Freakazoid's Sidekick Chronicles

(Freakazoid is walking past pedestal statues of sidekicks: Foamy the freakadog, Fanboy, Handman)

Freakazoid: Ah, my search for a sidekick is like a love unrequited.(he comes to rest in front of a statue of a duck) This is yet another bittersweet story.I remember the night well.

(Scene: an alleyway where a thug is trying to take an old ladies purse. cue smoke.)

Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the pot that calls your kettle black. I am…

Freakazoid: Darkwing Duck!

Darkwing: Why must everyone step on that line! (irately waves his arms around then returns to stopping the purse snatcher) Halt you putrid pilferer and return the purloined purse to that poor old woman.

Freakazoid: See babe,(puts arm around Darkwing in a Christian Slater 'Heathers' sort of way. Darkwing raises eyebrow). That's what I love about you it's brilliant, it's (switches to Jerry Lewis) ESKIMO!

(Thug looks temporarily confused so lady grabs her purse back, whaps him with it and walks away)

Old lady: Humph!(turns nose up at Darkwing)

Darkwing: Now look what you did (quickly pushes Freakazoid's arm off his shoulder) you…(looks at Freakazoid)…freak?

Freakazoid: See this is perfect already! Most people call me Freakazoid or Mr.Cuddles.Can I call you Wingy?

Darkwing: No! (grumbles) [This guy must know Gismodunce]. Since I find my self with free time (sarcastically gestures toward the now empty alley) What can I do for you Mr. Zoid?

Freakazoid: I have come here all the way from beautiful Washington D.C. (sings it like a lounge singer)to tell you, Mr. Darkwing Duck, that you've won the wonderful chance to be my sidekick!!!! Yea!!!!!!(streamers and confetti fall out of no where hula girls dance out and throw leis over Darkwing's head) What do you say?

Darkwing: I'm not a sidekick.

Freakazoid: Yes you are! (kicks him in the side)

Darkwing (emphatically): No, I am not!

Freakazoid: What? Crud! Are you sure? You're name was on the list. (waves papers over Darkwing's head just out of reach)

Darkwing (menacingly): Give me that!

(Freakazoid nonchalantly hands him the papers and speaks as Darkwing begins to fume)

Freakazoid: I just don't understand it you came highly recommended from the Canardian Guardian…

Darkwing: It is very simple to understand…I am not a sidekick…I

Freakazoid: --look simply mah-volous in spandex!

Darkwing: I don't doo spandex.

Freakazoid: Oh yeah? (holds up photos of Arachnoduck and Drake in shiny 80's spandex aerobics wear with little wristbands).

Darkwing: Aye! Where did you get those.

(As he lunges toward the photos Freakazoid grabs him and a scuffle ensues)

Announcer: We now interrupt this program to bring you this important announcement. Drink Coo-coo Cola [but don't forget to brush your teeth or cavities will eat down to your nerve--oh]. Thank you.

(The dust cloud clears we see a happy Freakazoid and a now blue Darkwing in a fright wig and a freakacostume)

Freakazoid: Now off to D.C.! Fly Freakaduck! Whoosh!(Freakazoid starts running with his arms up and 'flies' away).

(Scene dissolves into the statue of Darkwing)

Freakazoid: I'll never know what happened to the little fellow. Maybe he followed a flock too far south (makes flapping birdie hands) and got caught in a jet engine. But I will always think of how great it would have been to have Freakaduck at my side. (lights fade on a crying Freakazoid)

(Back in the Tower)

Darkwing: For once I'm glad I can't fly. And I thought we had weirdoes in St. Canard!

Launchpad: Gee, I wonder how much he's payin'.

Darkwing: Don't even think about it.

Gosalyn: I don't know LP might look good in that.(points to the spandex suit she hung like a flag from the tower's pole)

Darkwing: Gosalyn!

Announcer: Tune in next week when Freakazoid continues his search for the perfect sidekick.

(Freakaziod is walking in a park and whistling "I was walking in the park one day" when a 'flying' object whooshes into him knocking him flat on his back)

Dan: Jess you're such a freak! Why don't you watch where you're going.

(Freakazoid sits up and looks at her while that romantic strain of music plays)

Announcer: Good night ladies, Good night ladies, Good night Ladies we have to leave you now.

The end.

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Disclaimer: Darkwing Duck, Launchpad and Gosalyn belong to Disney. Freakazoid and Mr. Announcer belong to S.S./WB. I am Jess and Dan belongs to me and Vice versa.
J Kwasny 1999