A Debate and a Headache
I've been really stressed out all day over school in general and just sorta in a bad mood over it. But then I want to a Yale Political Union debate, and it made things better. The last speech really got me thinking. First of all it freaked me out because the speaker said a few things about how people in the armed forces are conditioned to be a little less human and able to kill other humans. And that really freaks me out when I think about my friends in the armed forces.

But what really got me thinking is the thought of what it means to be human. My major concern was int he case of parents trying to shelter their children. Does this preserverence of hope, faith, and positive almost idealistic perspective on humanity make them more human, at least intellectually so that they won't be encompassed in more primitive forms of living and social and possibly emotional callousness? Or is it more human to understand more fully what we can consider the "human condition" and see how people realistically live and to understand the downfalls of life? I discussed this a little with the speaker in question, trying to relate it back to his speech considering humanity and military conditioning. And he conceeded that it was rather impossible to really know either way and the question was rather unanswerable.

I'm convinced, however, that being fully human might involve a balance of both of these. Not a moderation, however, but a full understanding of both sides. To be exposed and to be aware and to understand how society really is and know all its downfalls, but to also be able to keep a faith in the good of humanity and to be hopeful for better, etc. Perhaps this is the balance I'm currently trying to achieve, as well as being a part of "both worlds" of common existence as well as intellectuality. I wonder if anything can really come of this though. More specifically, what this strive for such a balance means in reference to my life in general.

As far as that goes, by the way, I've realized that I don't really have that much of a clue. Someone asked me today if I was considering going to Grad. School, and I said I didn't really need it and wasn't really planning on it. Now it's an amusing game between a few friends of mine and I that I "change futures weekly" but I realize that most people don't know this and rather than claim to know, by stating my opinion for the moment, I should just state that I have not really found something solidly planned on. Someday I'll get it right, hopefully.

This is my blank stare of death.
If you read this, you might absorb some deadly radiation that will cause your mind to go totally blank, totally devoid of any thought or motivation. This is what happens to me Sunday nights. I lose all motivation and decide to get nothing done past 12. It doesn't help that I've been going to sleep at 11 for the past two nights and now I'm spoiled. Actually, yeah I'm going to get my reading done and go to bed around one and pretend it's good enough.

Jibberish about Memories and Beauty
Alright, so with being away for the weekend and just chilling out, I've had time to just relax and let my mind wander. Tonight I've realized that the best memories come from really random, really simple moments.

If I were held at gunpoint, would fall into a river, or in some other form two seconds away from death, and my life would indeed flash before my eyes, this is what would flash...I think.

That time Freshmen year when eight girls lounged out on Jessica's waterbed and laughed hysterically when we initiated the "who can do it longest" game.

The time in Jessica's camper in eighth grade when we tried to stay up till dawn, gave up and decided to sleep, and kept each other awake until we realized it was dawn and we were indeed still up. (count on us)

That time at Andrea's house when we stayed up all night and rode back to my house to obtain a monopoly board.

The bus rides to SLT conferences. Each and every one of them.

Hanging out in Nick's apartment, when some guy with a guitar started playing and singing some great song about hicks and how hilarious and nonsensical they can be.

The countless times when Adam would hit himself in class, and the ever famous "ts and fs" confusion.

Winter Carnival. Nuff said.

Getting stressed out with Soma cause we were all procrastinators and learned the set the night before the show.

Being on stage.

The night at the canteen after a race when there was a big thunderstorm (which seemed to happen after every race) where we hung out and played with the basketballs and tried to fit outselves in boxes...two at a time.

The countless times we dubbed a moment as "senior will" material and never remembered to make it such.

Sleeping over Sarah's house. Or rather...not sleeping.

Christmas presents at home...with much attention to the pets.

The wonderful afternoons spent in tree house...or rather platform, or climbing up to the platform, or jumping off the platform into the snow.

The Quebec Ski Trip. every single second.

Being chased through the back roads by the sheriff, and being saved by a wrong turn.

Wasting time. Whenever.

The Tech Mural. Which just took longer than it should have.

Getting my school bag mixed up with Josee's in preschool.

Kindergarden...when I first learned the concept of twins.

Drama. When we actually had it. Especially the drama trip...which had oddly long lasting repercussions.

Hanging out at the ski lodge. Getting harassed by the bible bearers.

Okay, that would last more than two seconds...so I think I'd be done flashing now. But it's fun to just sit there and think of all these fun memories and see what comes up. Good times. Seems that things are that much better when you remember them, but that's because they were so full of pleasure in the first place. Makes me look forward to other such pleasureful events. And close friends. God I miss those....eventually. I hope.

I've been craving to watch American Beauty since thursday. I wish some creepy guy next door would appear and start talking about appreciating spontaneous and common beauty in the world and other such things....as cheesy as that sounds. It happens though. The other day at a Party of the Right debate...I was distracted by an oddly perfect natural composition. Will's black shoe wearing feet, a black umbrella, and a black jacket draped over the back of a sofa created a perfect triangular composition, contrasting the lightist blue gray rug. And throughout this, was a random leaf, making the whole thing look completely naturally and not intentionally balanced (though it was anyways) and I stared at it for a while. And it was pretty.

