Mix & Match Aesthetics?
So I've been trying to figure out how this all works. Instead of just understanding that I like certain things, I figure I should look at my life as I look at the work. That everything is connected and try to figure out how everything is connected. The major problems I come up with are reconciling morality with disbelief of god and also the punk/goth/whatever aesthetic with conservative politics. I've been doing a lot of reading and hope to get a chance to really get to the root of these things. I'm not finding it useful that I have very little spare time lately. It doesn't give me a chance to do what needs to be done. Hopefully this weekend I'll actually get done what needs to be done and use my time in a productive manner. Hopefully.
I would be nice to talk to other people with this sort of dichotomy thing going on, especially on the aesthetics. I've found a few pages online that talk about that sort of thing. I want to be able to put what I want to do with myself and my political views alongside what I like as far as cultural aesthetics and such and be able to say it makes total sense. I also want to figure out how there can be morality without a god and what that rests on. Which means I should get reading in my "philosophy for dummies" book and try to see how people have approached it in the past. ah the time commitment.

At the same time, though I'm getting my political and philosophical fill here and it's qutie wonderful, I'm not getting the aesthetics taken care of. I'm not concentrating hard enough on music, but I suppose that's what classes are for. What an odd split...classes = artsy aesthetic, extra currics = politics? Hmm. I'm starting to be able to bring them all together, and I'm starting to notice that I'm recovering from whatever the past few years have been. I need to look through all my old writings and stuff. I need to start doing that, creating and keeping on a regular basis. I need to organize my time so that I have time left over to be Angie at the end of the day rather than be constantly running around trying to do everything all last minute.

Gah, so much.
So there are so many things I want to do at any one given time. The future for me seems like an everlong list of things I want to do, it seems like I'll never really get too far into it. And different things require different living conditions and locations. I dunno.And as much as I love how I'm living right now and look forward to how I will live later on, I really miss how I have lived as well. There are so many things in the past that I probably will never have again that were just amazing. So to be corny, this is a symptom of "loving life so much it hurts"? Haha oh no.
I have no idea what I'm going to want to focus on as a major. I want to go to South America, but I might be able to without actually majoring in Archaeology, just doing the required classes. I'm coming back to art history lately, and really want to take more art classes. I remember wanting to be a curator or doing restorations. And my Andy Warhol-esque nightclub which would the the most amazing collaboration of the arts ever. And working on tour. Perhaps my nightclub is the way to go. It would be a tour spot for bands, and an art gallery in itself. I could do art workshops and stuff during the day, so that would get back to what I wanted to do in Maine. I'd have to figure out a way to get this done. And also, what to do in the meantime. Craziness. I'm glad I'm only a freshman.

So my grandmother is a greatgrandmother now. My dad says she's really proud of that. She's an awesome woman. I hope I get to help her with the garden this summer.

I have to get work done this weekend so then I can have time to do other things, such as the YEA website, the historical society website, my own website and the deviant art one I want to do. I miss the years of HTML and webbing. Time to make it come back. Perhaps it would be cool to set up a message board for the party as people were talking about.

*sigh* Sometimes I miss what I'll never have again.
From July 16-

"Last night was absolutely amazing. If I could have paused that moment in time, that eternal moment would make my life so completely satisfying.It felt as if things had gone back in time and they were how they used to be when I was happiest. Everything reminded me of when I was happy. I drove home and all I could think about were the times when I drove home from his house having had spent the entire evening with him. Without care, without worry, completely secure and completely happy.It?s amazing how bad I want those moments back. But last night was the closest I?m getting for a long time, and I?m going to milk it for all I can. Man I wish things would go back to that.
But it felt like I had gone back in time twice. Back on the one hand to how wade and I were a few months ago. But back even further to my sophomore year with Nick. He was back to how he was, talking like he used to, and we talked how we used to. That was nice. I had missed that.
And we were all talking around one table or another all night. For some reason, that is a concept, although rather new to new, I have fallen completely in love with. It seems that the best conversations sprout from sitting around the table, and everyone there is into them, physically and mentally. It seems so great. I want to spend a significant amount of time doing that. Or, like I said, I want to freeze last night into an everlasting moment. Something I can also go back to whenever I want. I would give anything for something like that to be there for me in a few months. I don?t know what else I could possibly ask for, but I know I want that like nothing else.
Nick seems to be considering moving to Connecticut, it seems to be something hes been thinking about for a little while. I don?t want to get my hopes up on anything anymore, but how wonderful would that be. I want nothing more than to have someone there.
I?m less edgy today, though I?m still slightly edgy. I can?t stand this anymore really, but today I can deal with. Yesterday I was going crazy. I just want everything back to normal.
I can?t wait to talk to wade today. I hope he talks about last night. In all my happiness and as much as I was just letting my mind go three hundred miles an hour, I couldn?t help but pause and notice that he looked sad. Maybe it was just me, or maybe he was just stoned, But he seemed to unmistakably sad. I?m not sure if he?ll admit it if he was, but I wish he would tell me all about what he was thinking last night. As much as I felt so close to him during those few hours, I couldn?t help but try to imagine what he was thinking. In a way I wish we would have ridden home with me so we could have talked alone for a little while, but at the same time, even I was reluctant to leave the happiness that seemed almost attached to the location. I hope he wasn?t as unhappy as he looked. "

