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Well, now I remember why I don't like to keep up with the news. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=1&u=/ap/20040201/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_186 Three separate groups of killings in or near Baghdad. If I understood more about the statistics involved, I might be able to come up with a number to represent how probable it is that Kurt was in or near one of these places. Hurray for that thought. Brian and Jake better never go overseas. That'll just be it.

So I'm really freaked out, in general. I feel like I have added to the bad of the world, I feel that all my intentions as a "good person" can be called into question right now and point to me just being a "complacent person" or someone who doesn't necessarily stand anywhere at all.

I've had some really good conversations this weekend, some that got me thinking and trying to see things in a clearer light, but the questions that really nag me are the observations I made on my own, what I started questioning as I observed and realized what goes on around me. I was apparantly a "lone wolf" for some of the night. As I often separate myself from conversation from time to time in order to reflect on what is currently going through my mind. A lot of people say I'm quiet and seem to suggest that perhaps I shouldn't be. I tend to think otherwise. Although it is good to talk and to test my observations on other people so they can bring forth more questions and angles I haven't thought of, it seems that I should be observing more keenly as well. To really break everything down and understand what's going on. But then again people say I over-analyze too much already.

One of the alumni brought something into perspective for me Friday night. An issue I've been thinking through for quite some time now and should have been a little simpler, he took from a quite obvious approach that I simply hadn't considered. Hurray for him. So now I'm a bit closer to fully understanding it.

But as one gets closer to being reconciled, another begins. So seems to be the state of things. It seems that at this point, I have quite a few things to consider that I'm wondering how I'm going to go about doing any of it. It seems that the intellectual pursuit along with a mass amount of homework doesn't even out to enough time spent in either direction. Regardless, I really must catch up this week, quite desperately.

This weekend was cool for another reason I just thought of. As much as I love people in the party, it seems that I could understand some of the alumni better, from the relatively little amount of time I spoke with some of them, I found myself having a bit more in common with them, at least than what I expected. I really hope to get the chance to talk more with these people, and I'm sure I will.

I need to make a list of resolutions. And to adhere to them and make sure I do what I need to be doing for the rest of the semester. Like really getting into my schoolwork and really getting it done, refining/strengthening my moral framework, figuring out exactly what I think about certain things, start trying to answer those things I've just left as blank until now. A few conversations with Zaq have been quite helpful, about religion and such and piercings. It seems like this might be an appropriate time to attempt once more to assess my theology. I gave up four years ago, but perhaps this time I have better tools to do so.

On the other hand it feels like I've turned back into one of my more spiritual cycles, not necessarily through religion or faith but through how I experience certain things, I'm more concerned about the "soul" than the physical which is the only way to truely appreciate certain things. Now the "soul" is another issue. How can one have one without the existance of god. How does one deal with morality without god as a guide. How then does the world work, how is the world structured? How are piercings a spiritual thing and how is it different than masochism? What is the reconciliation between rationality and intuition and why? Why is something moral for one person and not another? Is that possible, how does one judge such a thing? Why would one leave it alone though, if one really feels this to be the case? How does one get the most out of something for oneself as well as being able to give the most to those around you? How can one tell if they have anything to offer that other person, and to what extent is that enough? How to my views about the world and my beliefs fall into how I want to live and my beliefs of how that kind of system I wish to operate in when I'm older and forced to live life realistically? How do I find a balance between social anarchy and traditionalism? How do I reconcile seeing something as a good thing but thinking the promotion or influence towards this is bad? What do I believe, what religious context can I identify with, but also how do I make that system confortable for me? Was an alumni right about dressing up for debates? What does it mean to lean towards a system because of the structure and features it involves without actually agreeing with its foundation? How do I reconcile being somewhat of a partial citizen of two very different worlds?


And most importantly, how to do I keep from exploding in the next four years?