I'm craving something. And someday maybe I'll find it. But the point is that I know when I'm not finding it, and I think that's what makes it okay.

Nostalgic Inspiration?
Okay, so regardless of what I had promised, my backlog of writing and thoughts hasn't gone up yet because I left earlier than expected and my notebooks are at the dorm at the moment. Perhaps tommorrow night.

I'm hanging out at my great-aunt and uncle's house for the weekend and it's really nice. It feels a little bit like home strangely enough. It's out of the city, for first of all. And although these are relatives that aren't as close as those back home, they're people I've known for more than a few months. And there's french, and there are references to the family, and to home, and to all sorts of things that only familiarity can cause. But the familiarity goes even further than that. Today I went to church. Without occasion. The first time I've done that in years I think, since recently I've only gone for Christmas and Graduation Mass. And although I don't believe in God, and I'm not religious, and I always feel bad about going to church and faking it, it was familiar. We sat with a woman that my great aunt knew and they spoke french of the way out...just as it always was back home. And it stuck me. She spoke french. And although I knew this before, I never realized it was quite as present and prominent as this. Apparantly back a few generations ago and since that time a bunch of people came here to Connecticut from Northern Maine for work and such and settled here. There are apparantly spots of dense mainer populations where there is a lot of french being spoken and such, and that's so cool. I'd really like to see if I could trace where all the families have spread out to...or perhaps someone has done that already?
Something to keep in mind to look into I suppose. See? There it is again. My stupid sense of self destructive motivation. Grr...
Anyways, I had something better to say but it's gone. So yeah....there is Northern Maine culture in some parts of CT and that's pretty neat. I figure I'll be coming up here more often.

My Out of Control Self
I feel like I'm the child disobeying the babysitter...who happens to be myself as well.

It has become apparant that I won't really put all too much effort into my studies...but I still keep faith and hope to try. Maybe. Just maybe. Also, I've come up with yet another tentative plan....Anthropolgy and International Studies...and using all my remaining credit space to learn italian, spanish, and german. And yes I realize I should capitalize those. My original excuse was that I'm lazy but now I'm spending all the extra effort to explain that. I dunno.

Those kids that came by the art gallery today attend a program called Pathways...and I realize now that I've always wanted to volunteer at such a program. So I'm looking into it, though I can't fathom when I'd have any time whatsoever. What am I trying to do to myself? I hope I don't eventually end up overloading and fucking up everything. We'll see. I guess it's just a matter of seeing just how much I can do just barely short of crashing....but isn't that what caused the biggest meltdown at a nuclean powerplant? something to keep in mind I guess....

I really wish someone with all the answers would read this and be all knowing and tell me what the deal was. Though I'm not convinced there is such a person, I just don't want to put in the effort of figuring it out on my own...not to mention the inplied risk...but it seems it's the way things are going.

Ever Thirsting Curiosity
My main deal with people, especially now since mostly everyone I encounter is either someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I know very little about anyways, is that I'm so profoundly curious about who they are. I just want to get to know everyone extremely well. From the random people that stop in at the museum store (some kids that seem really cool came in today) to the random people I converse with on the street on the way to who knows where. From the people I have a nice dinner conversation with to the people in my entryway that I don't really get to see barely at all.

It seems to me that everyone has a story to tell, a unique insight, a distinct personality....something to share, something worth sharing. And mostly every time I meet someone I wish I could spend the time to really get to know them, which is absurd ifyou really think about it. It's impossible, unrealistic. But it's there nonetheless.

With this also comes the wanting to "get a taste of everything". And I guess that the former really roots from the latter. And although I'm now in an environment that is nothing like anything I could have experienced before, and opens up so many opportunities to experience a ton of things I haven't and in some cases risk not being able to do so anyway - it still seems like I'm not doing enough. And although the aspect that I'm here for - learning about so many different things and quenching, or attempting to lighten, an intellectual thirst, I feel it ties me down too much to do all the other things I want to do. But I suppose the only way I'll ever effectually get anywhere with my desires of knowledge and experience is through patience and actually learning a certain thing before moving on. Still, I hope I don't lose this want of everything too soon. I want to do so many things...I want to travel and meet a million random people and see a thousand beautiful places. I want to explore nature more than I've ever done previously. I want to eventually know how I want to live, and how to balance out all my extremes and contradictions. But it seems that this path can only lead to mediocrity in everything. Surely there must be a way to be good, or great even, in something while allowing the room for exploration of everything? I'm just not sure what that is. I'm just not sure how I can be on a perpetual road trip while having a stable home. I'm not sure how I can keep a sparadic and everflowing variety while delving into a passion. I'm hoping someday I'll find that answer. Until then...well, I guess I'll do my best and keep going the way I am now and keep searching.

