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How do you keep a blonde busy all day.
Write 'Turn Over' on two sides of a piece of
paper.
A man was walking along the beach and found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so
he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man
for letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have
always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been
able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships
make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a
road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No,
I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the
work involved with the pilings needed to hold up
the highway and how deep they would have to be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed. No, that's just too
much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the
genie, "There is one other thing that I have
always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry,
why are they temperamental, why are they so
difficult to get along with? Basically, what
makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said,
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Subject: Southern Things You Should Know
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting
or moving to the South, there are a few things you should
know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North Has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all
ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog
or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and
is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people
are saying. They can't understand you either
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck
or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-
influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is
no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killn" is a valid
defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch
this, "stay out of the way. These are likely to be the
last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance
of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your
presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or
not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph
down the middle of the road, remember that most
folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is
the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own
their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen,
and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to
grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and
call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't
call 'em biscuits.
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton
came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now
there is the biggest horse's butt I've ever seen."
Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked
him and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary
Clinton appeared on the TV.
"She's a horse's butt too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over and knocked
him off his stool.
"Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton
country."
"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country! "
**********************************************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
**********
FOR SAFETY'S SAKE ...
- Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
- Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.
- Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to
pedestrians.
- Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
- Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are
related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to
be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is
even less. Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
*******************************************************************************
T Shirt for the day:
I came, I saw, I had no idea what the heck was going on, I Left.
**********
_________________________________________________________
Some of these are scary they're so real!!!
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
their e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom
breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project"
are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door
neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas
into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Submitted by Playfulbutterfly
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIRST CLASS>>>
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket
for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach then looks into
the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class
seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward
to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond replies, "I'm young,
blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain
of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her
assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "I'm young,blond and
beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot
says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the
blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much,"hugs
the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in coach. The pilot and
flight attendant, who were watching in rapt attention, together ask the
co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her
that the first-class section isn't going to New York."
Submitted by dmaida71
"Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel."
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I
asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map, and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they
look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had
a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to
save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and
got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that
Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know who's
luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her
on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly
he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number
is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yeah, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him
he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted
my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent
was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone
knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's
it! I knew it was a big animal!"
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out
okay.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
******************************************************
THE CARPENTER
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor
of
his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely
life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the
paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could
build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but
in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted
to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate
way to end his career.
When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the
house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is
your house," he said, "my gift to you."
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own
house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the
home he had built none too well.
So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather
than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we
do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the
situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we
have built. If we had realized that, we would have done it differently.
Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you
hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the only
life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that
day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity.
Your life today is the result of your attitudes and choices in the past.
Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you
make today.
The above was submitted by Playfulbutterfly
Internet Shutdown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's that time again!
As many of you know, each leap year the Internet must be shut down for
24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
a better-working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on
Feb. 29 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on March 1. During that 24-hour period,
five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet
users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and
efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam
and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of
Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the
public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where
your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other
sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by: Playfulbutterfly
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns,knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult,dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Submitted by: Playfulbutterfly
QUOTES:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.—Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."—Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."—Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.—Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.—David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before—Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas—Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.—Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.—Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."—Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Half this game is ninety percent mental.—Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.—Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.—Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.—Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.—Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.—Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.—Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.—Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.—A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.—General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
More comedy submissions from various sources can be found here:Comedy Cornercont.
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