That Wierd Ache

That Wierd Ache

Rae

Oh God, what had I been thinking? I thought I was finally over
Xander. Like, really over Xander. In that ‘thinking of him as only a
friend' way. I mean let's not get carried away- I still loved him but
when I saw him with Cordelia it sort-of...hurt less, I suppose. Like
I was moving past my feelings. I hardly even thought of it. I knew I
didn't love Oz. He's sweet and I like him alot but the fact is...? You
can't love someone after knowing them a couple of months. Not in real
life, anyways. On those Saturday morning pre-teen sitcoms...the ones
where each character has a new love interest per season even if it's
someone their best friend used to date? They fall in and out of love
like that. They treat it like some perfect, wonderful thing. But it's
not. It sucks. Or, it can suck. It can also be cool, I guess, if
whoever you love loves you back...
So howcome now that I know Xander feels something for me I'm still
feeling crappy? The weird thing is, I've always been sorta resentful
of Xander's cluelessness. That time I put cream on my nose to re-
create that moment in the park and he made me feel stupid; when I told
him, "You'd rather be with someone you hate, then be with me?" and he
still didn't get it. I was so hurt. I wanted him to know how it felt.
That's when I hit on Oz in his van. And he wouldn't kiss me. He knew
it wasn't the right time and I wouldn't be doing it for the right
reason. Oz was- is so great. But Xander...
But now, as I think back and wonder how the hell I got into this
mess I realise maybe feeling something for me has been sorta building
for a few months? When he snapped at Oz in self-defence class for
tucking the tag back in my shirt? At first I thought, insanity? stress?
whatever but maybe there was something behind his words. That tone.
"Hey buddy, this is a public forum!"
And when Cordelia complained that he was always talking about me
and Buffy...I guess that should of clicked as weird. Plus he did
choose me over Ampata. I really have to think about this.
I get up and walk over to my closet, trying to find something to
wear. Xander and the rest of our group are supposed to be meeting at
the Bronze in thirty. And now I have to be self-conscious of the fact
that both Xander and Oz might be looking at me. Like, looking at me.
I lazily look through the clothes, trying to find something to wear.
Something nice. Oh shit how I hate this.
Why the hell did you kiss him, Willow? True, considering this was
your major fantasy from like, the moment you developed hormones on and
you'd of been crazy to say no but- There's gotta be a rational for
this.
"A clothes fluke. And they'll be no more fluking!" But there was
more. The flukes just kept happening. No kissing, that would be too
much guilt but those looks we keep giving each other. And when we held
hands in my room while trying to figure out what the hell was happening
between us and with Buff and Cordy, and oh God...we played footsie in
Study Hall! Who does that? It's not normal!
We'd been so distant lately too. When he came over to get ready
for Homecoming, that had been our first real conversation since he and
Cordy first started dating. What was that catty comment I'd made to
Buffy about the two of them? Something like..."What's his number? Oh
yeah, 1-800-I'm dating a skanky ho..." Very unlike me. Very petty.
And Oz is...amazing. I really, really like him and it's totally not
his fault that I don't feel the same way about him that I do Xander.
In fact I wish I did. It would make things simpler.
This is hopeless. I hear suddenly a sound outside my door. One
of the annoyances of having a door to the outside of your house in your
room, people often come by at annoying hours. Although sneaking out
would be easier...if I ever actually snuck out. Oh well. So I go over
to my door and peer through the slits.
I freeze, my eyes wide.
Xander.
He's outside my door, and he gives me this look. A-sorry-for-
dropping-by-without-warning-but-please-let-me-in look. I moan and open
the door. "Xander, what are you doing here?" I glare at him, my
hands on my hips, praying that my body language is telling him to
leave.
He enters my room and immediately goes over to my bed, "Well it
occurred to me, why are we both going tonight?"
I sigh and respond, "Because Buffy had a night off and rather then
spend it mooning over some lost boyfriend or studying with the school
librarian she wanted to Bronze-it tonight."
"Oz and Cordy are still gonna go," he reminds me, as if I need him
too.
"Ok, one- Cordy and Oz can hardly stand each other. Cordy and
Buffy can hardly stand each and other and most of all, Oz is still
sorta awkward with you guys. So why would we leave Buffy alone with
them?" I give him my best duh-you-moron look and wait for him reply.
"Because I wanna be alone with you," he's in puppy-dog mode again
in that way that always got to me and I have to forcibly restrain
myself from grabbing him and kissing him right there. Think Willow, I
remind myself, think of Oz.
"Xander," I look into his eyes and change my tone to something
softer, "We aren't dating."
His smile changes somewhat. Or, not really his smile but his eyes
suddenly look sad. He tries to not let it show but I know him too
well. "We can't, I know. But it's not fair to either of them Will.
Whenever I think of my girlfriend, I think of you. Like we were born
dating, or whatever."
Born dating? I giggle at that image. Me and Xander at three years
old, making out in a sandbox. He likes that he made me laugh and we
sort of gaze at each other for a bit.
