You
I stood silently outside your door, my long hair plastered firmly against my head, the pain in my chest screaming at me. I'd deserve it if you threw me out, I thought, the amount of times I'd come running back to you like some lost little child who couldn't care for herself. I could see it now, the look in your eyes, the pity in their platinum grey depths, the tufts of your beautiful navy hair falling between your eyes. I could feel it as you smiled and said 'Get a life, Jan.' and closed the door.
But not you. You would never do that to me and I knew it, but somehow I wanted you to. I felt I deserved it for being such a child, such a helpless...woman. I ran my hand hard across my face, trying to hide the fact that there were warm tears running down my face mingled with the rain. Bad enough to be coming begging a home, without crying and embarassing myself.
'Nothing could embarass you in front of Pixie.' my mind told me firmly, like a mother. Nothing could, except having my life torn apart because I couldn't make any man stay with me and love me. I always felt defective somehow, and often the only reason I didn't lose all hope was because your friendship proved to me that I'm loveable somehow, even if it was only as a friend.
Finally I worked up the courage to knock on your door, knowing that you'd be there for me no matter what. I lifted my fist and knocked firmly, hoping to give you some illusion that I could be strong despite. No such luck.
I bit my lip during the delay that followed my knock, as I heard the knob turn, as you opened the door and saw me, the surprise in your eyes and in your face, almost comical because you had that toothbrush hanging out the side of your mouth. You were so beautiful to me then, like nothing I'd ever seen before.
You were wearing a T-shirt and boxers, and your blue socks. I remember you looked tired, like you wanted to sleep like nothing else, until you saw me.
You'd cut your hair off.
It was strange to see you without your long, beautiful hair, that waist-length shimmering curtain. Not only had your hair been cut off to a shorter, more masculine length, but it had darkened somehow, naturally. It was almost black. But your eyes were the same, their depths framed by those dark lashes...I was so embarassed for you to see me standing there with my life in ruins when yours was so perfect, with a house and a job...
"January?" you whispered. I imagine I looked pathetic with my hair all plastered against my head and my eyes full of tears, every belonging I had in the two suitcases and box that sat behind me.
I forced my mouth to work, "Pixie...I...I'm sorry...I just...I need help..." I said, trying to keep my voice steady. It came out as a tiny whimper, then tears started falling...but I knew everything was as it should be when you reached out and took me in your arms, strong and gentle like you always are. You held me and your soft citrus scent wrapped around me like a reminder of the day when we were little that you promised me you'd never let anyone hurt me, ever. It reminded me of how you never have, and, when I wouldn't accept your protection, how you stayed nearby and swept up the pieces of my broken heart. I should have learned sooner never to discredit your advice, your instinct that would always shelter me from harm. I should have stayed with you...
Your large hand stroked my hair and you whispered, "Shh...Janni, what happened?" I just pushed my face against your firm, warm chest and listened to your heartbeat, twining my fist in your T-shirt and clinging to you like a child. It didn't matter anymore that I was pathetic and childlike because you were protecting me without even knowing what you had to protect me from.
I tried not to let myself think of it when I spoke, but you needed to know what was wrong..."I...Yuki dumped me, I lost my job...my apartment. My life screwed up...I..."
Saying it brought back that flush of pain when I'd got off the phone from Yuki, trying not to believe him when he said I was helpless, pathetic and useless...moments later the phone rang and I found out I was layed off...the first thing I did was pack and start heading to your house. Where else could I go? I knew what you'd say when you opened the door...
"You'll stay here with me and my little sister Xaolin until you're back on your feet." you said assertively with that sound in your voice, that 'this is final and you're not going back out in the rain' sound.
That 'you deserve better' sound.
I wasn't sure I did.
"Now come inside, you're soaked to the bone," you continued, "Change into dry clothes and I'll bring your bags in and get your things dry. You can have my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."
I just untwisted my shaking hands from your shirt and tried to let go. I could barely stand on my own, but somehow I managed to push away from you and walk to my suitcase, pulling out some flannel pants and a tank top, shivering violently. I glanced back at you and saw a gigantic wet spot on your shirt from where you'd held me. You didn't care, just led me to the bathroom and showed me your towels and the shower, if I wanted to have one...
You're too good to me, better than I deserve.
I quickly removed my soaking wet clothes and dried myself with one of your towels. I slipped into my pyjamas, and then took care of my dripping hair with the towel. I stepped outside the bathroom to find you standing there waiting for me. I walked with you out into the living room, where I proceeded to sit on your couch and stare blankly into nothing. I was hurting so bad it was almost beyond comprehension. You sat beside me after getting rid of your toothbrush and put your arm across my cold shoulders, rubbing them gently with your big hands. I felt secure for the first time in weeks.
"Are you okay, Janni?" you whispered.
"Not really." I said, trying to control my tears.
Your arm squeezed me and then you pulled me into a quick hug, "Well, you can tell me all about it." you whispered through my hair.
"Tomorrow..." I choked, trying not to let on that I wanted to sob it all out for you right then. My best friend, the only man I can trust, "I need to sleep." I whispered.
I tried to stand up but you could see my legs just wouldn't support me. You knew that I was breaking inside and that I needed your support like no other time in my life.
You smiled.
"Allow me." you said with your laugh like water falling over rocks in a river. You stood, bent over me and scooped me up in your strong arms like I weighed nothing, cradling me against your chest. I lay my head on your shoulder as you carried me into your room, only semi-tidy, and lay me on your freshly-made bed. Your sheets and your pillow were on the floor, you'd known to leave me something that still smelled like you - your light blue comforter.
Your little Sparkle, your pet, lay on the pile of your bedclothes on the floor, a little bigger than I remembered, but still an adorable purple fluffball.
You sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at me lying there, pale like an invalid. I forced myself to sit up, and brushed my fingers through your soft hair. It was soft like silk to my touch, and I liked the new length.
"Do you like it better this way?" you asked me, looking for my approval like it mattered.
"You looke more...masculine." I told you.
You tossed your head, shaking all that thick hair out of its style, and it fell all in your eyes. I watched as you ran a hand back through it, rubbing around the base of your antenna like you always did, "Thanks."
I bit my lip, the sorrow pounding through me again, "I'm so sorry...I should sleep on the couch..." I mumbled, not believing that you'd given me your bed.
"No, January." you said, putting your hands on my shoulders, "Sleep here. You've had quite a trauma and it's warmer in this room. You're still freezing."
"Okay..." I mumbled, giving in to my sleepiness. I lay down, snuggling my face against the pillow. You pulled my covers over me, tucking them around my shoulders and under my chin, stroking my face gently with your hand. I heard you picking up Sparkle...did you know I heard you when you spoke to the little guy?
"Watch over her for me." you said in a whisper. Then you lay him by the back of my head and left the room.
I buried my nose in your blankets and smelled your scent, that scent that was only you and no one else. Then I drifted to sleep knowing that everything was right.
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