Final?
Okay, this just amused me. It seemed really fitting. Not that I follow horoscopes, I'm just hanging out at work and pretty bored. But I like this one:


All the success and good fortune you've been incurring over the past several months may have freed you from the grind enough to concentrate on your spiritual and/or artistic interests. There may be a few surprises in store for you, dear Gemini. You're likely to meet some new people who share your interests, and what you learn from them increases your own progress. You might just embark on a new course of study. Have fun! -Yahoo!Horoscopes

and another thing.
What is it with the recent surge of people commenting on my being quiet. I know I don't always say as much as I should, but I hardly consider it to be to the extent that people should feel the need to point it out. Perhaps that's a gap in my perspective, but dude....even the alums started commenting on it. I must discuss that next time someone brings it up...I really don't notice that I'm that quiet after all.

Exploding yet?
I want to do everything. But I can't do everything, and the things I do try to take on, well I still take on so many that I do things to a mediocre extent. But I don't want to take on less things. So I think this is part of my restlessness, as well as missing out on something that I know is very meaningful to me yet I can't figure out what it is.
Restlessness. And I'm starting to feel like I'm just going to explode no matter what.

But art rocks. www.devinatart.com

Redefined.
Okay, so the ultimate purpose of the blog, now completely concrete in its conviction, is merely to preserve certain ideas for myself in order to go back to them, as is everything I record and keep, as the front page of the site says, as my college application says. And it no longer necessarily makes sense to anyone else. I'm fine with that.

Someone mentioned yesterday that usually you can get some sort of impression of what a person thinks of you when you talk to them or get to know them etc. It struck me then and it strikes me now....no. I don't get such impressions off of people in generally. I really can't tell what people think about me. And though I'm not generally too concerned, it would be nice to get some sort of notion. Hmm...how peculiar.

Reflection on the Importance of Nature
Not that this is conclusive or anything, but I truely seem to believe that nature is conducive to general well being and to peace of mind. To physically remove yourself from "society" and spend time alone or with a single person, perhaps two at the most, just looking around that what is not a human constuct but naturally there and beautiful and in tune. To just gather ones thoughts (cheesy, I know, bear with me) and just be able to think without all the distractions of people and constant non fluid motion and busy-ness that goes on, especially in more urban areas. Perhaps I'm just use to the slower pace of life, but it seems that it's better mentally and spiritually. Again with the spirituality without God thing, I'll have to figure it out. I think although I'll probably end up in, well specifically probably New York, but I'll have to keep some avenue open, some opportunity to go out into more secluded space fairly often. I think this contributes to my growing restlessness, though is in no way the major portion of it, but I think it adds on a bit. Which I guess goes along with what I look for in people, as much as I'm starting back from scratch and trying to redefine this, I think this kind of appreciation will factor in. Although that aspect of it I'm not too concerned about. Regardless, I want to make an effort to read more about that kind of natural connection and being in tune with natural processes and such...which I guess is where my body modification thing is leaning right now as well.
I really should just take this all one thing at a time instead of just letting myself stab at various topics without much commitment and moving on....hmm.

With hesitation.
Okay, so I'm going to stop adding stuff on now because it just seems to be getting redundant and of no use, but I doubt many people read this, thus no one cares. Right Jesse?

So how I was a few years ago and how I am now is different. It have emphasis on different interests. Can I have it both ways and have the superior taste in the dark and mysterious and the appreciation for universality and such that I have now? Okay, well not to exaggerate as I obviously can't take much of anything seriously at any given moment, but I really want to get back into the things I used to be into without letting go of what I have now and also without having to make any effort towards it. *sigh* There are just certain appreciations I miss.

For a Followup?
Alright, so it seems that since I'm at work sitting in front of a computer that this'll end up being a long serious of afterthoughts, but whatever, noone really reads this anyways except for jesse so it's all good.
I want to go back to geekdom, I want to maintain a website on a constant basis and post constantly and have other people posting regularly so that I can read it, I want the comments to flow so that we'll all be discussing stuff online as well as in person or when I randomly talk to people online. To have discussions on a different time line other than immediate response situations. Someone mentioned this at the banquet tonight, and I would love to see this happen through the POR but I also want to revive it amongst my friends back home as well, because I get to talk seriously with them even less often. And we've done it before. It would be great. *sigh* I need a fifty billion hour day.