There's silence for a few minutes, us just staring at each other
and then Xander takes a step forward and asks me, very politely, "Could
I kiss you?"
I want to say yes. I really do. And I'm about to but the word
that comes out of my mouth is the one I know is right. "No, Xander
it's hard enough knowing we kissed once. I don't want to-"
"I don't mean some major face sucking-fireworks-inducing-tongue-
wrestling thing. I just wanna kiss you," he smiles at me again, almost
pleadingly.
I nod reluctantly, giving in to the whole lust thing, and we move
close immediately. He lightly puts his lips on mine but only moments
later, we haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet, he pulls away.
And I wish he would kiss me again. Only for longer. "Oz-" I begin
but my voice is cracking. I clear my throat and try again, ignoring
the ache I feel deep down in my chest, "Oz is gonna be here soon to
pick me up. You better leave."
He nods, without argument and I almost wish he had put up a fight.
I doubt it would of taken much convincing from him for me to fold
again. He always had this weird power over me. It's sick really, very
destructive. And I was always resentful over how much he meant to me
and how little I mean to him. But maybe I meant more to him then I
ever thought. And maybe I have more power over him.
He goes over to my door and opens it, but then pauses at the
threshold. He looks back at me and gives me the half-grin that used to
make me melt and unfortunetly, now does again. "Hey, if I don't show
up tonight at the Bronze, tell Cordy I'll call her tomorrow?"
"What?" I walk over to him and grab his arm, "Why the hell
wouldn't you go?"
He shrugs.
"Please go," I say softly, "Don't make this harder for everyone."
I tug on his arm and realise how close our heads are. I noticeably
smell his breath for the first time. Dentyne Midnight Mint gum. He'd
been chewing it, obviously, right before he came over and he smells
good. It's staggering how much I want to kiss him. I start to move
in closer but then I think of Oz.
"Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, y'now not thinking of class
'cos that would never happen- I think about kissing you. And it's like
everything stops. It's like, like freeze frame...Willow kissage."
Up until a few months ago no guy had ever seemed to think about
Willow kissage. Like, ëWillow' and ëkissage' didn't belong in the same
sentence together. Or paragraph even. Specially for Xander.
"I love Willow. And she's my best friend. Which makes her not
the type of girl who I think about her lips much."
But now, now there's two guys and I don't know what to do. Who to
pick. The guy's who's better for me or the guy I've always loved.
"Love makes you do the wacky," I remember telling Buffy once. This
isn't so much wacky. Wacky is good. This is bad. Cheating is very,
very bad. Do I love Xander? I stop moving in closer to Xander.
"G'night," I whisper softly, even though it kills me to have to let him
go.
Especially when I know it'll get worse tonight. I'll have to
watch him and Cordy together and try not to let Oz see how uncomfy I am
with it all.
"Cancel with Oz," he tells me, "Say I stopped by without warning
and offered to give you a lift." He looks so hopeful. I almost cave in
but then I think of something.
God, why do I always have to be the rational one? I wish for once
I could just not care about anything but how I felt and just go with
it. "Xander, up until a week ago we'd hardly spoken in months. Now
suddenly we always make plans and we sit together in classes and-"
The hopeful look is still evident on his face, like nothing I can
say could convince Xander that we're not gonna be together. After
years of ignoring me suddenly I'm all he thinks about? I almost think
that maybe this is some cruel spell or trick or...or...well, something
that's not our fault. Something someone did to us. This is the
hellmouth, afterall. Maybe something has made us- I dunno, fall for
each other. But I know this feeling. I've felt it since we were kids
so I knowit can't be fabricated. It's this weird ache I get, deep in
my chest where it's always been and where I assume it will always
continue to be.
I bite my lip, "Xander no. Leave," I point to the open door that
he's half out of.
He watches me a moment, sees that I'm serious and nods his head.
"Okay Will." I release a breath, relieved. Soon I can just focus on
Oz. Stare at my photo of him and think about all those times he's been
really great to me when Xander was an asshole and get back into Oz-
likeage mode. But before I can react, Xander puts his arms around me
and pulls me to him, and then kisses me again. This time he doesn't
pull away before the good stuff.
And I let him. But then I hear something, my dad telling my mom
that dinner is almost ready and I know my mom will absolutely kill me
if she walks in and sees me and Xander making out. Her seventeen year
old daughter sticking her tongue down the throat of a boy who isn't
even her boyfriend in her very own house . My parents like Oz. They
think it's sweet how he dotes on me.
But they like Xander too. He's almost like a son to them. He's
come close to eating us out of house and home a few times. He's been
hanging around my house since we were kids. Practically babies. I get
the feeling though if they saw us in this distinctly un-sibling-y
embrace their esteem for Alexander Harris would definetly go down a few
notches. I push him away and look out the door, desperately hoping Oz
hasn't shown up early- in time to witness Xander and my little moment
of weakness.
He hasn't.
It would kill him too to see us like this. It would be like when
I saw Xander and Cordelia kissing in the library. It wasn't a fun
feeling and I'd never wanted to feel it again. And I wouldn't want Oz
to feel it either.
