Monday, 1 March 2004 - 1:10 AM EST

you know, I've been listening to Year Of The Rabbit alot lately, it's very good music. I'm listening to them at the moment actually, "Say goodbye"....good....good song. I dont have much of a clue on why I'm writing this post, I wander upon your site every now and then hoping to find something new and pretty to look at, but a slap in the face every time. but understandable although....busy isn't fun, I wish that I could say the same thing for myself, I'm not busy much...but it's my own fault, my motivation is at an all time low and the ambition that I wish to feel is sitting somewhere "between the waking world and a landscape of dreams". This whole college thing is far from what it's played out to be....but that's mostly my own fault, *shrug*. Midterms this week and after that is spring break, where I'll be doomed to, for some time, be in the place that I wished so hard to be away from, but at the same time want to be back to, at least it was familiar...I think I need that familiarity. I had something to bitch about there, I had a reason to want out, I had friends and good times and a routine...I "had it all", but not all...I guess I want it all, so when I have it I can sit back and say that theres nothing more that I need. It's just funny that the things you hate are those that, in the end, seemingly dictate a part of you. I don't feel empty, but far from complete, and I hardly have any reason to bitch....but I want to. I guess I'm just bored with this place already, I guess I'm just bored of what has been dealt to me...but I'll play my cards as I see fit, no reason to fold just yet. I need to find some new friends...there are people around here, but I'm so socially inept that the chances of even stricking up a casual conversation arent that great. maybe it's my fear of instant judgent or knowing that no matter what I say I'll be dooming myself. no matter how many times I reassure myself that what other people think of me just doesnt matter, there's always that nagging feeling of doubt in the credibility of my own defense mechanism, its a terrible thing.....and I'm tired....erg. I'm going to sleep....yes. hmm, now that choice between the continue button or the cancel..heh, why not. listen to year of the rabbit. apologies around for writing where I shouldnt....shitting into the ether again. looking forward to F11....jigity jigity jam!

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 10:48 AM EST

No, posting is good. People should comment more.
And I know exactly how you feel about "back home" and I think it's once we recognize this that we can move on. High school was great but only in it's later stages. College will be great in its later stages. It takes time. And you may not have much to bitch about now, but pay attention and something will come up.
Since I've gotten back from break I've felt a little better, I feel a bit more energy to direct and a few new ideas about how to direct it. Hopefully I'll get somewhere with that. And hopefully you will find something, I'm sure you will.
And yes, Year of the Rabbit is good, and it's better when your first introduction to them is live. They're pretty sweet.
As far as being social, I have sort of the same problem, but only towards the kind of people I'd like to meet. Everyone else I socialize with just fine.
You should post more often, and we should talk more often.

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 10:49 PM EST

highschool may have been great in the later stages....I guess. I honestly wouldnt know, I copped out on highschool, I took the easy route and missed out on some things. I suppose it doesnt really matter, if I hadnt have moved from ashland highschool I wouldnt be here right now, I'd probably be on my way to being a failure/dropout. I guess its a good thing in that way, but I still would have liked to have had the typical highschool experience. I think of that sometimes....but then I quickly boot myself in the ass and reassure myself that I'm an idiot. all these things that I feel as of right now will have no place in the future and I know that, and even though I like to take a day to day approach, keeping the future in mind isnt a bad thing to practice. I need something to take up all of my time...I wish I were constructive, wish I could creatively express things.....I like bunnies though.

Wednesday, 7 April 2004 - 1:15 PM EDT

The future gives us meaning in a way. It helps us project what we want to be eventually, what we want to do. Day by day just gives us a little more patience.
You're heading in a good direction. Life is essentially what you make of it, for the most part. You'll be happy and satisfied if you want to be. You just need to gradually figure out what that will look like.