And with that, a word defending my neglect of this blob. I have a lot to write. I have scribbles indicating what I want to write in my notebooks. I'm at work right now. Tonight, hopefully, I will write all that needs to be recorded - I'm feeling chatty...or rather, I feel like writing. Slowly, I will be writing again as I used to in my previous days. Perhaps at some point I'll become thoughtful and full of ideas again. For now, I'll pretend I actually have something work related to do...

Having a Day
I'm overthinking again. I went to two shows this weekend and I should be happy. But no. Actually, I usually feel awkward coming back to the campus after being out and about, but last night it was different. I came back to a good conversation and a random 12 pm game of chess. Unexpected, but it was a good thing. So at least there was that, aside from a really good show.

It feels that I am between two worlds. It is beginning to feel that I am so in between that I no longer belong to either one, which causes great discomfort. It seems that I should find an in between - which seems impossible.

I had a conversation about music last night, and it got me thinking about how my perspective shifts from time to time. I was asked why I listened to music, and they in turn gave me an answer that I would have given previously. Instead, my own answer was something new that I realize now I only partially agree with. It also reflects my current academic interests and perhaps social interests as well. I am more concerned with technical, useful skill at the moment than the sheer beauty and meaning that I used to clutch so tightly too. I realize that I haven't gone completely in the other direction, and that I will return to the former love of beauty and such with greater appreciation with the skill and technical appreciation I am gaining at the moment, but it still strikes me as odd. Go figure.

Also, my taste in music a subconscious attempt to make up for my surroundings. My taste for heavier, more technically skilled music is something that has always been around, but never so completely as now. It is because my surroundings lack this aesthetic. The more simple, softer, beautiful, whatever else music fits this surrounding better and it seems I don't crave it quite as often only because I am not lacking that vibe quite as much. I suppose it's an explanation of sorts.

Some drawings as well as hopefully body art will be posted tonight, assuming I'll have the time. It seems school provides me with enough time fillers and that the environment sucks up the rest of my time so free time to do whatever I please isn't always an option.

Either way, good day.

Another weird weekend.
I hung out with "townies" on Thursday, and it was so refreshing that it was depressing to be stuck here. Although I did get to leave New Haven for the weekend, the last time until Turkey Break...which is a ways off. But at that point I'll be going to see A Perfect Circle, which is very very exciting.
For now, Aristotle has me completely wound up because I truely enjoy his work, especially in contrast to Plato, and few others seem to agree. Perhaps this week I'll actually speak in class. Perhaps not.
I put up pictures of my living arrangements on the site. It's on the heard page, so I'm sure you've seen it if you got this far.
Either way, I must be off, things to do. My week is packed, yet I'm still making time for a tattoo and some bass (I have my Samick and my Behringer amp down here finally so it's lots of fun). So I will leave you all with an inspirational quote from Aristotle that might be useful in justifying my putting off work:

"...when one is active about two things at once, the more pleasant activity drives out the other, and if it is much more pleasant does so all the more, so that one even ceases from the other."

Purpose/Thesis
Alright, so I decided to revive my website and to have it exist once more. That and I like to waste time, who wants to do work? Although I really need to.
I'm definately started to feel the inferiority complex I knew would eventually come along. But then again I'm not the only one going through that so I suppose it's no big deal. Just a motivation to do better work I suppose. Either way, I still crave the laid back, "learn for your own sake" hippie thing that I've become occupied with lately. In fact, I sketched it out in class today when someone mentioned a hermit as an alternative to the Republic's City of Pigs (for those of you who aren't familiar with it, its a completely totalitarianish prototype for books such as 1984 and Brave New World). So I decided it was a very pleasant idea and doodled rather than pay attenion. So here it is. For now, I'll leave you with my random notes and comments that appear in my notebooks when I zone out in class. History and Politics: "hermit vs. city of pigs - definately the hermit. he rocks." Philosophy: Status is a lie. Status is the result of uncertainty, of the inability for people to be secure and happy of their own account. Status is constructed as a false reassurance for these same people. Thus, occupation with the idea of status signifies uncertainty, unhappiness, etc?" Ever notice that the only people who think status is important at all are the people who want it?
"Can't assume people are at their peak. While ou can't be more than your capacity, you can be less. opportunity, circumstance, etc. But are people better than each other? We're looking only at one aspect of human ability. Everyone may have their strongpoint, the importance is to develope this. values - not everyone wants to be intelligent. not everyone wants to be "better" can't assume everyone is reaching for the same goal, thus you can't have a hierarchy - it's not the same scale." Is it that shocking that some Yale kids have elitist tendancies? "Why are the different occupation sin the Republic arranged by class? Why is current society this way? What makes the "upper class" better than the "lower class"? Are money and power really the only main focii of this?" ditto. "The "best" in a system build the system, thus make themselves the "best", the "good". This seems highly unaccountable." a.k.a. 'We're the best cause we said so'