| After the college boy delivered the pizza to X's trailer house, X asked:"What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth,"this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted X. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying?" asked X The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." |
| A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A Chinese bear-like mammel, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." |
| Did you hear that there was a plane wreck in Alabama. The little two-seater crashed right into grave yard. The rescue teams have already found 2468 bodies. |
| A Malaysian was driving down a farm road and saw a man sitting in the middle of a field in a rowboat, just rowing away. He stopped, got out and yelled across, "Hey buddy, what ya doing?" The guy yelled back, "What do you think, I'm trying to get to the other side of the field." Inflamed with furry, the man screamed "People like you give us Malaysians a bad name, -IF I could swim- I would come out there and kick your butt!! |
| In KL, 4 police officers were murdered yesterday. Two when the post office was robbed and two more when they did the reconstruction of the crime. |
| A guy goes to visit his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them. As they're leaving, his friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts." His grandmother says, "Yeah...since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em." |
| Joe gets a ticket to the Super Bowl from his company, but when he gets there, the seat is in the last row way back in the corner of the stadium. Halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat ten rows off the field, right on the fifty-yard line. He decides to take a chance, and makes his way around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe says to the guy sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?" The guy says, "No." Joe says, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?" The guy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't seen together since we got married in 1967." Joe says, "That's really sad. But couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend, or a close relative?" The guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral." |
| A Nobel Prize winning equation formulated!! After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success!! Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P(1)T = M(2)P = W/T(3) Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5) Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know. Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0. What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work. |
| An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale." "This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?" "Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore." The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams. "Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!' " |
| Little Johnny came home from school in tears and his Mum asked, " What's the matter,son ?" He replies " All the kids at school call me big head " She says " Don't worry son, everybody gets ribbed at school sometimes. Go and get me 5 pound of potatoes from the shop." He asks " How am I supposed to carry them ?" She replies " In your school cap." |
| There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, "The first one was a girl." The mother: "What did you name her?!?" Brother: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?" Brother: "The second one was a boy." The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him??" Brother: "Denephew." |
| An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" |
| A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" |
| "Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun." "WHat did you do?" "What could I do?" First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast." "How did you get away?" "I just left him and passed on to another cage." |
| A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice ... [barely audible] Hello! (Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911? [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) O.K., is your mommy home? [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) Can I speak to her, please? [barely audible] "No." (Operator) "Why not?" [barely audible] "Because she's busy!" (Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?" [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?" [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?" [barely audible] "Because he's busy too!" (Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?" [barely audible] "Talking to the police." (Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?" [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?" [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) "Why not?" [barely audible] "Because they are really busy." (Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?" [barely audible] "Talking to the firemen." (Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?" [barely audible] "No." (Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?" [barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!" (Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?" [barely audible] "Looking for me!" |
| This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. |
| An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..." |
|
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a streetcafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes... After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate". The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again." ------------------------------------------------------------------ An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The Engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The Physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd,declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The Mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought,he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ In some foreign country a Priest, a Lawyer and an Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The Lawyer is put on the block, anda gain the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free. They grab the Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..." |
| At school one day the teacher was thinking of ways to motivate her students. So she came up with the idea that for one week, she would say a quote, and the student who guessed who said it would get the rest of the day off. Each day Johnny would know the answer, only to get beaten to the punch by one of the girls. On Thursday the teacher asked "I have a dream". By the time Johnny could answer, Suzy yelled out Martin Luther King. On Friday the teacher asked "Ask not what you can do for your country,..." and before Johnny could say it, Jennifer yelled out John F. Kennedy. Johnny was furious by now and muttered "I just wish these dumb girls would keep their mouths shut". The teacher swung around demanding to know who said that. Johnny stood up and said "Bill Clinton. See you on Monday". |
| There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." |
|
VALUE OF TIME -
To realize the value of ONE YEAR-
Ask the student who has failed a class.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH-
Ask the mother who has given birth to premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK-
Ask the editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY-
Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE-
Ask the person who has missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND-
Ask the person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND-
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the
Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE NANOSECOND-
Ask a Hardware Engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time...
You must be a Software Engineer.
|
| Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid...you don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir ! Right Away !" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali said, "Yes Sir Right Away !" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is soooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes...Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed." Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss more worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can just call up to checklah!!!" |
|
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, " Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, " I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young son : Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ? Dad : That happens in most countries, son. Married life is very fustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbourslisten. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| Steve and Scott were hiking in the woods to go on a salmon fishing trip. For anyone who has never gone salmon fishing before, it can be very uncomfortable walking for any great distance. Wearing chest waders, carring a knapsack, dipnet, and a fishing pole can be quite a task, especially on a hot day. Well, one day they were told about a GREAT fishing hole, but there was about a 2-hour walk to get to it. Not having much luck all year, they decided the long walk might be worth it. About an hour into the walk, they came across a large bear directly in the path. Now, everybody knows, you should NEVER try to run from a bear. Instead, you stand still, and hope the bear eventually leaves. Well, the hours passed, the sun beat down, and the bear was still there. By this time, the sweat was pouring down off Steve and Scott. Plus, they were getting awful hungry, and, to make matters even worse, their beer was getting warm. All of a sudden, in a quick flash, Steve took off his knapsack and waders, dropped his pole and net, and began to run. Scott yelled out: "My God, Steve, you're not going to try to outrun that bear, are you?" Steve replied, "No, but as long as I outrun you, I don't give a s**t!" |
| A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." |
| An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to the rescue with a big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy still didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" |
| Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." |
