Well well.
So I'm home for a week, and it feels so good. To be around familiar people in a familiar environment once more. I really do love it up here. No city...and nature and trees and walks in the woods. Yay.
But soon I go back, for three weeks, so I suppose it's okay.
I haven't done any work this week, which means I have a fuck of a lot of work to do next week, but then it's just studying for finals and finals and then it's over for this semester. woot.
Something tells me I won't study enough for finals though...it just seems like something I would do.

But after this week of hell I'm going to play bass a lot I hope. Hasn't really happened in a while. I want to start learning stuff on guitar too.
I should start playing more formally and actually get somewhere.

So I'm giving some thought to next semester and I really don't think I should do Directed Studies anymore. As much as I would like to, and it seems pointless to have taken the first semester if I'm not going to do the seceond semester...'cause that's the stuff I really wanted to do, but it just seems like it would hold me back more and I could be taking classes that interest me a lot more. Woo...run on sentance. I was looking at the classes I would take if I didn't do D.S. and they are stuff that I really should take and really would get into...I dunno. I'll have to decide on that sometime.

So this week has had some unexpected results. Things that should be really good, but I'm still uneasy about. But hopefully they work out well...I dunno.

Going back to school is going to be very weird. Unnatural. Thank god it's only for three weeks. I really can't wait for that to be over. I'm anxious to start a new semester though. I'm tired of the classes I'm currently taking. I need something new. Which is another reason I might drop D.S. Hmm. I dunno.

I want to play bass and pleasure read like a motherfucker.

Work tonight. At my job up here. That's pretty exciting.

Religious Experience and Great Times.
Alright, so after having gotten two hours of sleep friday morning (or thursday night-extended) I seemed to think that it was an okay idea to get into the school spirit and hang out till 330 Friday night and get another two hours of sleep before rushing to make the bus and almost missing it....and forgetting to bring my cds, among other things I'm sure I have yet to notice.
So I got on the bus and came to Portland.
And A Perfect Circle played.
And it was awesome.
It was awesome, great music, great lights, great presence, great audience, the works.
But even better were the between songs antics.
Michael Jackson jokes.
James Iha's squeaky clean jokes.
Jeordie White's singing songs about the Sasquatch.
More jokes.
James Iha singing the backstreet boys song.
"Jeord forgot where we are."
"We're not in the big apple? we're not in oregon?....Portland!"
"Maine, for fuck's sake."
The after show presentation of the "Jeordie and James" show, jamming out with James on bass and Jeordie singing about the Sasquatch once more, but that was only after he decided to make some weird musical vocal sounds. And then he took over the drums for a bit. Hell yeah.
And then James walked about the stage talking for a while, telling jokes, and pseudo stories. While the crew started tearing down. So he tried to interview crew members, and they pretty much ignored him.

And the music was incredible. It really takes a live show sometimes to remind me of how much certain music means to me. I can't believe I forgot my cds....oh well. I'll rip a few from friends.

So yeah, good times. And more good times to come all week. So chances are I'll post once in a while. Woo.

I want.
Today I want to go hiking in the cold snow. Today I want to read a Jack London book. Today I want to play folk music and create new fun songs of the sort. Today I want to take an art class. Today I want to start drawing more often. Today I want to be an anthropologist.
But today I'm not getting any work done.

