From July 16-
"Last night was absolutely amazing. If I could have paused that moment in time, that eternal moment would make my life so completely satisfying.It felt as if things had gone back in time and they were how they used to be when I was happiest. Everything reminded me of when I was happy. I drove home and all I could think about were the times when I drove home from his house having had spent the entire evening with him. Without care, without worry, completely secure and completely happy.It?s amazing how bad I want those moments back. But last night was the closest I?m getting for a long time, and I?m going to milk it for all I can. Man I wish things would go back to that.
But it felt like I had gone back in time twice. Back on the one hand to how wade and I were a few months ago. But back even further to my sophomore year with Nick. He was back to how he was, talking like he used to, and we talked how we used to. That was nice. I had missed that.
And we were all talking around one table or another all night. For some reason, that is a concept, although rather new to new, I have fallen completely in love with. It seems that the best conversations sprout from sitting around the table, and everyone there is into them, physically and mentally. It seems so great. I want to spend a significant amount of time doing that. Or, like I said, I want to freeze last night into an everlasting moment. Something I can also go back to whenever I want. I would give anything for something like that to be there for me in a few months. I don?t know what else I could possibly ask for, but I know I want that like nothing else.
Nick seems to be considering moving to Connecticut, it seems to be something hes been thinking about for a little while. I don?t want to get my hopes up on anything anymore, but how wonderful would that be. I want nothing more than to have someone there.
I?m less edgy today, though I?m still slightly edgy. I can?t stand this anymore really, but today I can deal with. Yesterday I was going crazy. I just want everything back to normal.
I can?t wait to talk to wade today. I hope he talks about last night. In all my happiness and as much as I was just letting my mind go three hundred miles an hour, I couldn?t help but pause and notice that he looked sad. Maybe it was just me, or maybe he was just stoned, But he seemed to unmistakably sad. I?m not sure if he?ll admit it if he was, but I wish he would tell me all about what he was thinking last night. As much as I felt so close to him during those few hours, I couldn?t help but try to imagine what he was thinking. In a way I wish we would have ridden home with me so we could have talked alone for a little while, but at the same time, even I was reluctant to leave the happiness that seemed almost attached to the location. I hope he wasn?t as unhappy as he looked. "