Tuesday, 27 April 2004 - 4:42 AM EDT
Name:
Jah
It's 4:30 in the morning now. I have just finished reading "surviver" by Chuck Palahniuk, only two days after my completion of "lullaby" by the same author. perhaps it's because its so early and my mind seems fixated upon what I've just completed, or maybe its that fact in itself that I just finished reading something moving, and now my search for the same feeling has to continue. I havent read for a long while, perhaps it's because I got lazy and perhaps its because I am always left with the same feeling after I read the last page, it's almost as if I feel a little more empty, like I had something that is now lost. it's sad in a way. you read these books and for the few days while completely involved, it's like you have gained a new something special, you have something to turn to. these storys of fiction that encapsulate my mind for the time they are in my hand, and its like something new to hold onto. something that you wish will keep spilling onto new pages that should be blank. when the story ends, it's back to the same thing, it is so easy to be encompassed in fiction. these storys of fiction, they are like gateways to something new and interesting instead of the same old thing. this is why I feel differently after putting the book down for the last time, and now I search for more distractions. and perhaps its because it is so early in the morning and the words are still etched into my mind, it is always very early when I finish a book. and as weary as I am, perhaps there in lies the reason for why I feel differently. I suppose it must sound silly, I must sound a little silly right now, I dont know if you have felt the same about such things. kind of like after a concert that you've waited so long to see, and not knowing if you'll ever feel that sort of connectedness again, that you'll never reach that peak of where the music is hitting every part of you and twisting your emotions, how you can look to the stage and see your idols, your muses or your gods, all there, lined up in a row and performing just for you. I hate that feeling, that doubt and loss of excitment, and the worry of, will I feel this again? perhaps I'm being dramatic, perhaps its because its so early in the mornign and I know that I only have a few short hours untill I'm supposed to be up for class, but I feel the absense of something. but even now, it is fading...it always fades, sometimes more swiftly than others, I guess expressing it helps the "grieving process". it's just when something moves you, you dont want to let go. but it's 4:40 now and I'm being dramatic. this babble perhaps serves no perpose or has no exact point. but its 4:40 in the morning and I'm unbelievably lonely right now. things couldnt be better though, I should be off to sleep...time is fleeting and tomorrow I have alot of nothing to do, more nothings. more time without the distraction of a good book to keep me busy and from thinking about what I need to accomplish. goodnight, goodmorning, whichever you choose.