Interesting Evening. Good Evening.
I didn't go to the Freshman Screw yesterday. And while the people I hung out with didn't particularly care for the entire ordeal ordeal, some of them felt "left out" of everyone's grand preparations and dressing up (many tux's and such)and all that. I didn't for some reason. And in fact, I had one of the best nights I've had in a while.
Cards and Games was fun. Beer, chess, and great music. That's all one needs in life really. Oh, not to forget great conversation. Had a lot of that last night too. I was amused to have a conversation with someone about social observations in this place. I was a bit surprised to hear him agreeing with many of my own observations. His own unique observations were very interesting as well. It turned out to be a great conversation about society in general. After that came a different conversation about art and such. And that was great too. Metallica's "Whiskey in the Jar" video was dissected and overanalyzed and it was good.
That's another thing though. While philosophizing and speaking theoretically and analytically is really fun and very interesting, there seems to be a lack of balance. Yesterday, I watched a squirrel eat a nut for two minutes. I rarely find people doing that same thing...pausing and noticing little things and paying attention to beautiful details. One person mentioned that, as I looked up to study the ceiling as we were waiting for someone to get back. He commented at how he doesn't usually think to bother to stop and "look up" or notice the fine details. I think that's kind of sad in a way. Those details seem so great and important. I guess people fail to keep a sense of simplicity and simple beauty when they get so caught up in the productive lifestyle and philosophizing everything to death.
Lately I've been thinking that this balance is also off in that things are very mental but not very physical. With a picture of Machu Picchu on my computer, I can't help but think that being out in such grand nature could make you forget about your philosophizing for a while and to just be aware of yourself and your environment. I looked up at the stars the other night and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be among them. IF you could see them in space that is. It just seems that sometimes we surround ourselves with ideas and tasks and people so much that we forget about ourselves and our place in nature and the universe. We're so wrapped up in our everyday point of view that we don't bother to step back and "look in" for a bit. It seems to be so vital in the balance of things.
A week until vacation. I really can't wait. After that, three weeks and I'm done the semester. I really need to get all my work done, I have quite a bit of it. But I'm anxious to start my new classes. I want to take a cultural anthropology class and an astrophysics class. I think those will be very interesting. But until then, I should concentrate on getting work done and getting the most out of this semester.

A Debate and a Headache
I've been really stressed out all day over school in general and just sorta in a bad mood over it. But then I want to a Yale Political Union debate, and it made things better. The last speech really got me thinking. First of all it freaked me out because the speaker said a few things about how people in the armed forces are conditioned to be a little less human and able to kill other humans. And that really freaks me out when I think about my friends in the armed forces.

But what really got me thinking is the thought of what it means to be human. My major concern was int he case of parents trying to shelter their children. Does this preserverence of hope, faith, and positive almost idealistic perspective on humanity make them more human, at least intellectually so that they won't be encompassed in more primitive forms of living and social and possibly emotional callousness? Or is it more human to understand more fully what we can consider the "human condition" and see how people realistically live and to understand the downfalls of life? I discussed this a little with the speaker in question, trying to relate it back to his speech considering humanity and military conditioning. And he conceeded that it was rather impossible to really know either way and the question was rather unanswerable.

I'm convinced, however, that being fully human might involve a balance of both of these. Not a moderation, however, but a full understanding of both sides. To be exposed and to be aware and to understand how society really is and know all its downfalls, but to also be able to keep a faith in the good of humanity and to be hopeful for better, etc. Perhaps this is the balance I'm currently trying to achieve, as well as being a part of "both worlds" of common existence as well as intellectuality. I wonder if anything can really come of this though. More specifically, what this strive for such a balance means in reference to my life in general.

As far as that goes, by the way, I've realized that I don't really have that much of a clue. Someone asked me today if I was considering going to Grad. School, and I said I didn't really need it and wasn't really planning on it. Now it's an amusing game between a few friends of mine and I that I "change futures weekly" but I realize that most people don't know this and rather than claim to know, by stating my opinion for the moment, I should just state that I have not really found something solidly planned on. Someday I'll get it right, hopefully.

This is my blank stare of death.
If you read this, you might absorb some deadly radiation that will cause your mind to go totally blank, totally devoid of any thought or motivation. This is what happens to me Sunday nights. I lose all motivation and decide to get nothing done past 12. It doesn't help that I've been going to sleep at 11 for the past two nights and now I'm spoiled. Actually, yeah I'm going to get my reading done and go to bed around one and pretend it's good enough.

Jibberish about Memories and Beauty
Alright, so with being away for the weekend and just chilling out, I've had time to just relax and let my mind wander. Tonight I've realized that the best memories come from really random, really simple moments.

