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Bek's Joke's
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Here are a few of my favourite jokes..
Animals
Women
Men
Blonde
General
Religious
Student
New jokes will have this symbol 
This page was last updated on the 20th November 1998
Animals
Fable of the Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since
his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had
eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked
around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up
against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,
thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he
hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They like a tight seal.
A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the
man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide
dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a doggie treat, and gives it
to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and
says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you
were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You
must really love that dog." The blind man turns to the visitor and says,
"No, I'm gonna kick the dog's ass-I'm just trying to find out which end is
which."
Women
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally
retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations,
Margaret, the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the
bridegroom, praying.
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a
man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really
believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that
whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided
to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when
her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped
out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I
married your sister."
Q. What do women and tornados have in common?
A. They both scream before they come and they take everything with them
when they leave.
The Women World Congress has been gathered.
The agenda:
1. All men are jerks.
2. There's nothing to wear.
3. Miscellaneous.
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach,
so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Top
Men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it,
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate,
waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"
Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer.When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains,
You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
Top
Blonde
Q. Why does NASA hire bleach blondes?
A. They're doing research on black holes.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes?
A. A mental block
Q. What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A. "Space. The final frontier.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks
studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to
her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says
"Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's
M!"
Top
General
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle --
Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit --
but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of
the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump
of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken
glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling
them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up
half way through their reply.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy.
Cause of accident:
Denver was being chased by 4 papparazzi on hang gliders
How Star Trek Fans Go Wild
1. Run programs from diskette without even scanning them for viruses.
2. Two words : "Dip sauce."
3. Change their chat handle from "Spock" to "Sexy."
4. Aim the telescope at the top floor and work their way down.
5. Get those expensive Chromium Oxide videotapes.
6. Pay their phone bill at the bank teller counter.
7. Wait for someone to answer the phone even though they were specifically asked to "Press 1 for customer service."
8. Go to a Halloween party dressed as Lt. Uhura.
9. At the supermarket, stroll down the vegetable aisle.
10. Read a book.
Your enjoyment of this will be much better if you sing.
DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
Top
Religious
CARDINAL: "I have good news and bad news, Your Holiness."
POPE: "What is the good news?"
CARDINAL: "Satan died today."
POPE: "What is the bad news?"
CARDINAL: "We are out of business.!"
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
The Apostle Peter was walking a group of new souls through the various levels of Heaven on their orientation tour. They first came to a building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were being taught. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were all the Budists. Then the tour stopped in on the
Jews in temple, and then the Hindus, the Catholics, etc. Finally Peter brought the group outside the building were all the Jehovas Witnesses were being taught. "Please be very quiet looking in on the Witnesses," Peter told the tour group. "Why is that?" someone asked. "Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."
Mary and Joseph are at the door of the inn:
Joseph : "Do you have a room for the night?"
Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - it's Christmas!"
Given :
a) There exists a single god called God.
b) God created the world in his own image.
c) The world is round.
Therefore, God is round.
Top
Students
A college student wrote home: "Am without friends or funds."
His dad wrote back: "Make friends."
Top
I wish to apoligise to anybody that is offended by the jokes, I think that they are funny. if you have any more jokes please email me.
Email: americangothic@earthling.net
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