Xander and I look at each other a second. "Sorry," he apologizes,
"I got sorta carried away with the moment, there."
I shove him, hard, "Well don't ever do it again," a smile peaks
through and I add, "At least not until we figure out what we're doing
about Oz and Cordy. Once that's settled don't y'now, don't let me stop
you..."
He rolls his eyes at my babbling. "I swear. I will be in total
controlling my hormones mode from now on."
"Favor?" I ask. He nods. "Would you please not get all PDA with
Cordelia tonight? Don't be cold, y'now, she isyour gf, just try not to
- I mean well- just-" I don't know how to put into words what I want,
"Promise you guys'll come up for air?"
He laughs and tucks a strand of my newly-shortened auburn hair
behind my ear, "Promise. Ditto for you."
I give him a look. Like he even needsto tell me? "Just promise,"
he says, "Humor me."
I roll my eyes and oblige. His face lights up and he kisses my
cheek quickly. He's so cute when he's excited. Or hopeful. Or sad.
Or freaking out. Or- I think back on the time we sat in my room trying
to figure out what was happening between us, "Sometimes, when you're
falling to pieces, your mouth just does the sweetest thing..." And
that's when I new I couldn't just ignore what had happened between us
like we'd originally discussed.
"Till tonight, m'lady."
"I'm not yours yet," I reply haughtily, "So you better treat me
good."
"I always treat girl's good," he retorts, slightly offended.
"Sure, not counting that you treated me like I hardly existed for
years."
"I'm a boy. We're stupid. It's in our genes," he tells me then
turns and leaves. But he walks backwards to the car, watching me the
entire time. I smile as I wait for him to trip or slam into his mom's
car or something really Xander-like but he doesn't. At the last second
he turns and unlocks the door. Then he gets in, turns on the ignition
and drives the car off.
I leave the door open and step outside, realising it's sort of
dangerous considering it's dark and this isSunnydale but I stand at the
edge of the sidewalk and watch his car go. I sigh, then shiver. It
sort of cold so I head back in. I still have to change and then try to
concentrate on my Oz feelings for tonight. It shouldn't be so hard.
I walk over to my desk and pick up Oz's picture. He's not
smiling. He never does. And his hair's a bright red, just how I like
it. I grin, unable to believe that I have a boyfriend and that he's
so cool and cute and great, but then my smile vanishes as I glance over
at the picture next to Oz's. Xander giving me a piggyback ride. I
look from one to the other and sigh. When did it all get so
complicated? I put down the picture again.
Sometimes I really wish I hadn't invited Xander to help me come
over to choose an outfit for homecoming. Mistake much? But how the
hell was I supposed to know our hormones would do a major appearance
that night? It's not like either of us planned it. Not like we'd been
wanting to seduce the other. It just like, happened. And I wish it
didn't. But then again, I'm glad it did. Because no matter how I try
to deny it, I do love the moron and being with him is amazing. We
don't even have to kiss. Just him touching me makes me feel
all...tingly. I smile and pull a blue sweat shirt out of my drawer and
put it on. I can't do this anymore. I have to tell them. Cordelia
and I have been getting closer lately and although I don't consider her
my best friend in anyway, the thought of cheating with her boyfriend
still gives me major guilt-spasms. And Oz, who really seems to dig me
for reasons I don't even understand- I can't even get into the guilt
and reprehension I feel just thinking about what I've done behind his
back. I'll tell them. Tonight. I chang into a different pair of
jeans and sit down on the edge of my bed, my eyes drifting from Oz's
picture to the one of Xander and me. And I know that we had to. Right
now. I start to reach for the phone to call for Xander when my mom
opens the door and sticks her head in.
"Hey hon," she says, smiling brightly, "Dinner's ready. Dad tried
a new recipe so even if you can't stand it- be nice, 'kay?"
I nod and stand up. "I will."
"What time is Oz coming by?" she asks.
I almost wince but I manage to suppress it. "In about an hour."
I close my door behind me as we go towards the kitchen, "But I may call
and cancel. Xander offered to give me a lift and y'now he lives
pretty close so I may take him up on that offer."
She grins, "Y'now, we never see Xander anymore. The past few
weeks it's been almost like he disappeared off the face of the Earth
and that Oz took his place I was surprised to see him over the night
before the dance."
I suppress wincing again, "I get the feeling you'll be seeing more
of Xander again, mom."
"That's wonderful. Didn't he look cute in his tux?" she asks, all
motherly.
This is getting to be too much. We enter the kitchen and I sit at
the table. "Yeah, mom. Way cute." I cross my arms and burry my head
in them. I have to tell Xander. I can't keep doing this. It's
driving me nuts. The choice was to sacrifice Xander for Oz or let Oz
go. And I just don't think I can give up Xander. I don't even really
think I truly want to. But I still almost wish I did.
I look over at the phone by the table. I never thought I'd be so
scared of calling anyone in my life. Expecially Xander.
*THE END*

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