If I were held at gunpoint, would fall into a river, or in some other form two seconds away from death, and my life would indeed flash before my eyes, this is what would flash...I think.

That time Freshmen year when eight girls lounged out on Jessica's waterbed and laughed hysterically when we initiated the "who can do it longest" game.

The time in Jessica's camper in eighth grade when we tried to stay up till dawn, gave up and decided to sleep, and kept each other awake until we realized it was dawn and we were indeed still up. (count on us)

That time at Andrea's house when we stayed up all night and rode back to my house to obtain a monopoly board.

The bus rides to SLT conferences. Each and every one of them.

Hanging out in Nick's apartment, when some guy with a guitar started playing and singing some great song about hicks and how hilarious and nonsensical they can be.

The countless times when Adam would hit himself in class, and the ever famous "ts and fs" confusion.

Winter Carnival. Nuff said.

Getting stressed out with Soma cause we were all procrastinators and learned the set the night before the show.

Being on stage.

The night at the canteen after a race when there was a big thunderstorm (which seemed to happen after every race) where we hung out and played with the basketballs and tried to fit outselves in boxes...two at a time.

The countless times we dubbed a moment as "senior will" material and never remembered to make it such.

Sleeping over Sarah's house. Or rather...not sleeping.

Christmas presents at home...with much attention to the pets.

The wonderful afternoons spent in tree house...or rather platform, or climbing up to the platform, or jumping off the platform into the snow.

The Quebec Ski Trip. every single second.

Being chased through the back roads by the sheriff, and being saved by a wrong turn.

Wasting time. Whenever.

The Tech Mural. Which just took longer than it should have.

Getting my school bag mixed up with Josee's in preschool.

Kindergarden...when I first learned the concept of twins.

Drama. When we actually had it. Especially the drama trip...which had oddly long lasting repercussions.

Hanging out at the ski lodge. Getting harassed by the bible bearers.

Okay, that would last more than two seconds...so I think I'd be done flashing now. But it's fun to just sit there and think of all these fun memories and see what comes up. Good times. Seems that things are that much better when you remember them, but that's because they were so full of pleasure in the first place. Makes me look forward to other such pleasureful events. And close friends. God I miss those....eventually. I hope.

I've been craving to watch American Beauty since thursday. I wish some creepy guy next door would appear and start talking about appreciating spontaneous and common beauty in the world and other such things....as cheesy as that sounds. It happens though. The other day at a Party of the Right debate...I was distracted by an oddly perfect natural composition. Will's black shoe wearing feet, a black umbrella, and a black jacket draped over the back of a sofa created a perfect triangular composition, contrasting the lightist blue gray rug. And throughout this, was a random leaf, making the whole thing look completely naturally and not intentionally balanced (though it was anyways) and I stared at it for a while. And it was pretty.

I'm craving something. And someday maybe I'll find it. But the point is that I know when I'm not finding it, and I think that's what makes it okay.

Nostalgic Inspiration?
Okay, so regardless of what I had promised, my backlog of writing and thoughts hasn't gone up yet because I left earlier than expected and my notebooks are at the dorm at the moment. Perhaps tommorrow night.

I'm hanging out at my great-aunt and uncle's house for the weekend and it's really nice. It feels a little bit like home strangely enough. It's out of the city, for first of all. And although these are relatives that aren't as close as those back home, they're people I've known for more than a few months. And there's french, and there are references to the family, and to home, and to all sorts of things that only familiarity can cause. But the familiarity goes even further than that. Today I went to church. Without occasion. The first time I've done that in years I think, since recently I've only gone for Christmas and Graduation Mass. And although I don't believe in God, and I'm not religious, and I always feel bad about going to church and faking it, it was familiar. We sat with a woman that my great aunt knew and they spoke french of the way out...just as it always was back home. And it stuck me. She spoke french. And although I knew this before, I never realized it was quite as present and prominent as this. Apparantly back a few generations ago and since that time a bunch of people came here to Connecticut from Northern Maine for work and such and settled here. There are apparantly spots of dense mainer populations where there is a lot of french being spoken and such, and that's so cool. I'd really like to see if I could trace where all the families have spread out to...or perhaps someone has done that already?
Something to keep in mind to look into I suppose. See? There it is again. My stupid sense of self destructive motivation. Grr...
Anyways, I had something better to say but it's gone. So yeah....there is Northern Maine culture in some parts of CT and that's pretty neat. I figure I'll be coming up here more often.

