For anyone who's ever had to cook . . . or even eat what
is known as Jewish cuisine, here's the skinny (well, maybe
that's not the best way to describe it, but you
be the judge...)
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with
anything the House of Pancakes ever cooks.
In a latka, the oil is in the pancake.
It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.
Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but
NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in
the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake
and it burned for eight days. Although this is not
certain, it has been proven many times that if you've
eaten one, you'll have heartburn for the same
amount of time.
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It
consists of a simple mix of flour and water -
no eggs or flavor at all. When made, well,
it could actually taste like cardboard. Its
redeeming value is that it does fill you up
and stays with you for a long time. However,
it is recommended that you eat a few prunes
soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more
difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with
Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and
bow-tie macaroni noodles. Why a bow-tie?
Many sages discussed this and agreed that some
Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the
table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow
on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you
imagine the NJ Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop
tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland -
shortage of sour cream expected." Basically
this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old
days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use
parchment paper or plastic.
And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery,
onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to
cook it alone but to add it to the cholent
(see below) and let it cook for 24 hours
until there is no chance whatsoever that there
is any nutritional value
left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a
Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims
it began when a fortune cookie fell into his
chicken soup. The other claims it started in an
Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft,
hard, or soggy and the amount
of meat inside depends on whether it is your
mother or your mother-in-law
who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret
weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination
of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is
meant to stick to your ribs and
anything else it comes into contact with.
At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course)
someone heard this comment from a youngster who
had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans:
"What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!"
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter
in my fish pond and a few of them got rather
stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old)
looked at them and commented "Is
that why we call it 'Ge Filtered
Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp
stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable
mixture. Today it usually comprises small fish balls
eaten with horseradish ("chrain")
which is judged on its relative strength in
bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.