Again. That's me.
Forever after.

"Don't I know it," Xander says and he sounds almost awed. This time
there's no mixed feelings. As much as I loved Oz, I can't help but
admit I've never loved anyone as much as I love Xander. And it's
awesome to know he feels the same way.

We reach the car and stand outside, waiting for Xander to unlock it.
Finally Buffy speaks, "Are you idiots done fighting and gushing about
Will and me? We're sorta starved." Xander unlocks the door, "Willow's
in the front with me."

Buffy grins wickedly, "Spike and I have the backseat..."

Xander ignores that. "Let's go," he says and we get into the car. I
get in and the other do the same. I look back at Buffy and Spike and
it's true- I really am happy for them. It's great that they're
together and I hope they stay that way without Spike going psycho. And
as long as Buffy trusts him, so do I. Although, that didn't work out
well with Angel. So we drive off with Xander complaining that our
friends in the backseat are sitting to close together and with me
wondering why life wasn't like this sooner. Everything would of worked
out so much better.
*the end*

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