My Out of Control Self
I feel like I'm the child disobeying the babysitter...who happens to be myself as well.

It has become apparant that I won't really put all too much effort into my studies...but I still keep faith and hope to try. Maybe. Just maybe. Also, I've come up with yet another tentative plan....Anthropolgy and International Studies...and using all my remaining credit space to learn italian, spanish, and german. And yes I realize I should capitalize those. My original excuse was that I'm lazy but now I'm spending all the extra effort to explain that. I dunno.

Those kids that came by the art gallery today attend a program called Pathways...and I realize now that I've always wanted to volunteer at such a program. So I'm looking into it, though I can't fathom when I'd have any time whatsoever. What am I trying to do to myself? I hope I don't eventually end up overloading and fucking up everything. We'll see. I guess it's just a matter of seeing just how much I can do just barely short of crashing....but isn't that what caused the biggest meltdown at a nuclean powerplant? something to keep in mind I guess....

I really wish someone with all the answers would read this and be all knowing and tell me what the deal was. Though I'm not convinced there is such a person, I just don't want to put in the effort of figuring it out on my own...not to mention the inplied risk...but it seems it's the way things are going.

Ever Thirsting Curiosity
My main deal with people, especially now since mostly everyone I encounter is either someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I know very little about anyways, is that I'm so profoundly curious about who they are. I just want to get to know everyone extremely well. From the random people that stop in at the museum store (some kids that seem really cool came in today) to the random people I converse with on the street on the way to who knows where. From the people I have a nice dinner conversation with to the people in my entryway that I don't really get to see barely at all.

It seems to me that everyone has a story to tell, a unique insight, a distinct personality....something to share, something worth sharing. And mostly every time I meet someone I wish I could spend the time to really get to know them, which is absurd ifyou really think about it. It's impossible, unrealistic. But it's there nonetheless.

With this also comes the wanting to "get a taste of everything". And I guess that the former really roots from the latter. And although I'm now in an environment that is nothing like anything I could have experienced before, and opens up so many opportunities to experience a ton of things I haven't and in some cases risk not being able to do so anyway - it still seems like I'm not doing enough. And although the aspect that I'm here for - learning about so many different things and quenching, or attempting to lighten, an intellectual thirst, I feel it ties me down too much to do all the other things I want to do. But I suppose the only way I'll ever effectually get anywhere with my desires of knowledge and experience is through patience and actually learning a certain thing before moving on. Still, I hope I don't lose this want of everything too soon. I want to do so many things...I want to travel and meet a million random people and see a thousand beautiful places. I want to explore nature more than I've ever done previously. I want to eventually know how I want to live, and how to balance out all my extremes and contradictions. But it seems that this path can only lead to mediocrity in everything. Surely there must be a way to be good, or great even, in something while allowing the room for exploration of everything? I'm just not sure what that is. I'm just not sure how I can be on a perpetual road trip while having a stable home. I'm not sure how I can keep a sparadic and everflowing variety while delving into a passion. I'm hoping someday I'll find that answer. Until then...well, I guess I'll do my best and keep going the way I am now and keep searching.

And with that, a word defending my neglect of this blob. I have a lot to write. I have scribbles indicating what I want to write in my notebooks. I'm at work right now. Tonight, hopefully, I will write all that needs to be recorded - I'm feeling chatty...or rather, I feel like writing. Slowly, I will be writing again as I used to in my previous days. Perhaps at some point I'll become thoughtful and full of ideas again. For now, I'll pretend I actually have something work related to do...